10 Karaoke Songs and What They Say About You

Back in college, I used to emcee at a karaoke bar. Though I only worked there for a month, I experienced more in that month than most 20 year-old’s should experience in like, two months. During that time, I picked up some lessons along the way, including:

1. If at your job, the new, older security guard who looks like Channing Tatum asks you out upon meeting you, it really is too good to be true. It’s possible that he might smile and you’ll realize he has a missing tooth or maybe he’ll end up getting fired on his first day for calling your manager a bitch. Or both! Yes, surely both.

2. Just because one of your managers has a newborn and says he’s sickened by the men who harass you while you’re trying to work, doesn’t mean he won’t tell you that he thinks he never should have gotten married, and you’re the only one he’s told, and you’re so mature, and do you want to get a drink after work?

And lastly,

3. Everyone sings the same handful of songs.

So, using all of my professional expertise, here are the 10 Karaoke Songs Everyone Sings and What They Say About You:

Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa or Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain:

2CD Shania TWAIN - up (zafoliowana)You have a delightful sense of humor and are something of a feminist, interested in uniting the women of the bar, if only for 3 minutes. While we all drunkenly shout through the chorus as one, we are singing for our oppressed sisters around the world who do not have the freedom to hold a GirlZ Night for themselves.

All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers: You’re a boy in your mid-twenties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your girlfriend’s best friend’s birthday party. I will hand it to you though, everyone gets hyped for the “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” part.

Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin: You’re a man in your mid-forties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your wife’s best friend’s birthday party. It’s a night out of the suburbs where every wife gets a Moscato and every husband gets a Jack and Coke!

I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston: You have no self-awareness.

Take Me or Leave Me from “RENT”:

cd-rentYou are a former or current musical theatre kid who will go up and sing no less than 3 times in one night, use all the vibrato you can muster, and then sit in a booth in the back while you complain about how sad it is that any person singing who isn’t you thinks they’re doing really well.

Don’t Stop Believing by Journey or Santeria by Sublime: You have no creativity or imagination.

American Pie by Don McLean or Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin:

led-zeppelin-stairway-to-heaven-albumYou have narcissistic personality disorder and have no regard for other people’s feelings or happiness. I always had the courage to save a room from a 10 minute Led Zeppelin hostage situation and pull the plug on the mic after a verse and a chorus, but not every karaoke emcee is as protective over their audience.

So, based on your favorite karaoke song, what kind of person are you? Honestly, I don’t care as long as you don’t sing Hallelujah. 

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Caitlin Linney: Home

Happy Friday, one and all. Here’s a little treat for you as I get ready to run out the door to my generic brand Ballet Barre workout class, Pop Physique:

My friend from college is an amazingly talented country singer/songwriter, and she just released the music video for her song, “Home.” If you like the songwriting of Taylor Swift, but you don’t like the sound of a burlap sack full of cats sinking into the Hudson River, then you will love Caitlin Linney. Seriously, watch the video or find her on Spotify. She’s the next big thing, and I won’t say that for just any friend because all of my friends aren’t talented, and I don’t like to encourage any undeserved confidence. I’m a really good friend.

5 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Can’t Find Love

May I take a stab at this one? I have a few ideas:

1. Taylor is sooooo tall. That eliminates an enormous amount of the male celebrity population right there. That only leaves her with guys who are okay with her being taller and guys who are actually taller…So Tom Cruise and Jason Segel. And since Jason is taken by Michelle Williams (but ultimately by me. Just get me to Hollywood and you’ll see!) that leaves her with Tom. I dunno… I think she’d make an okay scientologist. Think about it, Taylor. Jenna Elfman and the guy who played Hyde on That 70’s Show could be the god parents to your future alien children. 

2. She keeps dating these young guys. A high schooler like Conor Kennedy is probably pretty immature and not anywhere near ready to settle into a long term relationship, but this speaks to a much bigger problem for Taylor: that she is a total weirdo. What I’m about to say is sexist, and a very unpopular opinion amongst the men that I tell this to, but I know I’m right: Girls (ages 15 to 28ish) who date a guy more than 2 or 3 years younger than them are weirdos. If you think I’m wrong, then you are either a weirdo girl who dates young guys or you’re a guy who thinks he’s a stud because he dated an older lady once. You don’t have to believe me, but trust, a 28 year old woman is only dating a 23 year old guy who works at Applebees because she can’t find a 28 year old man with a stable job who is willing to date her. She’s probably going to tell you she’s on the pill, and then when she gets pregnant she’ll say that she must be one of those .01% that birth control doesn’t work for. JUS’ SAYIN’. To circle this back to Taylor, I think guys her own age and older are catching on that she’s a total weirdo.

3. She’s scaring guys off with her love songs. Taylor, I know how it is. Being the Taylor Swift of blogging (right? riiiiiiight?) I understand that it’s irresistible to write about guys, but if finding love is very important to you right now, maybe consider writing a Christmas album and let that ride for a while.

4. She falls in love with everyone. This is what 8th graders do! She needs to start writing songs about how she sort of dated a guy for a couple months but then they just kind of phased each other out, but sometimes when she’s in town they make out a little bit. They can’t all be the love of your life, Taylor! Hide your cards a little bit next time. I have a bad feeling that the “love” was all on your end in these past relationships. I’m pretty sure John Mayer is a sociopath and unable to feel love, so I think that proves my point. UGH, and get rid of that house you just bought next to Conor’s. SO WEIRD, TAYLOR.

5. SHE IS TWENTY-TWO! Good lord, US Weekly, give her a break- she has so much left to do. She hasn’t even taken a year off from working and bought her way into Harvard yet.