How I Get Ready for a Night on the Town

How do I go from looking like this: lindsay-lohan-crack

to this vision of class: 36510_4215369902773_2132590753_n

before a night out?

READ ON FOR THE SCOOP!

4 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Get a craving for some kind of take-out food for dinner. I will generally rationalize the fact that I’m about to eat some sort of heavy meal before wearing some sort of spandex/cotton blend dress by telling myself that eating a huge meal before drinking is the responsible thing to do.

3.5 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Curse myself for eating Indian or Greek food before going out. No amount of Listerine Total Care Mouthwash will hide this smell because now the chicken tikka masala is just seeping out of my pores. I make peace with myself and God and the fact that I’ll be talking with my hand discreetly in front of my mouth for the night.

3 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Finish the last 45 minutes of Clueless on Comedy Central.clueless-lipstick

2 Hours and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Remember that time exists and who I am as a person and realize that 2 hours and 15 minutes is cutting it close if I want to be ready on time.

2 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Stop watching a 10 year-old episode of Law and Order: SVU on TBS and get in the shower (unless it’s the episode where Olivia goes undercover at the women’s prison, in which case, all is lost).

1 Hour and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Start in on a glass of wine while I dry my hair. Drinking while getting ready to go out and drinking while cooking are my two favorite hobbies besides drinking outside during the day.

1 Hour Prior to Leaving the House: Weigh the pros and cons of leaving the house. Think of ways to get out of these plans. Curse myself for making plans. Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 10.51.31 AM

45 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Realize that drinking before putting my eye make up on was a bad idea. Go through 8 Q-tips trying to clean up the mess I’ve made with my Urban Decay Naked Palette.

30 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Take a break because make up is tiring. Walk around the house. Pick at whatever food I didn’t finish from earlier. Pour myself more wine. Decide it’s too late to cancel now. Consider canceling, again. No, I’m going, I have to go.

15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Look at my phone and see that I’m supposed to be at my destination in 5 minutes. Apply mascara and curl my eyelashes.

10 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on the outfit I decided on earlier.

5 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on a different outfit.

1 Minute Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes.

30 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Text friends that I’m on the road.

5 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes and tease my hair.

1 Second Prior to Leaving the House: Look longingly at the couch.

As you can see, there’s so much more to getting ready for a night out than most men realize.

313625_2124322667899_111874875_n Cheers, haters! Nobody looks this good in their New Balances!

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10 Signs You Might Be in Your 20’s

Clueless

  1. You idealize the 90’s. It’s probably pretty similar to the way your parents talk about The Beatles and Free Love, except we seem pretty fixated on Pogs and Clueless. Maybe not as influential on the world in the grand scheme, but who doesn’t love a slap bracelet?socalledlife_3981
  2. You think having a quarter life crisis is a real thing. Only 80’s/90’s babies would find a way to extend the teen angst period.
  3. This week you have tweeted just as passionately about gun violence as you have about Instagram’s terms of use agreementScreen shot 2012-12-21 at 3.59.44 PM
  4. Then you forgot about both of those things a day later and just started tweeting Mean Girls/apocalypse crossover jokes. (I’m just saying we could stand to work on our priorities and attention spans. Use your bogus Adderall prescription to make a positive contribution to the world).
  5. You have a bogus Adderall prescription. slide_235654_1161467_free
  6. You need to calm down about Ryan Gosling.
  7. And cats.
  8. And Ron Swanson.
  9. You can barely pay rent but you somehow find the money for organic shampoo.
  10. You’ve written a list essay or shared a list essay about having a quarter life crisis or how great the 90’s were.

This list is not meant to belittle anyone in their 20’s, as I am a 24 year-old who has seriously considered self-publishing a book of essays called #MyPostGradLife about my quarter life crisis.

Style Inspiration: TGIF

After yesterday’s walk down Memory Lane with Devon Sawa, I’ve been getting nostalgic for the 90’s. I would say 75% of the music I own is 90’s college radio stuff (I’ve seen Third Eye Blind twice, and I can tell the difference between songs by Deep Blue Something, The Gin Blossoms, and Better than Ezra, which is an accomplishment since all of their songs sound exactly the same), you know I love me some Clintons, and my heart swells with pride for Mayim Bialik since she became a series regular on The Big Bang Theory because Blossom deserves all the happiness and success in the world.

Before you say anything, I know that Blossom wasn't on TGIF.

I would say I’m very well versed in 90’s TV, which is one of many reasons why I’m such a good Stump! Trivia teammate. TGIF was a passion of mine, and it was particularly influential on my early fashion and hairstyle choices, which is unfortunate.

One of my favorite shows was Clueless.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

So many teddy bear back packs. And marabou. And completely monochromatic outfits made of pleather. Those were the days, my friends.

Another show that appreciated a nice marabou collar was Two of a Kind. It was only on for one season, but oh, what an impact it made on my life.

Look at that funky 90’s hair! I love funky 90’s hair! (Speaking of funky, a little fashion anecdote about myself: I straight up used to wear bindi to school in the 5th grade. Like, No Doubt, Gwen Stefani bindi on my forehead. I know there’s a picture of me with it on the playground somewhere–I’ll try to find it for your viewing pleasure. I think I’m fake kissing a tree in it, so you can thank me for starting the duck/kissy face trend).

I would say another great fashion-y show would be Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but as Melissa Joan Hart sitcoms go, Clarissa Explains it All is far superior.

Justin Timberlake can thank Clarissa for his glasses.

Blossom, will you dance us out?

Spice Girls: My Fashion Influence

I was doing some cleaning in my room and found a binder I had around the third grade when I wanted to be a fashion designer. There’s several pages of work, but these three drawings were easily the most impressive of the bunch, what with the construction paper and all. What I find most interesting about this (because I won’t pretend to assume that any of you find these pictures interesting) is that it’s so obvious these were made in the 90’s, and I can tell you exactly what I was influenced by when I drew them.

I really put some time into this one- just look at those fireworks! I just want to point out that those shoes (that have toes inside them, but no foot or body attached to said toes) are jellies. For some reason I think Kirsten Dunst was my influence for this one- I think I had just seen the movie Dick. 

Okay, first of all, that hat is supposed to be pleather. Secondly, that shirt is influenced by the shirt the girl wears in the video for the song “Lovefool.” If you were curious, the “W” on those shoes stands for “Whatever.”
This outfit has to be my favorite. The shoes are all sorts of Spice Girls. Do you remember the Spice Girl days? Everyone had some version of platform shoes, and the girls with the highest platforms were the coolest (and according to your mom, had the most neglectful parents. Smaller the platform, better the parent). Now may I direct your attention to the trim on every available seam- this is marabou! If you can remember, Mary Kate and Ashley (on Two of a Kind) always had the fly-est marabou trimmed everything! Also, marabou was all over Clueless the TV show (the movie had decidedly less marabou). Someday I hope to be rich enough to get this entire outfit made.

Hot Coffee


Now if Cher from Clueless has taught us anything (more like what lessons HAVEN’T we learned from her???) it’s that a lady must work on both mind and body to be the full package, so let’s do that. Cher and Tai read books weekly, but we don’t have to go crazy the first time out, we can ease into it with a nice documentary. I just watched Hot Coffee on HBO!

Basically, it’s all about the rights of a citizen when they sue big corporations or doctors, the army, etc. It scored an A from Entertainment Weekly, and it’s both interesting and totally depressing! I learned a lot- I’m smarter already.

What things have you been reading/watching lately that makes you feel smarter and thus better than everyone?