‘Courtney’s Countdown’ Ep. 1 Recap

Well, guys, this is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life in one 7 minute Youtube video (5 minutes of actual footage and 2 minutes of just dead air, which I think was a really interesting artistic choice).

Courtney Stodden, our favorite 17 year-old next door, has decided to serve us up some kiddie porn hot and fresh, in the form of her new web series, ‘Courtney’s Countdown.’

Now, just to back track for a second, I was under the impression that Courtney was going to get a real reality show with her husband on some sort of soulless network like E!, but perhaps Ryan Seacrest grew a conscience and thought better of exploiting a minor. I hope not. I hope this is just the precursor to the main event. Ice Loves Coco, but filthy and disgusting and devoid of any real emotion.

Okay, back to the recap. In the pilot episode, titled ‘My Foot Hurts,’ we open on a black screen, with only the words,

Is this a web series about a May-December romance or a Nick Cage movie? Either way, I’m in.

So in the first shot, Courtney, who has obviously been fed a steady diet of ludes by her mother, is propped up Weekend at Bernie’s style to let us know that “Courtney’s Countdown begins in 3….2….1” proving that Court can not only count, but can do so backwards and in her underwear. I imagine this is on a similar level of difficulty as patting your head and rubbing your stomach. We’re off to a promising start.

In the next montage of clips we see our heroine, going about her daily routine- coming home from a day of shopping, cooking for her husband, not going to high school, not socializing with people within two decades of her own age, etc. – but today, something’s different. Something is off.

Courtney’s foot hurts.

In a phone conversation with her mother (the mensch of a woman we can thank for making Courtney the contributing member of society she is today), Courtney tries to solve the case of the ouch-y foot. The older and wiser Mama Stodden, suggests that it could be that really strenuous photo shoot the other day- Courtney was jumping around, it could be strained. Ice might help, but Courtney’s not buying that, no way. This was the photo shoot Mama Stodden was talking about?

Jesus has risen, y'all!

So after a tense conversation with mom about what dress to wear to her next photo shoot (‘Just do the white dress like I told yoooouuu.’ Mother-daughter relationships never change! Shucks) Courtney makes a quick wardrobe change.

Finally we are introduced to the man of the hour, Court’s 50 year old husband, Doug. In a tender moment between husband and wife (that looks a lot like a tender moment between father and daughter), Courtney confides that her foot hurts, and she thinks, nay, she’s sure that her bunny photo shoot was the culprit for that aching tootsie of hers. Doug respectfully disagrees. He thinks it might be those hooker shoes she wears to go hiking.

Courtney asks, ‘When do you think it will get better?’

‘With time,’ Doug says poignantly.

Like, it should be fine in two weeks. Like, by that photo shoot she has in two weeks.

Then, Doug realizes in a flash that he has the magic antidote:

A kiss!

One Week Later….

We come full circle with a second phone conversation with Mama Stodden. Courtney has visited the doctor, and it’s just a minor sprain. From that photo shoot. Everyone thought it was the shoes, but it’s not the shoes. It was the photo shoot.

Courtney meets up with Doug to reiterate the news from the doctor that we were told 7 seconds ago. It was the shoot. Not the shoes. We all thought it was the shoes. It was not the shoes.

“What do you think about that?” Courtney asks.

“I think I love you.” Doug replies.

And I think I love you, too, Courtney. We all love you.

If you’d like to watch this episode and experience the laughter and the tears first hand, the complete episode is right here.

And remember, only 133 more days until Courtney turns 18!!!

Your Weekly Stodden Update

Okay, I promise that after this, I will retire* my coverage of your favorite Christian and mine, Mrs. Courtney Stodden.

*I cannot promise this.

I am considering retiring my Courtney posts because of the Funny or Die video starring her and her husband that came out today.

I know that I’ve made fun of her here, but this whole video was kind of sad for a couple of reasons: 1. I’m not convinced she’s in on the joke. I think she is playing some sort of character, but I wonder if she knows that this whole video is just making fun of her. I know a lot of people might be cynical and say she knows exactly what she’s doing, and maybe she does, but I think she has no idea what the repercussions might be in the future.  2. (And even more sad) No matter what, this girl is still 17, and she has no one protecting her. Everyone in her life would rather get rich off her than do what’s in her best interest (and there has GOT to be someone drugging her up backstage. Courtney, open your eyes! I mean -physically- open your eyes- you look drugged!).

I know she doesn’t look 17, but she still is, and nobody at Funny or Die stopped and thought that while Jason Alexander is putting his phone on her boobs and his hand on her bare legs and making mmmm, huminah-huminah faces, that this girl who looks like a stripper, is still just a girl.

If you want to watch the video it’s right here, I didn’t feel it was ethical to post it on my blog.

Just kidding, I don’t care that much. WordPress wouldn’t let me post the video in the format it’s in.

The 12 Days of Courtney Stodden

If you’ve read my blog before, you might be aware of my obsession over saving a one Miss Courtney Stodden, child bride to Doug Hutchison.

Yup, there’s our girl!

I’m an avid follower of her twitter, and in my efforts to convert her into a one-woman army of self respect, I even tweeted her some sage advice. Not a few hours later did she tweet something that included such words as ‘slippery’ and ‘meow.’ So clearly I have been IGNORED!

Despite this obvious slap in the face, I can’t help but get into the Christmas spirit as I continue to follow her. Since the end of November she almost exclusively tweets about Christmas- she is a devout Christian, so I get that this is a big time of year for her. I thought it unfair to keep the holiday cheer from the rest of the world, so I decided to compile them all here for you.

The Twelve Tweets of Courtney Stodden’s Seductively Slippery Santa-stic Christmas:

1. Flirty spirit? Are you trying to tell us that you’re one of the 3 ghosts from A Christmas Carol? Which is it, Courtney? Are you 17 or a literary ghost? I’m starting to get suspicious.

 2. I don’t know anything about the Naughty List, but I will say that your artisan candy tasting will get Santa on the sex offenders registry. Find an age appropriate boyfriend!

3. Rds? Reds, maybe? Not sure. Happy to see that she’s trying to use the ever elusive semi-colon, though.

4. Courtney! If you call yourself a ho-ho-ho is just makes guys think it’s okay to call you that!

5.  This one isn’t so bad, right? She’ll be leaving him milk with his cookies. Just some good, ole’ fashion 2%.

6. I’m not really sure if anyone fully explained to this girl who Santa is. You don’t have the sleigh, Santa does! She’ll get it eventually.

Wait a second. I just understood what she meant by ‘slippery sleigh.’ Ew! Geez, Courtney! It’s Jesus’s birthday for Christsake!

 7. This sounds like the description of a limited edition scent from Yankee Candle.


9. Of all the people in her home town who are probably embarrassed by her, I’m sure at least her third grade teacher is proud. Courtney never forgot that lesson in alliteration. Teachers just touch lives, bottom line.

10. So the way I understand it, the yarmulke is to the Jews as the Christmas cat-suit is to the Christians?

11. I’m just too tired.

And #12…. Because lest we forget what Christmas is really about: The Baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas to All.