Why My Mom Shouldn’t Miss Me

So, I thought my mom was missing me when I saw this on her Facebook: Screen shot 2013-07-09 at 9.42.08 PM

{Her computer at work}

But it would appear that circumstances have not improved, as this is what her Facebook profile looks like now:

Screen shot 2013-07-09 at 9.40.35 PM

{Maybe blurring out her name was unnecessary… but, whatever, just don’t stalk my mom, okay?}

The profile picture is me at The Bluebird Cafe in Nashville, taken on our road trip to LA, and her cover photo is of us on St. Patrick’s Day 48 hours before we left for said road trip (I’d like to add that my hair is a particularly fuh-resh shade of brilliant, copper red right there. I always get the roots touched up before St. Patty’s because that is the one day of year when I. AM. QUEEN. Suddenly evvvverybody loves a red head on Irish Day. Where were you people the other 364? Spare me your Jessica Rabbit childhood anecdotes. It is too little too late, friend).

Now, Mom, I know it must be hard for your oldest child to move across the country, but I feel like I have to remind you that I wasn’t that great to live with, anyway. Sure, I’m fun to go to the mall with and I know how you like your white wine spritzers (half Sprite, half Ginger Ale with a floater of Pinot Greeg that after your first sip will be watered down with more Sprite and Ginger Ale, and garnished with a jar of maraschino cherries), but there are plenty of reasons why your life must be easier now that I’m out of the house, like:

  • I never move the coffee table back when I’m done my exercise videos. It’s kinda heavy and my Jillian Michael’s videos make my arms feelz like Jell-oz!
  • Related: I make you do exercise DVD’s while I drink a glass of wine and yell that you’re doing it wrong.
  • From the Desk of Lynne Sussman: photo-1-8
  • I don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste even when the cap is attached to the toothpaste.
  • The cereal bags always end up ripping straight down the middle when I try to open them.
  • You get mad at me for drinking from all the communal beverages in the fridge (I still don’t see the big deal).
  • You must be saving a fortune from all the 2 Buck Chuck and Greek yogurt you don’t have to buy.
  • No one’s trying to make you eat quinoa anymore.
  • “It’s your tone” -Lynne Sussman

and finally/apparently….

  • I “don’t know how [I] sound sometimes.”

See? I’m pretty much the worst.

Although, who will drive hours with you just to go on binge eating field trips?

IMG_0501We are literally the only people I know who will drive an hour to the beach just to eat and go back home! Oh, Mumsie, I miss you (though I don’t miss you coming into my room screaming at 6am because you can’t find the comb).

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5 Things You’re Doing on the Internet That Might Get You Killed

Sometimes I think it’s my mission in life to make sure that everyone is both adequately worried about all the things that could go wrong in their life and how to avoid it. I’m a living and breathing Worst Case Scenario book. I have lots of little-known facts floating around in my head (did you know, if you have a one-night stand you are less likely to be murdered if you go to the other person’s house because, I guess, who wants blood on their carpet?), as well as really obvious ones that I think people tend to overlook (when was the last time you got your moles checked by a dermatologist? You know you should be doing that at least once a year, right? Melanoma is deadly but detectable!).

One obvious thing I think everyone really overlooks is what a death trap the internet can be. Luckily, I’m here to remind you.

Duh:

Craigslist_Killer_Kill18001f8e-2cb6-4f3a-9d43-26e50ba538940000_20100815224922_320_240

Craigslist- Do you remember that there have been people actually murdered because of Craigslist? I believe he was called “The Craiglist Killer,” correct? Why would you trust a site that lends itself so beautifully to alliterative nicknames for murderers? That $40 coffee table isn’t worth you ending up in someone’s industrial sized freezer. Once you reach 0 degrees Celsius, that thing is going to end up right back in some Cannibal Cop’s living room. Like, he’s going to eat you ON that coffee table you needed so bad.

match
Dating Sites- Lonely, vulnerable men and women, all in one place. Just type in criteria: women, blonde, petite, vegan/yoga enthusiast (if you want a lean meat). Basically, it’s like online shopping for serial killer Cannibal Cops.

Plus, they know all of your interests.

