Halloween Recap

This story of celebratory binge eating begins with my drive home from work on Halloween afternoon. I lost control and found my car Herbie Fully Loading me into the parking lot of a greek pizza shop… but getting out of the car was my choice.

At 3pm I went in and ate a gyro and fries, knowing full well I would be going out later that night. I ate it, totally aware of what I was doing, and I didn’t even care. I ate those onions and spiced gray meet from an unconfirmed dead animal and hoped a tooth brushing would be enough. I can’t sacrifice birthday week eating for the people or hot guys who might be breathing around me. Truth be told, I do this all the time… Like, oh we’re going dancing in Boston? So we’ll do Indian tonight, then?

After gargling peroxide and hoping that killed anything alive in my mouth, I headed to Salem, Mass for Halloween. Now, I know last week I teased everyone a little bit with what my costume was going to be.

Well, I was going to be Chucky Finster.

I went out the weekend before as Chucky, and no one knew who I was until I told them (and even then I think I was getting a lot of sympathy nods of recognition). Suddenly, my adorable throwback costume didn’t seem like such a great idea. Especially next to a sexy Minnie Mouse, Wonder Woman, and Football Ref.

On actual Halloween I had every intention to wear my Chucky costume again. Again, no one would know who I was until suddenly some geeky-hot guy would come up to me knowing exactly who I was supposed to be and then Sixpence None the Richer would play and we’d slow dance our way into a very meaningful 4 and a half month relationship.

Then my friend, Michelle suggested I try on her Peter Pan costume.

I took off my purple glasses, put on the green dress and “Kiss Me” began to play as I looked into the full length mirror and said, “I… I’m beautiful,” as a single tear rolled down my cheek. Then I booty dropped and shouted to the world, “maybe the media’s portrayal of women as sexual objects isn’t so bad after alll!!!!!”

Then we ate:

Michelle is the queen of birthdays and she had this beautiful spread for me. Which includes spinach and artichoke dip and salt and vinegar chips. It should be noted I entirely forgot to bring my tooth brush to her house.

We headed out into downtown Salem and went to a Chinese restaurant so we could go to the bathroom, and then we figured while we’re here we might as well eat a poo-poo platter real quick. After finishing our platter we went to a bar and just danced by ourselves and no one said ANYTHING about how beautifully my green costume set off my hair, but it was still a success because I don’t like it when anyone touches me while I dance. I like to keep it Orthodox Jewish wedding appropriate as far as coed interaction goes. Just let me Cha-Cha-Slide with myself.

Overall, it was a great night with one of my best friends, who always makes my birthday/Halloween so much fun!

Us over the years:

My 21st

My 23rd

My 24th

Slutty Halloween costumes to all, and to all a good night!!!!

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Happy Halloween Weekend!

 {Can you guess which famous red head I’m going to be for Halloween this year?}

First, I’d like to apologize that this has turned into a full on Halloween blog. It is my favorite holiday, and to be honest, I get a ton of hits on all my Halloween related posts via search engines, so I’ll just milk this Pumpkin dry. Pumpkin being the name of my cow.

Secondly, a happy and safe Halloween weekend to all! I know that most people will be going out today or tomorrow, so to all of you I say: have a lovely time. Women, if you plan to dress like a sexy Hamburgler or a sexy traffic light, it is your body and I hope you display it proudly with the confidence and strength of 1,000 Xena: Warrior Princesses. If you are under 17 and wearing something sexy, your parents should really be monitoring you more closely, but I wish the same for you with the added advice to go easy on the orange jello shots. Actually, that advice is applicable to everyone.

If you choose to be something scary or witty or topical, good for you. May the bodies of the  women dressed up as sexy Twister games never outshine your intellect and sense of whimsy.

To the men who wear “Hello My Name Is….” stickers, that is not a costume. Also, if you’ve got it, consider wearing a shirtless firefighter’s costume. I think you owe it to the women and gay men of America. We have done so much for you, and we have the body glitter and costume coordinated over the knee stockings to prove it. If you don’t got it, your Batman costume is fine, and I’m sure you have a great personality.

Sugarlyn Cakes

I have lived a very difficult life at the hands of my mother. Because of her, nearly every elementary school class birthday has been ruined for me. Since childhood, I have had an extremely refined palate for cakes due to her superior baking, which makes it impossible for me to enjoy grocery store baked goods or canned frostings, and I seemed to be the only 8 year old who knew that apple juice does not go with cake. Milk goes with cake, MILK! Who raised you, elementary school parents? Certainly not my mother.

