Feminist Approved “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

This is a rewrite of how the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” should go. Please share and subscribe!

First Video Blog

I already regret putting this up, but if everyone else and their mother can have a video blog where they just talk about themselves, so can I.

You should probably just watch this now, because I’m sure I’ll analyze this video until I’m embarrassed enough to take it down in 3 days. I also teach you how to make a booze necklace for a fun Christmas present. Cuz what says the birth of Christ like a neck full of vodka? I mean, I can think of a lot of things that would come before liquor necklace, but it’s on the list somewhere.

I can already tell you my mom is going to be annoyed at how much I touched my hair in the beginning.

Yes, I’m sitting in my Oprah approved meditation chair.

Yes, that’s a hula hoop behind my meditation chair.

Holiday Gift DIY

So I know yesterday I said that I was going to post my very own DIY video, and let me just start off by saying I tried to make that happen. I spent two days trying to film it with just myself, a tripod, and a flip cam (which is ideal for amateur pornography, but not when you’re trying to make something of quality), and that was just way harder than I anticipated. Finally, I finished, and it was… ok…. I tried to edit it, and I realize that lots of people are overly critical when they watch themselves on tape, but you should know I relish watching myself on film, so I don’t think it was me being too harsh.

After spending a couple hours trying to edit it, I was almost done, I was just going to add some music, and then iMovie quit and my whole project was lost. At that point I just figured that the holy ghost hit the ESC key in a valiant effort to save me from myself and from defiling his holiday with my Christmas video. My dad is a computer guy and could probably save the whole thing, but I’d rather just accept this as a sign that I will never be a DIY thrifty hipster blogger.

I did promise you a DIY, though, so here’s one from someone who knows what they’re doing and looks like she could play Roma Downey’s protegé on Touched By an Angel (I’m embarrassed by how easily I accessed the name ‘Roma Downey’ from my brain).

This is Mr. Kate and #8 of her 12 DIYS of Chrismahanakwanzasolstice:

 

Tommy and the Norway Butter Crisis

This is Tommy. He’s a ‘singer, celebrities, and bloggers’ from Norway, and he has something to say to American comedians. Apparently, there is a severe butter shortage in Norway, and some of our own comics are making jokes about the Norwegian’s misfortune.

Tommy, let me be the first comedian* to apologize to you. Though I’ve never been paid to do comedy, so I’m technically not professional, and can really only call myself a comedian because I think it in my head… I must speak for everyone and say how sorry I am for how insensitive the US has been.

Our Norwegian friend makes a great point in this video. We make light of the Norwegians’ situation, but Americans are, as he says, very fat. I’m not looking to make anyone feel bad or anything, but these are just facts. We would really miss butter if suddenly it wasn’t available. I’m not fat (I’m not trying to brag or anything, but medically and stuff… I’m not fat) but I love to use bread as a vehicle to transport butter into my face-hole. I would feel a great void if it were gone.

Besides just bread and butter, think of how many recipes call for butter. Norway’s traditional Christmas cake is a butter cake. What are they supposed to do now?! And vegans, don’t you dare tell me they should use some vegan butter substitue. Get out of here, vegans! Get out!

Look, America. Have you ever seen pain like that? Tommy and his country are hurting. Don’t make fun of them. It’s just not right.

If you do make fun of Norway, I hope Tommy goes to your house and eats all your butter while your family watches. Then goes to your neighbor’s house and eats their butter. You totally deserve it.

Although, I will say, it’s kind of easy to make butter. Like, you can just buy some cream and whip it with some salt…

Irrelevant. Tommy, thank you for your bravery in speaking out.

*I’m a comedian, not a comedienne. Just like I’m an actor not and actress. You don’t call a female doctor a doctress, do you? Sorry, I’ll chill out.

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Check in tomorrow for a DIY holiday gift video that I’ll be posting.

In the meantime, subscribe to my blog for email updates or follow me on twitter!