“Wait, you love The Gin Blossoms? I love the Gin Blossoms! Wanna go to your place so I can kill you -ERRRR, I MEAN- kiss you?”

foursquare

Foursquare- In my opinion, this is just about the dumbest thing you can do on the internet. Hey, stalkerz! Here’s where I’ll be all night! Oh, you’ve never heard of Soho House? Here’s a map for your convenience!

Google

Googling- This is a more indirect way to get yourself killed, but just be wary of what you type into Google. Let’s say someone in your life ends up dead, maybe a spouse, in which case you are suspect numero uno, and the police confiscate your laptop. Even if it’s just a coincidence that you searched “how to kill someone with an air embolism,” that might be all the prosecution needs to send you to the death chamber. For this blog post, I googled “how to slowly poison someone,” so I just better hope that no one I’m close to dies of an accidental coffee poisoning.

Oh, hey, why don't you LIKE my page on Facebook?

Oh, hey, why don’t you click here and LIKE my page on Facebook?

Facebooking on Vacation- This is a great way to let people know that there is no one at your house, and with a simple brick through the window your home becomes a Best Buy and Kay Jewelers for the neighborhood vagrants. Your Pandora Bracelets are as good as gone! And, oh! Thanks to a little food poisoning, it looks like you’ll be ending your weekend trip a day early. Yikes, your front door is ajar, better investigate! Bang! Bang! Bang! The neighborhood vagrants weren’t expecting you because your Facebook said you’d be “sippin’ margz in Malibu til Monday morning #sorrynotsorry,” but it’s only Sunday afternoon! And, you’re dead.

Did this help?

In Defense of the Facebook De-Friend

I have been de-friended by maybe a handful or two of Facebook friends over the years. I’d  imagine this is due mostly to some people’s spring cleaning ritual of dumping friends they don’t know and/or people that are sick of my constant blog promotion (look, I have never made an invitation for people to give me their phone numbers because I don’t have the presence of mind to backup my SIM card. It’s just a few blog links, you don’t have to click on them).

Only once was I defriended because of someone actually being mad at me- over a disagreement regarding cat sitting, no less. I don’t need cat sitting in my life. Good riddance.

To some, I think the de-friend is a huge F-U when used in the symbolic context of eliminating someone from your life with such finality. “Not only do I not want to hang out with you in real life, I’m going to cut you off from being able to check up on my relationship status. You will never know if I liked The Mindy Project enough to “like” it. That is how much I hate you!”

But the crowning, the Ultimate-Grand Supreme, the Honey Boo Boo of all “SUCK  ITS” is being on the receiving end of a Facebook block. I have received that privilege, again, just once, and like 9/11 and the assassination of JFK, I remember just where I was when I found out (for the last two: 7th grade math class and a glimmer in my father’s eye, respectively).

It was this past May (of 2012 for the aliens who have taken over Earth and are reading this 600 years from now), and I had met three of my college gal pals at a bar before a Red Sox game. After discussing which Sex and the City character we each were (as I mature I begin to realize that maybe I am, in fact a Miranda, but I believe my core spirit is truly a Carrie. Though, I do hope that I would be the kind of person who would have accepted Aidan’s love or at the very least, not taken Big back after he left me at the altar) we got to talking about boys.

Now, we were updating one another on former/current flames, and I mentioned that said  former flame had deleted his Facebook. Glances were exchanged, and then my friend Kelley did the deed of explaining, that I had actually, in fact, been blocked.

OH, I’M SORRY WHHHAAAAAT????

The block is so insulting because it feels maybe a little like a restraining order, which are only handed out to stalkers. When it comes to Internet stalking, I am like the lost Olsen triplet, because I can solve any crime by dinner time, as in, I’m a straight up sleuth… but I am no stalker. I imagine I was blocked because I might have blogged about him and maybe made some disparaging comments, but you could hardly call it defamation of character– I didn’t use his name. And even more importantly, I had already defriended him at this point. Sir, you cannot block me after you have been defriended. That’s like saying, “you can’t fire me!! I quit!” This is not the pilot episode of The Nanny!