On a weekly basis I had to politely eat the cupcakes and juice parents brought in for birthdays, wishing that like the other students, I was blissfully ignorant to the delicious cupcakes that existed in the world. Cupcakes that ruin you for all other cupcakes. The only solace I had was when my birthday rolled around and my mother could finally bring in her baked goods and MILK. We always killed it for my class birthday. In the fifth grade, I came up with the brilliant and totally unexpected plan to have a Hoodsie sundae bar. The best class birthdays always came from the chubby kids, and thanks to my size 16’s I was throwing milk-fused ragers.

I’ve always told my mother she should sell her cupcakes, and after winning the baking contest at the Fluff festival a few weeks ago, she finally decided to do it!

Introducing Sugarlyn Cakes!

 

{instagram: @daralaine}

So if you ever want to order some, let me know. For the drop-off, we can meet in a public, neutral location in case you’re using your cupcake order as an opportunity to murder me while enjoying delicious treats.

Baby’s First College Football Game

If you can believe it, I’ve never actually been to a college football game. I graduated from an arts and communications college where one of our biggest sports is Quidditch, (if that puts anything into perspective for you) and instead of having a football team, we have a witty t-shirt with an inside joke about how we really, seriously don’t have a football team (this should also be giving you a better frame of reference of where I graduated). Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia wore it in an episode, and I promise you that was a prouder moment for our school than winning any football game would have been. Apparently, “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” means nothing to those hipsters.

“Emerson Football: Undefeated Since 1888”

Okay, that was pretty cool…

Though I graduated from Emerson, I spent a semester at James Madison University in Virginia and they had a football team (and a Sbarro!) but I was too busy crying in my loft bed to ever go to a game, which I kind of regret, but I didn’t get into Friday Night Lights until after I transferred, so I had no idea that just across campus I had the perfect backdrop for my coming-of-age story. (Luckily, I spent a summer in San Antonio and I got to live out my FNL fantasies… Texas Fur-ever!).

Since I missed out on football for my whole college career, I was excited when my friend, Michelle (longtime readers have probably seen her pretty face on this blog before) invited me to tailgate at her boyfriend’s football game at Tufts University.

What a wonderful autumn activity! I broke out my horse sweater from the H&M children’s department (don’t get me started on my love for the discounts you can find in the husky kid’s aisle), my American Apparel winter leggings, an army jacket and over-the-knee boots, and prepared for some brisk, outdoor day drinking with college kids.

It actually was like, 80 degrees, and I was just sweating through my cotton/poly blend, and apparently Tufts kids aren’t that into sports because the only people tailgating were the players parents, which is fine, because the only thing I like more than preying on 21 year old boys is drinking with parents. I’m a big fan of getting a casual buzz on with the 40-60 year old crowd, and I say that without a hint of irony.

 {Pumpkin cocktail… made of pumpkin and probably heavy whipping cream or something.}

It turns out that a game at Tufts is pretty similar to what I imagine it would be like if Emerson College had a football team:

A hipster pep band director wearing what I assume is a vintage, wool marching band jacket that you KNOW no one is making him wear. In 80 degree weather.

Pep band kid eating some breakfast at 1:30. I swear this kid had a fully operational Dunkin’ Donuts under his bleacher seat. He just kept pulling food and beverages out every 45 minutes.

I will say, cheerleader on her cellphone while she’s on the field never would have happened at Emerson. We did have a cheerleading squad, and the Cheerios would have NEVER been so unprofessional. When an Emerson kid is on, they. ARE. ON.

Michelle and I with Jumbo. Tufts lost, but it was all worth it because I was allowed to play with pom poms for a full 3 hours.

Halloween Anxiety

Well, it’s that time again- the time of year when Halloween Anxiety begins to reach it’s peak. “Halloween Anxiety,” for any straight men or people living in a second or third world nation, is most prevalent in young women ages 16-27, and occurs in the weeks leading up to Halloween. It starts around late August with just a twinge in the chest and the looming question, “What will I be for Halloween?” By October, it’s in its final and most debilitating stages: “No really, WHAT am I going to be?” and “WHAT are we going to do?” and the dreaded, “I don’t even feel like I’m in the Halloween spirit yet!!!” For those suffering from the final symptom or know someone who is, it’s important you get your hands on a Redbox copy of Hocus Pocus before it’s too late.

