Should We Be More Worried About Quvenzhane Wallis?

I think I’m doing enough worrying for all of us, but what will become of Q. Wallis and her puppy purse?

Ok, apparently this dog purse is a thing. She has a different one for every event. All is already lost, see ya later.

 

Wait, though.

What was in that purse, anyway? A Lip Smackers chapstick and a baggy full of dry Cheerios? Could her mother not hold on to that, or was her purse too full of her daughter’s money that she’ll hold on to until she’s 18 or legally emancipated, which ever comes first?

I apologize for all the questions, but I don’t think any of us, including that child’s mother, are looking out for this girl.

We’re all realistic about Honey Boo Boo and where that is headed, but just because Q isn’t swilling Go-Go Juice and snorting pixie sticks at her mother’s behest, that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to end up the same way (being exploited by Dr. Drew).

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Have we all just forgotten Tatum O’Neal? She’s not just that awful lady who shoe-shames Carrie on that one episode of Sex and the City. She’s Tatum O’Neal, 10 year old Oscar winner for Paper Moon. By 12, she was with Melanie Griffith having hash fueled orgies in Paris. That’s a pretty quick turn around. Grant it, I’m pretty sure since Drew Barrymore left rehab you’re not allowed to give 10 year olds cocaine and a Manhattan for a job well done at the Spy Kids wrap party, but I still don’t trust Q Wallis around those Hollywood vultures.

Even if she never touched a bottle of Go-Go Juice her entire life, I still don’t have high hopes for her as an adult. You can’t nominate a 9 year old for an Oscar and not expect her to be the kind of person who throws Quinoa salad at her assistant because she forgot to ask for chickpeas on the side. By 9, you’re beginning to enter your character building years where you develop a sense of humor or other pleasing personality traits that distract from how crooked your teeth are. Q has an Oscar nomination. That’s her compensatory personality trait. She can basically just stop developing and maturing as a human being right now. She probably has already dropped those “please” and “thank you’s” from her vocabulary all together. She can just say “HUNGRY” and bang her Austin Film Critics Association Award on the table until some PA magically appears with a Happy Meal. Someone should have told her that making muscle arms when they say your name at the Oscars is unseemly and doesn’t display a lot of humility. Instead, Giuliana Rancic goes on and on about how adorable it was sealing her fate as a future high maintenance, disagreeable grown-up child actor.

Maybe I’m worrying for nothing. Or maybe Elle Fanning is offering Q her first frozen pina colada at The Rainforest Cafe while we sit idly by thinking nothing’s wrong.

The Parent Trap: Featuring Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell

Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell look like they’re playing the fraternal twins in a community theater production of Twelfth Night.

12thnightOn second thought, I’m pretty sure these two were born from the same sun burnt uterus behind a Jacksonville Hooters. Separated at birth, they reconnected at the Food Network when their eyes met across the toilet seat as they snorted cocaine and Philly cheese steaks.

Third thought, that picture is really just a composite of Nancy Grace’s twins using age progression software.

Remember When You Were into Musical Theater in High School?

Aside

Screen shot 2013-02-23 at 4.36.41 PM springfunI stand by this.

(If you listened to “Gasolina” on the party bus to prom with your soft ball teammates, don’t be concerned that this side-by-side means nothing to you).

My Advice to LiLo After Moving Back With Her Mom

Lindsay, let me first preface this post by saying that as I write this, I am sitting in my childhood bedroom.

photoThis is what I’m working with right now.

I know this looks bad. And sure, I’m making myself low-calorie margaritas at my desk for dinner, and I don’t know if that qualifies me for an eating disorder or a drinking problem. And yes, I’m spending my Thursday night in New Hampshire writing in a blog that I don’t get paid for. The “I” on my keyboard is so worn out that I have to warm it up before I start  writing (I’m serous… seriiious), and I’m starting to think that when your “I” key is over-used it points to a Real Housewives level of narcism. And yet, I continue to write in this blog that nobody pays me for because there isn’t much left to do.

So, with that kind of full discloser, it may not seem like I’ve got it together enough to give you advice, but I’ve never done meth before, and like, no offense, I kinda think you have, so maybe I have some wisdom to impart. Besides the meth, I’ve also been living with my parents for about a year and a half after college, so maybe you can learn something now that you’ve moved back into your Long Island pre-Parent Trap home. 

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Okay, so first, you probably feel really bad about yourself. You should. I’m not trying to be mean, but I think you need to take some responsibility for screwing up your life. You were a child star, and that definitely sets you up for some problems. Your mother was a failed show girl or something and your dad was a money-hungry coke fiend, and that’s just the perfect storm to create a… well, a you… Basically, you are the new industry standard for a screwed-up child star. No one remembers Dana Plato, anymore. It’s all you.