It was annoying at first, but I have come to believe that a block is a real blessing in disguise. Even a de-friend is a great course of action when it comes to a break-up of lovahs or friends. In the age of Facebook, I have come to know WAY too much about you people.  With ex-friends, no matter how much I dislike them, a little part of me feels left out when I see pictures of them out and about having an especially good time because I always remember the part of them that made me want to be friends in the first place. And I don’t need to know what that old flame is up to. Even though I know I’d never date any of those “hims” again, I still like to take a peek from time-to-time, and there’s no reason to. There’s nothing that roots you in the past more than checking up on what you are or are not missing.

I just think Facebook and Twitter tethers you to the past a little too much than what is healthy. Isn’t it much better to just let someone go and move forward? I was talking with my dad, who isn’t on Facebook, and an ex of his (before my beautiful and saintly mother) came up and in regards to her he said, “who knows what she’s up to, she could be dead by now.”

What a lovely idea. To just not know. They could be dead! Is that just me? It just seems so much more pleasant to put people in the past where they belong. Not checking up to see who they committed to instead of us, or to see if they got fat (which is still satisfying, but probably not right). I’m just saying that maybe it would be healthier if we could be a little more generous in our Facebook de-friends no matter how insulting it is. It’s for the best.

Daily Facebook Inspiration from Mom

For years I have successfully kept my mom off of Facebook, but a few months ago the day finally came when she arrived home from work with a profile already set up. I refused her friend request for a while –not because I have anything to hide– girl has already seen me a bottle of wine deep, crying while I watch Top Chef. I don’t do anything more interesting than that. I hesitated friending her because Mama loves herself a good forwarded email, so I knew my wall would end up littered with some hardcore inspirationz and affirmationz.

After a run-in with an unlimited mimosas brunch (Brunch! Brunch! Take a shot!) on Mother’s Day, my heart was bursting with mommy-love so I accepted her friend request. Since then, her positivity and clip art have been all over my wall:

Maybe other ladies’ kids…  

I think the best part about these is that anyone who happens to pay attention to her posts would start to get the impression that I am teetering on the brink of spending my afternoon swinging from a shower rod, but I assure you nothing can be that bad if your mother is still  posting Cher quotes on your Facebook.

 

The 5 Red Flags of Facebook

Are you single and looking to jingle (have a date to future Christmas parties)? Well, then you might spend a lot of time on Facebook stalking potential partners. Obviously, the perks of living in a world where no one of your generation has any sense of privacy or personal safety (I know your last name, place of business, and birth date! This sounds like a great start to steal your identity! Foursquare? Awesome, I was thinking about murdering you tonight, and now I know just where to look!) is you never truly have to go on a blind date- you can always check out the goods beforehand.

Facebook might seem like it’s only useful to check out a potential mate’s appearance and favorite movies–and even then, a lot of people tend to put misleading information and pictures on their page to appear to be a better version of themselves. Though you can never be sure if the strangers/people you meet at a bar/distant acquaintances you stalk on Facebook are cool (ie not murderers or lame-o’s) there are some red flags you can look out for. Take it from me, a Facebook stalking/snap judgement expert.

The 5 Red Flags of Facebook (for Stalkers)

1. Nothing is listed for the “Interested In” category

This could mean: they are gay

Remember, this is just a red flag, not a deal breaker…but if they are gay, that’s probably a dealbreaker (I say ‘probably’ because depending on your age, maybe not. If you’re 50 and single, why not capitalize on the companionship and tax benefits that a last minute gay husband or wife might afford)? I’m just saying, that in my experience, many of the gay people I know left that blank while they were in the closet or while they were one foot out of the closet, but not like, out, out.

It might just mean: They’re straight and didn’t care enough to fill that out or didn’t think it was anyone’s business (HOW DARE THEY, THIS IS THE INTERNET,  EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS MY BUSINESS).

Proceed with: caution, but don’t count them out. You might not end up with a romantic date to your holiday office party, but you might end up with a nice fake date (or platonic spouse) so you can at least walk in with someone (like I did at my senior prom).