Gift Ideas for Poor People

If you’re anything like me, you’re poor. The holidays are a really hard time for poor people. Suddenly you’re expected to spend money that doesn’t exist. On other people, no less. Or maybe you have just enough money to buy gifts for your family, but you have friends you know are getting you something, so now you have to get them something (which is the true spirit of the holiday season). Or maybe you had plenty of money but you spent it on yourself.

One thing working in your impoverished favor, is that during the holidays, no one can fault you for a bad gift if it appears that you put thought into it. That is our goal here today: gifts with feigned thought put into them. Gift baskets are great for this purpose.

Now, I know when you think gift basket you’re thinking fancy pears and Boursin cheese, but it doesn’t have to be that way. The beauty of a gift basket is you can make it as expensive or inexpensive as you want, and the fact that you gathered things in a basket gives off the illusion that you put a lot of thought into your gift.

The most important aspect and step one of these gifts is the basket. Look around your basement. If you really are an American, there’s a cheap basket from a yard sale somewhere in your house. If somehow you don’t have a basket, it’s past yard sale season and you’re going to have to buy one. Try a craft store.

So with that, gift basket ideas for those of all varying poverty levels:

1. Movie Night Basket

For the super poor: Look around your house for an old DVD still in its cellophane (this actually points to a greater lesson: always keep your DVDs in cellophane until you’re ready to use- you never know when you can use Legally Blonde 2 for a last minute gift. You won’t miss it). Steal 2 cans of soda, candy, and popcorn from around your house.

For the poor: Go to Walmart and look through the big bin of $5 DVDs. Bonus if you can find something fun like Spice World, but you’ll probably just end up with White Chicks. Look for random candy around your house, maybe buy a box of Goobers. Get two cans of diet coke from the super market vending machine, buy a couple of rum nips, and a box of popcorn.

For the barely employed: Movie passes or a season of something like Breaking Bad. Buy a 6 pack of glass Coke bottles (put two in the basket and keep the rest for yourself), rum nips, assorted boxes of movie candy, a box of popcorn, and those little popcorn flavor shakers. Instead of a basket a cute idea is also getting one of the buckets of popcorn you can get at Blockbuster… if you can find a Blockbuster.

2. Fiesta Basket

For the super poor: Hopefully you have an unopened bottle of tequila or some nips around. If not, you probably wont’t get out of this cheap. If you do, then take a lime from the fridge, steal a bunch of salt packets from McDonald’s, get a bag of tortilla chips and call it a day.

For the poor: Get like, 5 nips of various tequila brands (pass it off as a tequila tasting. I think that sounds pretty legit), buy chips, salsa, and then go to the dollar store and buy some maracas.

For the barely employed: You can get a bottle of Chi-Chi’s light margaritas for 7.99 (don’t spring for some brand name Skinnygirl. You’re not made of money). Get a taco making kit at the super market (they probably have that, right?), and then obviously the maracas so they have something to do after they finish the Chi-Chi’s.

3. Wine Basket

For the super poor: Your options include 3 Buck Chuck or regifting a bottle if you can. Don’t worry, there is no shame in 3 Buck Chuck. It’s still alcohol. Again, steal what you can from the house. Maybe put crackers and cheese on your parent’s grocery list for “yourself.” We must be resourceful in these trying economic times.

For the poor: Do what you can with the bottle of wine. Then head to CVS and get some jerky, a bag of Hershey’s kisses, some generic crackers, and cheese.

For the barely employed: Wine. Then try the Christmas Tree Shop if that is an option for you geographically (and God help you if it isn’t), and look for some festive wine glasses, which usually only go for $1.99, but really up the overall production value of the basket. Then assemble any other wine-y things we’ve discussed based on how much money you have left.

As you can see, there’s a basket for every price range. Only your own creativity can limit you now. Now go forth and spread cheer like you were always meant to do.

Monster High Dolls, or The Down Fall of Mankind

Whitney Houston and I agree on 2 things: the children are our future, and crack is delicious.

