The Real Housewives of NYC Recap Episode 1

Well, it’s that time again. The gals are back! No matter what happens this season, the first episode of RHONY always feels like someone wrapping you in an electric blanket as you drift off into a Lunesta sleep.

I’ve decided to start doing a video recap of the series because I feel like it and also because it creates the illusion that I’m doing something productive for my career on a weekly basis. I’m sure the episodes will change a little as I figure out how I want to structure them and get more comfortable with the idea that my 3 other male roommates can hear me wearing a leopard fur coat while I talk about Bravo alone in the guest room.

Unpopular Opinions

I can’t stand the Olympics. It takes away my regularly scheduled television programs for two whole weeks and then no one will let me watch Bravo because the Olympics only come once every 4 years and the Housewives are replayed twice a day.

I thought Whiplash was FINE. Not like, “what a fine film,” but like, “UGH, it was FINE.” I won’t regale you with my thoughts on how there were only maybe 3 female extras in the entire music school just about. Regardless of that, I hate films that involve too much drumming, or wild drumming. Or any movie where people get yelled at to practice instruments except for Mr. Holland’s Opus because trust that I will watch it every time it’s on TV.

I think polygamy is a cool and acceptable life choice as long as everyone is of age and like those Sister Wives people. I wish those sister wives could all marry each other because I think that idiot husband-child is just a major handicap and his hair looks over processed. The second half of this unpopular opinion is probably a VERY popular opinion amongst viewers of the show.

Ross was the comedic glue that held Friends together.

I never lost any sleep over that missing Malaysian plane or what’s up with the Bermuda Triangle or Amelia Earhart. I just don’t care about things that disappear out of nowhere unless it’s a coed on a spring break trip to Mexico. Serial Killers > Plane drama any day.

It’s all out there now. Love me or leave me.

5 Things We Can Learn From: Bethenny Frankel

I’ve been a fan of Bethenny Frankel’s since the beginning of Real Housewives of New York City. She was easily my favorite Housewife because unlike the others, she hit that sweet spot of self-awareness for a reality star: just enough where she could have a sense of humor about herself and the show, but not enough where she was above acting like a lunatic at a Creaky Joints charity event.

I think Bethenny lost me sometime during Bethenny Ever After when she started crying in her closet next to Cookie and Ziplock bags of lingerie. Now that she’s getting a divorce from Jason Hoppy, I can only imagine what kind of mess her show would be if she did another season. Not that I wouldn’t have a DVR season pass for Bethenny Getting Her Groove Back With the Help of Hoda Kotb. I would enjoy it for what it would be: an hour long Skinnygirl QVC show with interspersing segments of Bethenny slirping oysters talking about how great casual sex is after 40, while Hoda giggles in embarrassed approval.

"Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!"

“Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!”

Yet, despite the wreck she is, I still think there’s a lot we can learn from Bethenny:

1. You won’t meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with at a club, which is how Bethenny and Jason met. If you do meet a hot, single, 40 year-old man while strutting past his bottle service table, it doesn’t mean your vision board is finally working. You’ve just found A 40 YEAR-OLD MAN STILL GETTING BOTTLE SERVICE.

1356295864_bethenny-frankel-main2. If you meet a 40 year-old man at a club and his first words to you are, “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” don’t marry that man! He’s probably going to have issues with non-traditional gender roles!!! I would also argue that if you met a man while you were both volunteering at a children’s hospital, and “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” was the first thing he said to you, it still wouldn’t be a great idea to marry him. He sounds very rude.

3. Crying in a bathroom during your birthday party because you “don’t want all the attention” while you’re miked up for your reality show makes you appear insane. 

bethenny-ever-after-finale-video-bryn4. If you insist on doing the above, do not write a self-help book about overcoming your screwed up childhood. If you’re 40 and still crying in bathrooms at your birthday party, maybe it’s time to let go of the idea that you’re ever going to “overcome” your childhood. Just be proud that you never went through a meth phase in your 20’s.

5. Karma is real, and she will cut you. Look, I love a nice watered down margarita with half the calories and alcohol, and I thank Bethenny for that. However, you can’t be telling ladies they should fill up on salad before Christmas dinner and think you’re going to get away with it. On her show, Bethenny self-righteously scooped out the meat of a few too many bagels for her not to be stricken with a divorce that she would have to eat her way through like a normal woman.

Instagram Caption: "This is my life right now"

Instagram Caption: “This is my life right now”

Bethenny, you did this to yourself. Don’t you tell me you only had a bite of each and threw out the rest. Just let it go.

The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.


Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

My New Favorite Bravo House Husbands

Jason Hoppy used to be my main Bravo man, but ever since season 2 of Bethenny Ever After, I have become very disenchanted with him and B-Town.