Unfortunately, I am not immune:

  

Good Riddance, Summer

I could not be more pleased that Labor Day is behind us, taking Summer with it. See, I like Summer, but I love Fall. I get burned out on Summer because there’s too much pressure– to have fun, to have a fling, to be tan (which is a full time job for an alabastor princess such as myself). Autumn rolls around and it’s all hot cider and JCrew flannels. You trade in big summer BBQ’s with randos for hayrides with close friends. Or at least I assume people do that? I haven’t been on a hayride since I was in Girl Scouts and I’ve picked up a horse allergy in the meantime. I have an EPI pen, it’s a whole to do.

I think you can usually put someone in a Fall People or Summer People category. I’m a Fall person for many reasons. A primary and particularly weighty one is my birthday. November 1st is a clutch spot for a Fall birthday–you’re really in the thick of it, Autumnally speaking, and yet it’s a clean couple weeks before people really start stressing about holidays. The seasonal Starbucks cups haven’t even come out yet, which is the first sign of trouble.

Mom? Dad?

In addition to prime birthday real estate, I look great in hunter green, my hair is red, and my head is the size of a pumpkin, so I’m basically the personification of Fall. Speaking of pumpkins– I love ’em. I could talk to you all day about pumpkins. I enjoy a pumpkin of the beer, latte or scone variety. I even have a pumpkin Jack-o-Lantern mug in the back of my cupboard that no one is allowed to use or look at until the Halloween spirit has descended upon us in order to preserve its seasonal novelty and magic.Ah, yes. It’s finally time to dust off the mug, fill it with cider and butterscotch schnopps and watch Hocus Pocus while I sew a costume I’ll eventually give up on in favor of a $100 piece of polyester from the Halloween pop-up store in the mall.

Nor’easter in October

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That is a picture of a snowy fallen tree in my backyard taken circa… yesterday. All of NH got a ton of snow (and to put this in perspective I live in southern NH bordering Mass. not some maple syrup-y backwoods up north. Despite what you may think, this is not normal).

Something upwards of 200,000 homes in NH are without power. My house lost power, but luckily we have a small generator that makes it possible to charge my cell, which is where I blog to you from- shivering in a blanket and blogging by candlelight like this is Little House on the Prairie with iPhones.

Also, my Halloween is all but ruined. I have no TV to watch Hocus Pocus from, and trick or treating is postponed in most towns, which has drained my holiday cheer. Nobody is thinking of Halloween around here. All you can think about is SURVIVING (except my mom who still has candy corn earrings and a festive t-shirt on. God bless her).

Has anyone else been hit by this Halloween tragedy?

PS it took me no less than a half hour to type this thing. Curse you, my Vienna Sausage fingers and the iPhone touch screen!

5 Favorites Friday

1. The Office– I had stopped watching The Office after last season. I’m not sure why because I sincerely enjoyed Michael Scott’s last few episodes, but I think enough people were telling me they were sick of The Office, so I thought “ya, that sounds right” and I stopped watching it. I’ve done the same thing with curry and olives. I’ve heard my parents say often that they don’t like curry or olives, and since it wasn’t that important I just decided not to form my own opinion on it and take on their’s. Turns out, I don’t mind curry but hate olives as much as I told myself I did. Back to the show. So, out of sheer boredom I watched the whole season thus far on On Demand while I pretended to peddle on my stationary bike. Wouldn’t you know, I’m really enjoying Andy as the new boss.

2. Surprise cupcakes– While at work today someone came in with cupcakes for an employee. They were from Queen City Cupcakes, which was a place I had wanted to try, and the lady just offered me an oatmeal cookie cupcake for no reason! How unexpected! I actually made cupcakes to bring to a friend’s house tonight, so now it looks like I have no choice but to eat multiple cupcakes today. I feel like this always happens. Whenever I know I’m going to have a cupcake on a particular day for whatever occasion, a surprise cupcake always presents itself that I can’t turn down. When it rains it pours cupcakes. It’s like how people say that when you have a significant other all of a sudden you start getting all these offers from other suitors. Look, I’m not going to pretend like I know if that’s true or not. I don’t know men, I just know baked goods.