You got me on the crack! I do not know if crack is delicious. I do know that crack is -in fact- whack. But Whitney and I are still on the same page about minors, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but our future is looking a little promiscuous. A tit-tle promiscuous, if you will.

How do I know this? I have eyes and a brain that is not only functioning, but arguably pretty rational at most times (except those times when I’m facebook stalking you and your new girlfriend for a full hour. Two hours.) and that’s all I need to see that things have changed since I was a wide-eyed innocent.

I hit up my local Toys R’ Us recently to buy a toy for a little girl- now, this girl (age 6) asked for a Monster High Doll for Chrismahanuwanza, and I, being out of touch with children’s recreational equipment trends, did not know what a “Monster High Doll” was.

Apparently strumpets with a great weave are really popular this holiday season:

This is Monster High student Clawdeen Wolf. Her hobbies include “waxing, shaving, and plucking” and “flirting with boys!” She is also supposed to be 15. 15!

Now, before I blow a gasket, let’s take a look at a popular doll of the 90’s…

The Babysitter’s Club dolls. Some of their favorite hobbies are dressing age appropriately and killing it as small business owners. I’m not saying my generation of young women who grew up playing with dolls like this are perfect, but I have a feeling we’re better off than the kids who are playing with a doll that wears thigh high socks.

So, I thought about getting this little girl a different doll, but the problem was they all just looked like variations on Pussycat…Dolls. I mean, the Bratz dolls as we all know were the original hookers, but all the other dolls were dressed like that, too! The best thing I could find was this Jackie Evancho doll:

But, like, c’mon. I’m not so high and mighty that I’m going to ruin this kid’s Christmas. It might be at Toys R’ Us, but it is obviously targeted towards the middle-aged gay or female doll collector demographic.

So, the only option I had left was to get the least offensive doll I could find.

Of the ones left on the shelves, this one had the most clothes on and at least wrote in a journal, which is promising.

So these Monster High Dolls are really popular right now, but I can’t imagine that teaching pre-pubescent 6 year-olds that they should be waxing their legs to attract men is a good lesson. OR, that at 15 it is acceptable to wear a belly shirt and tutu (which, let’s be real, is not an acceptable fashion choice at any age) or that you should dress that way to go to school because school is really just a means to meet guys, not learn.

I hate to get all soapy boxy on you (and now for using the phrase ‘get all soap boxy on you’), but this just does not bode well for our future. I’m not asking Mattel to start turning out Genderless City Council Representative Barbie or anything, but at least give parents more of an equal opportunity to find toys that won’t prime their daughters to be part of the future cast of Teen Mom 32. Though I do think a Teen Mom Barbie would be kind of funny. In a strictly novelty-item-from-Spencer’s-Gifts kind of way.

The 12 Days of Courtney Stodden

If you’ve read my blog before, you might be aware of my obsession over saving a one Miss Courtney Stodden, child bride to Doug Hutchison.


Yup, there’s our girl!

I’m an avid follower of her twitter, and in my efforts to convert her into a one-woman army of self respect, I even tweeted her some sage advice. Not a few hours later did she tweet something that included such words as ‘slippery’ and ‘meow.’ So clearly I have been IGNORED!

Despite this obvious slap in the face, I can’t help but get into the Christmas spirit as I continue to follow her. Since the end of November she almost exclusively tweets about Christmas- she is a devout Christian, so I get that this is a big time of year for her. I thought it unfair to keep the holiday cheer from the rest of the world, so I decided to compile them all here for you.

The Twelve Tweets of Courtney Stodden’s Seductively Slippery Santa-stic Christmas:

1. Flirty spirit? Are you trying to tell us that you’re one of the 3 ghosts from A Christmas Carol? Which is it, Courtney? Are you 17 or a literary ghost? I’m starting to get suspicious.

 2. I don’t know anything about the Naughty List, but I will say that your artisan candy tasting will get Santa on the sex offenders registry. Find an age appropriate boyfriend!

