72 Year-Old Woman Arrested During Wendy Davis Filibuster

This is a lil’ inneresting video! A police officer arresting a 72 year-old woman in the gallery at the Wendy Davis’s Filibuster Fun-Time Party of 2013 for… sitting? I guess? She was charged with a felony for resisting arrest (which was later dropped), and I can only hope that at 72 I start getting charged with felonies for being a regulation bad ass.

You know who else is an intelligent, regulation bad ass and an Earth Angel Queen with a majestic waterfall of hair that looks like it’s been kissed by the morning sun?

mag-17Britton-t_CA0-articleLarge Oh. Well, yes. But I actually meant:

Wendy DavisSenator Wendy Davis who is giving us some Hot Rollers and Human Rights realness.

Waaaaait, a second…..

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If, hypothetically, they were to make a Wendy Davis biopic starring Connie Britton, would it be so unreasonable to request that she leads a chant of “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” with the gallery of protesters? What if she just whispers it under her breath really fast at the end of a scene? Add a scene for it in the Blue-ray director’s cut?!!

Oh, and one more thing!!!

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Why I Won’t Make Fun of Miss Utah

If you think the acronym “NSA” is shorthand for the 2011 romantic comedy No Strings Attached then you have probably heard about Miss Utah screwing up her onstage question at the Donald Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. If you haven’t heard about it, here is a clip, and also who are you and why are you reading this blog?

Rough.

Now, I’ve noticed that people are taking either one of two positions with this Miss Utah situation (you’ve entered the situation room! What does NSA stand for? Who is Benghazi? I DUNNO!):

They either A.) Have zero sympathy and call her a bimbo, or B.) Give her all of the sympathy because stringing together a coherent sentence on national TV is very nerve wracking.

But I’ve found a third option because I don’t see the deflated breast implant as half empty or half full.

Maybe Marissa Powell isn’t very smart, but she doesn’t have to be. She was campaigning for Miss USA (and probably for a show on FOX News), not Secretary of State.

Or maybe she is smart and that 30 second clip wasn’t an accurate reflection of her intelligence.

Regardless, as an audience, it’s not fair that we watch a pageant where you won’t be taken seriously if you’re under 5’9 without heels and throw them a question on gender inequality (perhaps a subject that pageant girls from Utah aren’t super familiar with?) then tell them to just shut their mouthes and stick to being beautiful when they screw it up.

Surely, there was a beautiful woman up there who could have answered the question eloquently, but don’t eviscerate Miss Utah because she couldn’t. If you want the real answer to that onstage question, then why don’t we open up the pageant to some Bryn Mawr student who doesn’t know the proper form for a squat.

Either way, pageants aren’t a great scale to measure a woman on because being smart or beautiful doesn’t determine the worth of a human being. Apparently, Marissa is a singer/songwriter, an ambassador for a charity that brings rehabilitation medicine to Haiti, and has a terminally ill little brother, so maybe she’s not so bad and we can all chill the eff out on publicly humiliating a 21 year-old. At least she’s out there doing something other than crack. I don’t love pageants, but they are certainly better than crack.

Sooooo, I guess that third option I was talking about earlier is we all enter into a nationwide suicide pact for allowing Donald Trump to decide the criteria for the ideal woman? That sounds right, I think.

Ugh, feminism is hard.

Here’s another idea: instead of making fun of someone, we use all that excess energy to burn TMZ to the ground for posting stuff like this:

Screen shot 2013-06-18 at 11.20.11 AM Screen shot 2013-06-18 at 11.20.40 AMWho’d you rather, guys?! Miss South Carolina !!TEEN!! or Miss Utah?

Rather what?

Hire as the CFO for your Silicon Valley start-up?

Be the godmother and role model to your future children?

Put your penis in?

Right!! Sorry!! That last one is all that matters! Thanks, TMZ!!!!

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Amanda Knox Has a Boyfriend and I Don’t…

…now, let’s find out the “why” of it…

Tuesday night I live tweeted CNN’s Chris Cuomo interview with Amanda Knox. Here’s what ensued:

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.41 AMStill true.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.53 AM Cuoms was being really uncool.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.05 AM“WELL THE THEORY IS THAT YOU’RE A BIG SLUT/MURDERER, HOW COULD THEY COME UP WITH THAT IF YOU’RE NOT A BIG SLUT/MURDERER?” – Chris Cuomo and his Bachelor of Science degree in journalism
Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.18 AM …..things got a little femi-nasty.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.28 AM#tryingtohelp

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.39 AM Ya know, if it weren’t for the murder and 4 years in prison, Amanda’s trip abroad would basically be an adorable romantic comedy of errors, where a young woman experiences her sexual awakening abroad. Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.49 AMSoups on, and I’m stirring up trouble.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.01.00 AM Do you need a deposit slip so you can take that advice to the bank?