You’ve kind of hit rock bottom, so let this be a time of reflection. Reflect on what you’ve done wrong, and what you can do in the future to be better. Make a game plan. Take an acting class. We all saw Liz and Dick, and I’ll grant you, you had your moments, but you could use a brush-up. Take this opportunity to chill and get back to basics. Don’t worry too much about what your peers are doing. I know you must hate Jennifer Lawrence so, so much right now, but just worry about yourself and what you can do to come back swinging. There’s no shame in moving home, we’ve all been doing it. Lena Dunham did it. It’s the thing, it’s chic! This is a bad economy, and snorting your entire fortune up your nose happens to everyone. I say “everyone” with the assumption that everyone is Stevie Nicks. And look how well she turned out!!

Just remember, if Robert Downey Jr. can make a come back, so can you. He professed his friendship for Mel Gibson with a weird kiss during the Golden Globes in a room full of Jews. He cannot possibly be smarter than you.

Just know that I believe in you, Lindsay.

5 Things We Can Learn From: Bethenny Frankel

I’ve been a fan of Bethenny Frankel’s since the beginning of Real Housewives of New York City. She was easily my favorite Housewife because unlike the others, she hit that sweet spot of self-awareness for a reality star: just enough where she could have a sense of humor about herself and the show, but not enough where she was above acting like a lunatic at a Creaky Joints charity event.

I think Bethenny lost me sometime during Bethenny Ever After when she started crying in her closet next to Cookie and Ziplock bags of lingerie. Now that she’s getting a divorce from Jason Hoppy, I can only imagine what kind of mess her show would be if she did another season. Not that I wouldn’t have a DVR season pass for Bethenny Getting Her Groove Back With the Help of Hoda Kotb. I would enjoy it for what it would be: an hour long Skinnygirl QVC show with interspersing segments of Bethenny slirping oysters talking about how great casual sex is after 40, while Hoda giggles in embarrassed approval.

"Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!"

“Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!”

Yet, despite the wreck she is, I still think there’s a lot we can learn from Bethenny:

1. You won’t meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with at a club, which is how Bethenny and Jason met. If you do meet a hot, single, 40 year-old man while strutting past his bottle service table, it doesn’t mean your vision board is finally working. You’ve just found A 40 YEAR-OLD MAN STILL GETTING BOTTLE SERVICE.

1356295864_bethenny-frankel-main2. If you meet a 40 year-old man at a club and his first words to you are, “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” don’t marry that man! He’s probably going to have issues with non-traditional gender roles!!! I would also argue that if you met a man while you were both volunteering at a children’s hospital, and “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” was the first thing he said to you, it still wouldn’t be a great idea to marry him. He sounds very rude.

3. Crying in a bathroom during your birthday party because you “don’t want all the attention” while you’re miked up for your reality show makes you appear insane. 

bethenny-ever-after-finale-video-bryn4. If you insist on doing the above, do not write a self-help book about overcoming your screwed up childhood. If you’re 40 and still crying in bathrooms at your birthday party, maybe it’s time to let go of the idea that you’re ever going to “overcome” your childhood. Just be proud that you never went through a meth phase in your 20’s.

5. Karma is real, and she will cut you. Look, I love a nice watered down margarita with half the calories and alcohol, and I thank Bethenny for that. However, you can’t be telling ladies they should fill up on salad before Christmas dinner and think you’re going to get away with it. On her show, Bethenny self-righteously scooped out the meat of a few too many bagels for her not to be stricken with a divorce that she would have to eat her way through like a normal woman.

Instagram Caption: "This is my life right now"

Instagram Caption: “This is my life right now”

Bethenny, you did this to yourself. Don’t you tell me you only had a bite of each and threw out the rest. Just let it go.

Oscar Predictions From Someone Who Has Only Seen “Argo”

Performance by an actor in a leading role:
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook 
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight

bradley-cooper-sexiest-man-alive

I hope Bradley wins because I still feel bad for him that everyone got so mad that he was People’s Sexiest Man of the Year instead of Ryan Gosling in 2011. Do I think it was an oversight on People’s part? Sure. Is that Bradley’s fault? Absolutely not. Probably ugly people were complaining all over Twitter saying Bradley wasn’t sexy enough, which I think is just rude and untrue. Who amongst us non-famous cretins would kick him out of bed for eating crackers? I can’t even say with certainty that I’d kick him out of bed for pooping in it. He is that sexy. Oscar for Bradley!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:
Alan Arkin, Argo
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook 
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master 
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

I haven’t even seen the trailer for The Master, but I loved Philip Seymour Hoffman in Pirate Radio. 

Performance by an actress in a leading role:
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts, The Impossible

Zero-dark-thirtyI pick Jessica because she has red hair and because it looks like her character is like a Carrie Mathison with better common sense decision making skills.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:
Amy Adams, The Master
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook

I chose Jacki Weaver by process of elimination because I don’t actually have any idea who she is, and I have no time to Google such nonsense. “No” to Sally Field because it freaks me out that she has always looked exactly the same since she was on Gidget. This is not a compliment to how well she is aging, but an insult to her former self that she has always looked like a 60 year-old woman without wrinkles. “No” to Amy Adams because I think her strawberry blonde hair is very non-committal. “No” to Helen Hunt because I don’t like that her and Paul Reiser divorced at the end of Mad About You. A “No” to Anne Hathaway because her acceptance speeches are like the open auditions week on American Idol where I have to constantly look down at my phone and say “Ahhhh, I can’t take it” over and over until it stops. So, congrats, Jacki.

