Meet the Future of the Adult Entertainment Industry

I think it’s obvious that we’ve allowed some of America’s children to slip through the cracks. And guess what those kids find in those cracks? Actual crack. If these tiny forgotten souls manage to escape the drugs, they might just end up stripping or in porn. Where I’m sure there’s a lot of crack. It’s a vicious cycle, beginning and leading to crack.

To give you a better example of the kinds of kids that end up in porn or on drugs or at the very least, have no chance of escaping a future of psychotherapy and a string of loveless marriages, I put together a small list.

Children with No Chance of Being Functioning Members of Society:

1. Sophia Grace and Rosie

I think we’ve all been a little irresponsible in our care and keeping of these two little British girls. It’s one thing to give them a viral video, I’ll even grant you one Ellen Show appearance, but I think we’ve gotten greedy. How do you think it’s going to go when these girls are 25 and they realize they peaked at 8? In their formative years they’ve been taught that by performing a rather mediocre version of a Nikki Minaj song they’re entitled to be on TV. I mean Ellen gave them a billboard in LA last week. A BILLBOARD! Why try to cure cancer or become a lady president if a tone-deaf rendition of an age-inappropriate song gets you to the Grammy’s?

2. The 5 Year-Old Daughter of This Woman

I mean, I could probably just stop right here. Anyone who uses that much bronzer does not have the presence of mind to take care of any kind of living organism, let alone a daughter who can grow up to become a serial killer. Anyway, this lady brought her toddler to go tanning and was arrested for it. First, it’s my own personal opinion that unless your kid has some sort of monster uni-brow or other deformity, you shouldn’t allow or encourage them to alter their appearance until they’re a teenager. I mean, they can play with make up, sure, but encouraging your kid to tan (or even spray tan) puts into their head at a very young age that they’re not good enough the way they are, which is just like, priming them for a future as a Hustler centerfold. AND, just the fact that this mother has such little common sense as to let a 5 year-old tan, you know she’s probably letting her sex-offender nephew babysit or something (#toomuchnotenoughjustright? Sowee)

3. Bear Silverstone

So if you haven’t seen this video, it’s Alicia Silverstone (for terrorists who don’t know, that’s Cher from Clueless) and she’s feeding her son, Bear (first problem) from her mouth like a BIRD. Okay, I’m all about letting you do you, but this isn’t even safe! Even if it was sanitary, what are the chances that this kid is going to have a successful relationship with any woman besides his mother?

So a big ‘good luck’ to these little cherubs, and I’d like for them to remember something: One day when someone asks you to be in a ‘documentary about drug addiction’ and they ask you to meet them at a hotel for your final interview… RUN!