3. Gummy Prenatal Vitamin– I guess it’s a sign of the times that companies have to start making their vitamins into candy if they want anyone to take them. Ya know what though, I never miss a day with my gummy prenatal vitamins. I can’t remember the last time I took a multi-vitamin, but my totally unnecessary prenatal vitamins never go undigested. Gummy aside, this is the first time I’ve ever taken prenatal vitamins, and I can’t recommend them enough. After a couple weeks of taking it, my skin is looking like I have the glow of an expectant mother without the buzz kill of a fetus growing inside your stomach like some sci-fi movie. I think my hair is definitely softer, too.

4. Miss Representation– This documentary that was shown on OWN is a must-see. It’s all about how women are misrepresented in the media- in terms of being objectified or stereotyped, and also how men are being conditioned to think that objectifying women is normal (and stuff). It’s kind of depressing because I kind of came away from it thinking that nothing will ever change unless we all become completely genderless (which would mean no mascara, and I can’t! I won’t). Also, now I’m completely paranoid that I am objectifying myself all the time. I feel like I should start dressing like a sister wife in Utah or something. As scary as Miss Representation is, it’s also really inspiring and eye opening.

5. Salem– Tonight I’m taking a little drive to Salem, Mass to visit my friend from college. We’re going to dress up and go out, which makes me equal parts excited and petrified. I’ve never been to Salem on Halloween weekend, but I hear it is nuts. Don’t get me wrong, Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none, but the convention of wearing masks during a day that celebrates fear is probably the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard of. I mean, I’ve been in New York City and Las Vegas in the early hours of the morning, and I’m probably just as likely to get murdered there as I am on Halloween in Salem, but being in a crowd of people dressed as zombie Casey Anthonys and Jigsaws probably just brings a level of disorientation that only makes it seem like you’re in some immediate danger.

Sexy Male Halloween Costumes

Halloween has turned into the holiday where people shamelessly objectify women, and I feel that the only fair thing to do is to start objectifying men, too.

For your viewing pleasure, men being objectified:

I felt really good about that. Let’s move on.

I think the whole women in over-the-top sexy costumes thing is a little played out- it’s taken all the creativity out of figuring out what you’re going to be and making a costume.

But I don’t think I’ll be able to change that trend, so I propose a new, probably way better solution than wearing something more tame.

Shamelessly revealing costumes for men is something the public has not seen enough of so, I’d like to see men from all ages and walks of life going to Halloween pop-up stores and having sexy cop, firefighter, hula dancer, etc. be their only costume options. I want men, no matter tone or pudgy, to feel pressured into wearing a sexy costume. And none of these men can be gay. You get no credit for sexy costumes. If you are a straight man out there, strutting your stuff in some low-quality lycra, I salute you. In my slutty military outfit.

Let’s make slutty Halloween costumes an equal opportunity exploiter. I want to see this for Halloween:

Buddy Halloween Costumes for Singletons

It’s Halloween- just another holiday or another opportunity to rub it in that you are ALL ALONE. While all the other couples are dressing up as Jack and Rose, you are the lone wolf (or sexy wolf, sexy UPS worker, sexy barista, etc.). There’s no need to be sad, though! As long as you have another sad and pathetic friend (just kidding!) you can have just as much fun as all the other costume coordinated couples (just kidding, again).

2 Broke Girls- All you need are some yellow dresses and red aprons. Bonus: Carry around empty coffee pots and you can drink out of them all night!

Cher and Dionne from Clueless… or Cher and Tai… there just has to be a Cher. I just really love the 90’s and any opportunity to wear a mini backpack is one I will take advantage of.

The Plastics from Mean Girls- This one is pretty meta. Dressing up as movie characters on Halloween for Halloween.

Romy and Michelle from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion– Only one of the top 5 female buddy movies of all time.

Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World– This is an easy and cute costume. You can buy Wayne’s hat online and everybody looks cute in the oversized black glasses, but you have an excuse to wear them so no one will mistake you for a hipster.

The Golden Girls- This is for a group of ladies very secure in their looks and who can go without male attention for an entire night out. I think it’s well worth it, though.

I hope you are now feeling inspired to get all girl power-y for Halloween. Have any other ideas for platonic power couples you can go as?