So, this is where I’m at right now.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!!! @daralaine

5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

WWCBDHow do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

  1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial. screen-shot-2013-04-25-at-1-11-50-pm
  2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show. BUT IN MY DEFENSE!!! I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
  3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
  4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time. cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946
  5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama looooves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! I’m Mama!

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hawk osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent, but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on ebay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn! Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

gwyneth_paltrow_and_mother_blythe_dannerLook at her! That bitch is regal!

Who Wore It Best: Psychopath Edition

While trying to find a live-stream of the Jodi Arias trial on my computer so I could multi-task packing for LA and enjoying the exploitation of a murder victim and his family, I stumbled upon this little nugget:

jodiWell, well, well, looks like even female murderers aren’t immune to objectification.

IN THAT CASE:

whoworeitbestI don’t knoooow, those pink handcuffs are a nice touch. When exactly did the Handcuffs for Delicate Lady Criminals line come out?

Happy International Women’s Day….I GUESS

Hey, when’s International Men’s Day, huh? When do men get to parade around the street in celebration of their storied heritage? Just men, coming together, jingling tube socks full of quarters symbolizing the blood and tears that went into preserving the gender wage gap.

IT’S REVERSE SEXISM IS WHAT IT IS.

Speaking of sexists:

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Here are two more misogynists working to reverse all the lady-progress that Taylor Swift has fought so hard for.

{In Bed With Joan Episode 1: Sarah Silverman}

5 Things You’re Doing on the Internet That Might Get You Killed

Sometimes I think it’s my mission in life to make sure that everyone is both adequately worried about all the things that could go wrong in their life and how to avoid it. I’m a living and breathing Worst Case Scenario book. I have lots of little-known facts floating around in my head (did you know, if you have a one-night stand you are less likely to be murdered if you go to the other person’s house because, I guess, who wants blood on their carpet?), as well as really obvious ones that I think people tend to overlook (when was the last time you got your moles checked by a dermatologist? You know you should be doing that at least once a year, right? Melanoma is deadly but detectable!).

One obvious thing I think everyone really overlooks is what a death trap the internet can be. Luckily, I’m here to remind you.

Duh:

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Craigslist- Do you remember that there have been people actually murdered because of Craigslist? I believe he was called “The Craiglist Killer,” correct? Why would you trust a site that lends itself so beautifully to alliterative nicknames for murderers? That $40 coffee table isn’t worth you ending up in someone’s industrial sized freezer. Once you reach 0 degrees Celsius, that thing is going to end up right back in some Cannibal Cop’s living room. Like, he’s going to eat you ON that coffee table you needed so bad.

match
Dating Sites- Lonely, vulnerable men and women, all in one place. Just type in criteria: women, blonde, petite, vegan/yoga enthusiast (if you want a lean meat). Basically, it’s like online shopping for serial killer Cannibal Cops.

Plus, they know all of your interests.

“Wait, you love The Gin Blossoms? I love the Gin Blossoms! Wanna go to your place so I can kill you -ERRRR, I MEAN- kiss you?”

foursquare

Foursquare- In my opinion, this is just about the dumbest thing you can do on the internet. Hey, stalkerz! Here’s where I’ll be all night! Oh, you’ve never heard of Soho House? Here’s a map for your convenience!

Google

Googling- This is a more indirect way to get yourself killed, but just be wary of what you type into Google. Let’s say someone in your life ends up dead, maybe a spouse, in which case you are suspect numero uno, and the police confiscate your laptop. Even if it’s just a coincidence that you searched “how to kill someone with an air embolism,” that might be all the prosecution needs to send you to the death chamber. For this blog post, I googled “how to slowly poison someone,” so I just better hope that no one I’m close to dies of an accidental coffee poisoning.

Oh, hey, why don't you LIKE my page on Facebook?

Oh, hey, why don’t you click here and LIKE my page on Facebook?

