Stars, They’re Just Like Us! Stupid!

How did you let this happen, Katy Perry?

It is so troubling to me that a woman who looks like Zooey Deschanel but with bigger boobs and millions of dollars isn’t immune to the charms of a troll like John Mayer (and also that she wears flats and carries her heels until reaching her destination like a COMMONER with mortal feet). I find John Mayer repulsive, and the original mascot of crazy, dramatic male artists (or as I like to call them “handfuls”) that are emotional murderers of woman. And now, surprise, surprise… he has broken the Alabaster  Princess’s heart.

I can’t even feel bad for her– we all told you, Katy Perry! We warned you that he was bad news and we didn’t do it ‘cuz we’re jealous!

Katy, did you think that Jennifer Aniston was making all this stuff up? I get that maybe you weren’t sold on Taylor Swift’s opinion or God forbid, anything coming out of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s candy lips and bubble gum tongue, but it’s Rachel Green we’re talking about here!

All of America was telling you this dude was bad news, and you wouldn’t listen. We were just trying to protect you, one gal to another. Next time I hope you heed our advice. Maybe consider dating a nice lawyer or something. Or just a guy with short hair. I think that might help a lot.

Now let’s kiss and forget about this whole thing.

Oh, you’re not into that anymore? Totally, sure, nevermind!


Victoria’s Secret Tan Enhancing Shimmer Lotion

Denise Richards on Watch What Happens Live

2011 was truly Denise Richards’ year. Nothing could be better for your career (other than an actual job in said career) than having an ex-husband fall into some drug-fueled crazy spiral, while you stand by tending to your young children with grace and nobility. We saw two examples of how an ex-wife with two of your children can react to their former love taking in two stray porn stars…and let’s just say someone is going to end up with two damaged, drug addled and/or promiscuous teenagers on their hands while the other… is probably going to end up with two slightly less damaged, drug addled and/or promiscuous teenagers. I’m just guessing that the ex-wife (Brooke Mueller) who is in rehab right now (soooo that leaves her kids to be in the care of…. Charlie?) and insists on doing ill-fated reality shows with Paris Hilton is going to have crazier offspring, than our Audrey Hepburn of Playboy, Denise.

Denise Richards’ legs also had a really great year. If I were Paula Deen, and I was in Crayola crayon naming business… and Denise’s legs were drawing implements, I would name her legs “Bronze Butter.” (Wow, sorry about that. Grasping at straws).

Denise mentioned on Watch What Happens Live that she uses a body bronzing/concealing lotion called RCK, which is $40.

Now, my legs hardly see the light outside a pair of Old Navy yoga pants, so I can’t rationalize this purchase regardless of the results. However, I found Victoria’s Secret Tan enhancing Shimmer Lotion last year, and for only $12, it’s totally worth the purchase.

It really makes a difference- your body gets a nice glow, and it evens out the tone of your skin. I’d be curious to see if there is even a big difference between the two products… so RCK, if you’d like to send me a free bottle, I think I could carve out some time to do a blind test for you to post here. On my very, very prestigious and influential blog.

Great Equalizers

It’s true that super models are just more gifted genetically than any of us ever could be. Boob job or not, most of us could never look like that, which is fine ‘cuz… inner beauty and stuff….. but there is one thing that evens the playing field. An equalizer of sorts: super models trying to dance! (This also works for Taylor Swift). Sure they have those long beautiful limbs and their thighs don’t touch, but appendages that long are difficult to maneuver.

Another equalizer: celebrity hands. The most expensive thing you can do for them is a a paraffin wax treatment, and any poor person can melt down a candle and get the same effect. Other than that, there’s nothing you can do… not even you, Megan Fox.

I like to think of her clubbed thumb as a little wink from God to the rest of us.

Or Zooey Deschanel’s hands. They’re perfectly fine, but nothing remarkable. Just the hands of an every day human, maybe they’re the hands of your cousin from Maryland.

But in actuality, they belong to this baby angel,

Womp, womp.