3. Rds? Reds, maybe? Not sure. Happy to see that she’s trying to use the ever elusive semi-colon, though.

4. Courtney! If you call yourself a ho-ho-ho is just makes guys think it’s okay to call you that!

5.  This one isn’t so bad, right? She’ll be leaving him milk with his cookies. Just some good, ole’ fashion 2%.

6. I’m not really sure if anyone fully explained to this girl who Santa is. You don’t have the sleigh, Santa does! She’ll get it eventually.

Wait a second. I just understood what she meant by ‘slippery sleigh.’ Ew! Geez, Courtney! It’s Jesus’s birthday for Christsake!

 7. This sounds like the description of a limited edition scent from Yankee Candle.

 8. THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!!!

9. Of all the people in her home town who are probably embarrassed by her, I’m sure at least her third grade teacher is proud. Courtney never forgot that lesson in alliteration. Teachers just touch lives, bottom line.

10. So the way I understand it, the yarmulke is to the Jews as the Christmas cat-suit is to the Christians?

11. I’m just too tired.

And #12…. Because lest we forget what Christmas is really about: The Baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas to All.

My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you like that blog post title? That’s my clever ploy to get the traffic from all the people googling the lyrics to that song. Sorry, you won’t find them here! But please, read on despite my trickery.

To the real information: I think one of the most depressing things in life besides like, dying, is the time spent celebrating holidays right after you grow up but before you have little kids. During this time, the magic is all gone from the holiday until you have kids of your own and can experience the holiday through their eyes (but no pressure to have kids and stuff. This is not a blog that feeds into social conventions, no sir. Live your life, okay?)

Sure, there’s some new, fun things about the holidays when you’re young and fabulous- sparkly red dresses and the excuse to get tanked like, every day between Thanksgiving up until New Years, but I don’t think it matches the happiness of being a kid and getting presents from your gift list.

When I was a kid I remember getting so pumped when the new JCPenny toy catalogue would come in the mail, and I’d chill out in the bathroom for like, an hour and read it. Getting a ton of frivilous presents was expected. It was okay for me to make lists, actual lists of things I didn’t need. Last year I think I got some Crest Whitestrips… like, I asked for them, but still how depressing that this is what my life has come to?

Anyway, this year I’m going to make a list with no real expectation of getting anything, but I figure it’s like a little vision board? I’m attracting presents into my life! Here’s some things I want (it is important to note that I will accept these gifts from anyone, hint hint Northern New Hampshire Male Correctional Facility 😉 ).


{Hunter Rain Boots, $125. I feel like these are an investment- I had to throw out my cheapish J.Crew ones because they started to leak. Ya know, rain boots have ONE job to do. Not to look cute, just to keep water out and it’s crazy how few of them actually accomplish that.}

{Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray, $39.99. It’s kind of expensive for hair product, but I read in Allure once that Mary Kate and/or Ashley used this at a shoot and told the stylist they were “stealing it,” so I’m all in.}

{Momofuku Milk Bar Cookbook $20 on Amazon. Momofuku is a trendy-pants bakery in NYC where they sell things like cereal milk ice cream or something and chocolate chip cookies with pretzels in them. This book teaches you how to make all that and more, including something called ‘crack pie,’ so I need to know what that’s all about.}

{Fancy Coat. This one is from Piperlime.com for $109. I need this mostly because I bought this fabulous/ridiculous faux fur hat that I can’t wear with a North Face. Also, apparently huge parkas aren’t appropriate to wear for every single occasion, like weddings, funerals or clubs.}

{Limited Edition Urban Decay Book of Shadows Gift Set, $64. I will also happily take any of the cheaper gift sets, this one just comes with a portable speaker… which I’m not sure that I need or can use (I don’t have an iPod, and my iPhone speakers are nice and loud) but I want it anyway!!!}

This is just a working list, of course. I probably want more stuff.