Best animated feature film of the year:
Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman, Brave 
Tim Burton, Frankenweenie
Sam Fell and Chris Butler, ParaNorman
Peter Lord, The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Rich Moore, Wreck-It Ralph

Brave for the red head girl and because I think Tim Burton gets away with too much.

Achievement in directing:
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook

ARGO

Nobody. Ben Affleck 4ever!

Best documentary feature:
5 Broken Cameras
The Gatekeepers
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for Sugar Man

Searching for Sugar Man because it’s about one of Honey Boo Boo’s family members, right? Sounds fun.

Best motion picture of the year: 
Amour
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Ar-go Fuck Yourself! Right?! I chose this as best picture because 1. It is the only movie I have seen of the 10, 2. Ben Affleck 4ever, 3. I liked it even though the last 15 minutes gave me so much anxiety that I started Googling on my phone “how does Argo end?”

5 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Can’t Find Love

May I take a stab at this one? I have a few ideas:

1. Taylor is sooooo tall. That eliminates an enormous amount of the male celebrity population right there. That only leaves her with guys who are okay with her being taller and guys who are actually taller…So Tom Cruise and Jason Segel. And since Jason is taken by Michelle Williams (but ultimately by me. Just get me to Hollywood and you’ll see!) that leaves her with Tom. I dunno… I think she’d make an okay scientologist. Think about it, Taylor. Jenna Elfman and the guy who played Hyde on That 70’s Show could be the god parents to your future alien children. 

2. She keeps dating these young guys. A high schooler like Conor Kennedy is probably pretty immature and not anywhere near ready to settle into a long term relationship, but this speaks to a much bigger problem for Taylor: that she is a total weirdo. What I’m about to say is sexist, and a very unpopular opinion amongst the men that I tell this to, but I know I’m right: Girls (ages 15 to 28ish) who date a guy more than 2 or 3 years younger than them are weirdos. If you think I’m wrong, then you are either a weirdo girl who dates young guys or you’re a guy who thinks he’s a stud because he dated an older lady once. You don’t have to believe me, but trust, a 28 year old woman is only dating a 23 year old guy who works at Applebees because she can’t find a 28 year old man with a stable job who is willing to date her. She’s probably going to tell you she’s on the pill, and then when she gets pregnant she’ll say that she must be one of those .01% that birth control doesn’t work for. JUS’ SAYIN’. To circle this back to Taylor, I think guys her own age and older are catching on that she’s a total weirdo.

3. She’s scaring guys off with her love songs. Taylor, I know how it is. Being the Taylor Swift of blogging (right? riiiiiiight?) I understand that it’s irresistible to write about guys, but if finding love is very important to you right now, maybe consider writing a Christmas album and let that ride for a while.

4. She falls in love with everyone. This is what 8th graders do! She needs to start writing songs about how she sort of dated a guy for a couple months but then they just kind of phased each other out, but sometimes when she’s in town they make out a little bit. They can’t all be the love of your life, Taylor! Hide your cards a little bit next time. I have a bad feeling that the “love” was all on your end in these past relationships. I’m pretty sure John Mayer is a sociopath and unable to feel love, so I think that proves my point. UGH, and get rid of that house you just bought next to Conor’s. SO WEIRD, TAYLOR.

5. SHE IS TWENTY-TWO! Good lord, US Weekly, give her a break- she has so much left to do. She hasn’t even taken a year off from working and bought her way into Harvard yet.

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively Still Believe in Love!

God Bless these two crazy kids. They still believe in love.

It’s been a tough week for love. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are splitting up. Love is DEAD.  I fear that the spirit of Amy and Will’s marriage drained from them and was reborn through Blake and Ryan, two people that are probably more insufferable, definitely more attractive, and surely less equipped to be married than Amy and Will.

The only divorce that could be more painful would be that of my own parents, but this has turned everything I know about love upside down. If Amy and Will can’t make it work, how will Blake and Ryan? How will Dara and An Unspecified Future Male???

The Amy and Will break up is so upsetting because when it comes to Blake and Ryan, I’m not betting on Love. Ryan has already proven that his judgement can’t be trusted after he married ScarJo and her husky man-voice. She looks like a very mean lady. Now Ryan has gone ahead and found another woman with a husky-man voice, who at the very least seems nicer, but it’s only a matter of time until they fall out of love and he moves on to, I don’t know, Julia Stiles and her husky man-voice.

With Amy and Will, I was not just betting on Love, I WAS ALL IN.

Was it the stress of the children that tore them apart? Was Will the problem (he was married once before, and it can’t be Amy because SHE IS FLAWLESS)? Was it the fame? We may never know until one of their relatives sells the details to TMZ.

Anyway, what can you do? It’s over for Amy and Will, but it’s only just begun for Ryan and Blake, and despite Love’s recent untimely death over the weekend, I’m still pulling for these kiddos.

Good God, I can’t even pretend like I care. Don’t bother me unless Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are starting to look shakey.