The 12 Days of Courtney Stodden

If you’ve read my blog before, you might be aware of my obsession over saving a one Miss Courtney Stodden, child bride to Doug Hutchison.

Yup, there’s our girl!

I’m an avid follower of her twitter, and in my efforts to convert her into a one-woman army of self respect, I even tweeted her some sage advice. Not a few hours later did she tweet something that included such words as ‘slippery’ and ‘meow.’ So clearly I have been IGNORED!

Despite this obvious slap in the face, I can’t help but get into the Christmas spirit as I continue to follow her. Since the end of November she almost exclusively tweets about Christmas- she is a devout Christian, so I get that this is a big time of year for her. I thought it unfair to keep the holiday cheer from the rest of the world, so I decided to compile them all here for you.

The Twelve Tweets of Courtney Stodden’s Seductively Slippery Santa-stic Christmas:

1. Flirty spirit? Are you trying to tell us that you’re one of the 3 ghosts from A Christmas Carol? Which is it, Courtney? Are you 17 or a literary ghost? I’m starting to get suspicious.

 2. I don’t know anything about the Naughty List, but I will say that your artisan candy tasting will get Santa on the sex offenders registry. Find an age appropriate boyfriend!

3. Rds? Reds, maybe? Not sure. Happy to see that she’s trying to use the ever elusive semi-colon, though.

4. Courtney! If you call yourself a ho-ho-ho is just makes guys think it’s okay to call you that!

5.  This one isn’t so bad, right? She’ll be leaving him milk with his cookies. Just some good, ole’ fashion 2%.

6. I’m not really sure if anyone fully explained to this girl who Santa is. You don’t have the sleigh, Santa does! She’ll get it eventually.

Wait a second. I just understood what she meant by ‘slippery sleigh.’ Ew! Geez, Courtney! It’s Jesus’s birthday for Christsake!

 7. This sounds like the description of a limited edition scent from Yankee Candle.


9. Of all the people in her home town who are probably embarrassed by her, I’m sure at least her third grade teacher is proud. Courtney never forgot that lesson in alliteration. Teachers just touch lives, bottom line.

10. So the way I understand it, the yarmulke is to the Jews as the Christmas cat-suit is to the Christians?

11. I’m just too tired.

And #12…. Because lest we forget what Christmas is really about: The Baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas to All.

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Consider this a sequel or companion piece to my recent post “I Want to Save the Reality Stars.”

Dear Lindsay,

Your addiction has affected me in the following ways:

I have stood by you for the last 5-7 years. Through your ups and downs I have defended you, and I feel like I have been made a fool. I have trusted you, and you have betrayed me.

You have stolen from me, and I’m sure you used that cash to go party. Did you know that I saw I Know Who Killed Me on opening day at 11am? I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t you who robbed me of my $7, and I deluded myself into thinking that the movie would one day catch on and become a cult hit… But I know… deep down… that the symbolism was much too heavy-handed and you did not, in fact, know who killed you.

I gave you another chance with Georgia Rule, and again you let me down. I tried to push you away and didn’t see Labor Pains, but I never stopped caring.

When you went to rehab and jail and rehab and jail, every time I was so hopeful that this time you would let out the inner Robert Downey Jr. that I knew was there, and make your own Iron Man. Everything would be okay again.

But then I saw this picture of you.

Lindsay, what am I supposed to think with those teeth? That is meth mouth and don’t try to convince me otherwise! And now you’re going to be posing full frontal in Playboy? If you don’t care about what I think, fine. But what about Tina?

Tina Fey gave you your career. She gave you the only legitimately good movie you’ve ever made since Parent Trap. I’m sure she’s already washed her hands of you, but how can you look at yourself and your janky teeth in the mirror every day knowing how you disapointed her?

This is so hard for me to say, Lindsay, but I just can’t do it anymore. For my own sake, I have to stop ennabling you. Just know that if you truly make a change and get help, I will be there waiting for you with open arms, and I pray that you can help yourself before you die or all your teeth fall out.

Know that it is never too late to make a change. And you look much better as a red head.