{Two miserable rich people}

Let me start off by saying I think Bethenny is a holy terror and should have never gotten married to anyone in the first place, but mostly I’m sick of Jason getting his Skinnygirl Shapewear in a twist every time she gets a Christmas card from Ellen and Portia. Sorry you feel emasculated because you couldn’t buy the boat for your family, but keep sipping on your ‘all natural,’ premixed margarita while you sail through Malibu on the S.S. Skinnygirl and get over it.

I have some new favorite Bravo House Husbands who don’t have wives with multi-million dollar empires built on the poor self image and disordered eating habits of America’s women (but I think if they did, they wouldn’t be such a-holes about it).

Kroy Biermann, Husband of Kim Zolciak, Real Housewives of Atlanta

There are three things in life that get me every time and Kroy Biermann has accomplished all of them on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding: 1. Hot dads with babies, 2. When a dad paints his daughter’s nails, 3. When step children accept a step parent as their parent-parent and starts calling them mom or dad (I really can’t explain this last one, my parents aren’t divorced or anything, but that turns my black heart pink ev.ry. time). Besides Kroy being one hot dad who loves Kim’s girls as his own, he also seems to be really tickled by her eccentricities. His wedding vows might as well have said “I promise to let you do you, baby girl.”

Terry Dubrow, husband of Heather Dubrow, Real Housewives of Orange County

Terry and Heather Dubrow are encroaching on Ice and Coco’s status as my favorite reality show couple. I mean, I don’t think they’ll ever steal that spot because another thing that gets me every time is when a former bad boy gangsta waxes poetic about how much he loves and admires his wife– but the Dubrow’s are still a close second. The thing I like most about Terry is that he allows Heather to maintain some independence and is always supportive of her rich lady aspirations (“I’m going to open a restaurant so my friends and I have a place to hang out, Terry!” “That sounds fun, Heather!”). When Heather auditioned for a part in a sitcom that shot for 12 hours a day in some impractical place like Canada, Terry never said, “you can’t do this, we have four kids that are still at an age where they will literally die if they go unsupervised.” He knew that she knew that it wouldn’t work, but he let her make that decision on her own rather than telling her no.

Jason, if you’re reading this (I think he’s reading this) learn something from these men and just let Bethenny be the basket case millionaire she was born to be. Being a stay-at-home dad is a very admirable thing, anyway. Someone needs to make sure that Bryn is eating more than scooped out bagels and Skinnygirl meal bars (’cause you KNOW Miss Frankel is unknowingly instilling some food shame into that kid).

(You Should Watch) “It’s a Brad, Brad World”

So let me first just get it out of the way that I think this show should be called It’s a Big Brad World or perhaps Bad Brad World. I had to get that off my chest because it consumes maybe 8% of my daily thoughts. Anyway, I just wanted to check in and make sure that you are watching It’s a Brad Brad World on Monday nights at 10pm and then 6 more times a day after that (unless there’s a 6 hour Tabatha marathon on instead).

Why should you watch this? Well, where do I start? Bow ties, geometric patterns, brightly colored blazers, and crying (all key ingredients for a successful reality show). I also consider this to be the Will and Grace spin-off that I dream happened instead of Friends doing Joey. Brad’s boyfriend, Gary, was a writer for Will and Grace and he must be a great writer because he talks like a sitcom. The show is funny, light-hearted, and goes down easy like a glass of Arbor Mist. Brad has branched out from Rachel, and by golly, he’s gonna make it, my Mary Tyler Moore!

Okay, totally separate thought….

….I’m beginning to realize that this blog is sashaying dangerously close to being a low-key Bravo blog. This frightens me. What if I just cross that line into insanity? I’ll be one pinot grigio away from desperately begging for retweets from all the Real Housewives’ children. I promise I’ll start limiting myself on Bravo-related posts, and please intervene if I don’t. Also intervene if I start talking about getting bangs again.

Boys to Manzo

The new webseries Boys to Manzo, which features Caroline Manzo’s sons Albie and Chris (The Looks and The Personality, respectively), is my new guilty pleasure. I’d like to know what came first- the name of this webseries or the webseries itself. My guess is some Bravo secretary or something thought of this most catchy name and Bravo just got lucky that the Manzo brothers were actually entertaining to watch and had a fabulous gay roommate (although, I’m willing to bet some Bravo intern from Jersey told Andy Cohen that he had a gay guido cousin that was perfect for TV, so they paid said gay guido to live with the brothers.). If I were Bravo I would produce a show around a good name. At this point in my life, the only reason why I’d have children is because I have some adorable baby name ideas that I wouldn’t want to go to waste.

Enjoy a little tidbit of Boys to Manzo above or click here for the full length versions.