Facebooking on Vacation- This is a great way to let people know that there is no one at your house, and with a simple brick through the window your home becomes a Best Buy and Kay Jewelers for the neighborhood vagrants. Your Pandora Bracelets are as good as gone! And, oh! Thanks to a little food poisoning, it looks like you’ll be ending your weekend trip a day early. Yikes, your front door is ajar, better investigate! Bang! Bang! Bang! The neighborhood vagrants weren’t expecting you because your Facebook said you’d be “sippin’ margz in Malibu til Monday morning #sorrynotsorry,” but it’s only Sunday afternoon! And, you’re dead.

Did this help?

I’m Not Saying Jennifer Lawrence Fell On Purpose…

…but do you think that fall was maybe a little too likeable?

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Sure, I want to be her best friend, and duh, I’ve been replaying that quick shot of her during the “We Saw Your Boobs” song like a GIF in my brain – that moment was second in likeability to the fall. But, I swear on my life, I knew she was going to trip. The instant before it happened, I said to myself, “she’s going to fall.” Does that make me a little psychic or am I just hip to her scam? Both, probably.

Look, I’m not saying she faked it, but I may be saying that she didn’t hoist up the hem of that skirt in the hopes that something very likeable might happen.

And who didn’t love Hugh Jackman rushing to her aid? I loved it. Don’t mistake that. I hear he’s second billing on Jennifer’s Likeability Tour ’13, to which, I have front row seats.

Free Lucy Elizabeth: The Saddest Nancy Grace Twin

Poor, little Lucy Elizabeth seems to have figured out that she rode the vagina water slide into a cruel universe that would bestow upon her half the DNA of Nancy Grace and half the DNA of a man who would marry Nancy Grace. Meanwhile, her brother, John David, takes in the sights and sounds of Legoland, blissfully unaware that his mother is not just “mommy,” she’s Nancy Grace. And she stands by the theory that Amanda Knox is guilty.

Lucy Elizabeth knows, and she carries that burden for the both of them.

Stay strong, Lucy Elizabeth. Let John David enjoy his ignorance for just a little longer. He’ll know soon enough.

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Advice to Men on How to Not Get Murdered

The only thing that comes close to my love for SVU is my love for true crime stories. I wish everyone would watch them because you learn so much about how to not get murdered. Like, I know not to go to unpopulated places at night, and at any given moment, I can name you three different objects in the room that I could use as a weapon. Sure, you live in an almost constant state of fear, or as I like to call it, “alertness,” but you are not dead and free to watch more 20/20 Investigates. Add some wine, and that, my friends, is called living.

My newest Nancy Grace level obsession is the Jodi Arias death penalty trial. To give you a quick run-down, Jodi was dating this guy, Travis Alexander, for about a year on-and-off. After they had broken up, they continued to have sex, until the day Jodi killed Travis. She traveled to his house in Arizona from her house in California, where they did the do, took naked pictures of each other, and then at some point Jodi stabbed him 27 times, slit his throat, and shot him in the face twice.

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First, she said that ninjas broke in and attacked them, but she escaped. Now, she’s saying that he was an abusive pedophile and she killed him in self-defense, but I’m pretty sure she’s a pathological liar and he never hit her. My theory is that he quickly became aware that he wasn’t interested in committing to her, but he kept her as a back-up when he wanted sex and companionship. He gave her mixed messages about his feelings, so she thought that she just had to be patient and work to win him back (which never happens). One day, she finally realized it’s never happening and that he had been using her all along, so she killed him.

Up until the murder part, this sort of thing happens all the time.

Her defense is trying to say that no one would go back to a partner that didn’t care about them unless they had some sort of battered woman’s syndrome from physical abuse. Some “expert lawyer” panelists on HLN are even saying that this makes sense! Do these idiots even watch Girls?! You don’t have to abuse anyone to make them keep coming back to you like a desperate lunatic, all you have to do is not text them for a week. And that is no justification for murder! If they let this lady off, it just sets a precedent that you can kill someone in self-defense for attacking your heart.

Now, what can you learn from this, boys? First, if someone is really into you and it’s not mutual, you should move along and let them be because they might kill you. If that’s not an option, at least pick your emotional murder victim carefully. If someone exhibits the warning signs of craziness, don’t mess with them. Getting murdered and having your phone sex sessions played in open court can’t possibly be worth the gas-station-bathroom-crazy-person-sex she is offering.

I mean, look at how dead she is behind the eyes. That is a lady you don’t screw with!

ImageProcessor She should be put away for those bangs alone! Heeeeey!