2. The only book they have listed is The Bible.

This could mean: they are stupid

The Bible is a fine choice for your DEAR time (Drop Everything And Read… anyone?), but only if in addition, you have read other books– of your own volition.. Cather in the Rye doesn’t count, I know they made you read that in high school. To someone without my keen eye, they may read “Bible” as a person’s only book choice and see a God-fearing man or woman, that might just be suitable to bring home to the parents after a lengthy courtship with monitored hand-holding sessions (shout out to TLC’s Virgin Diaries cast members!). I see someone who can’t even think of the last 3 books they read to throw up there like the rest of us do.

It might just mean: Uggggh, sorry, I’ve got nothing. My bets are on stupid.

Proceed with: Nothing. Do not proceed in the first place. I mean, unless you’re just looking for a hot dummy to show off for a while, by all means, go for it. But if you’re looking for any kind of legitimate relationship or DNA for your future child, I would say keep looking for someone who cares enough to at the very least, also list the Motley Crue biography and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Just, come on, anything.

Oh, oh! And P.S. If they list “Passion of the Christ” as a favorite movie, RED FLAG, RED FLAG! For totally different reasons, but still… unless you’re into that stuff, redddd flaggggg.

3. Half-Naked Profile Pictures

This could mean: They are full of themselves

This is a tough one to over look. I know those abs look nice, and you’ve got a hamper full of clothes that need washing (amiright, ladies?), but seriously, watch out: this person knows they look good. I think it is important to go through all of their profile pictures and see how many are shirtless or half-naked. If there’s more than one, this is bad news. People who know they’re really hot or think they’re really hot, are not the kind of people you want to date (for more explanation you can read: Unsolicited Dating Advice from Someone with No Qualifications). A healthy sense of self-esteem is great, but no one likes a narcissist (or more importantly a significant other that thinks they can do better than you).

It might just mean: They have low self-esteem and are over compensating. In which case, snatch them up- a hottie with low self-esteem is the Holy Grail!

Proceed with: no expectations. If you’re gonna go for it, know that a low-stakes relationship where you can show them off to ex’s is your smartest option.

4. They post pictures of themselves doing illegal activities 

This could mean: Oh man, so many things. A special kind of idiot is definitely high on the list, though.

Some red plastic cups (whether you’re underage or not) is one thing. You in neon clothes and daisies in your hair at a Disco Biscuits concert is one thing. You holding a blunt with smoke coming out of your mouth is ANOTHER thing. So, this is a red flag, but also a rant to all you idiots out there who have 100 pictures of you smoking weed on your Facebook. Look, do what you do on your own time, but… do you want a job some day? I saw on the news that there was a teacher who was FIRED because there was a picture of her holding a BEER in GERMANY at OKTOBERFEST. She was of age and experiencing Europe’s effervescent culture! If she got fired for that, then I’m sure your employer would love to see a picture of you with a 10 foot bong in your hand. I see this trend a LOT with young college girls, and I promise, you are going to wish you didn’t post all that stuff when I print it off, wait patiently for about 18-20 years, and then show it to your 15 year-old children. Bottom line: if they don’t have the sense to keep pictures of themselves doing illegal things off Facebook, RED FLAG.

It might just mean: They are misguided.

Proceed with: Restraint. Wait a few years to ask them out until they are GUIDED.

5. Overuse of quotes for their status

This could mean: They are overly emotional… ie… cah-ray-zyyyy. Also: annoying.

The great thing about quotes is that it gives a little insight into your subject’s psyche. If this girls’ wall is covered in The Notebook quotes, RED FLAG. Sure, I practically think in Taylor Swift lyrics, but am I going to put that kind of whiney stuff up on my wall for everyone to see? No. When it comes to girls, if they’re posting a lot of quotes about princess and unicorn love stories that they hope to one day experience, w-w-watch out. Now for guys, and this is just in my own experience, guys who have a lot of philosophical quotes, are usually an artist of some kind and overly emotional (for more information on the crazy artist see: The 5 Men Every Lady is Entitled to Date).

It might just mean: They just really like quotes. No shame in that.

Proceed with: minimal caution. I’m just planting this seed as a potential “I told you so” for later if things don’t pan out with them.

Other Red Flags:

If they have more than 3 pictures of themselves taken in a bathroom mirror.

If they have pictures of themselves on the toilet.

If anything on their Facebook takes place in a bathroom!!!!