Reasons Why Gwyneth Paltrow is Better Than You*

In case you were wondering, this is why Gwyneth Paltrow is better than you and me.

1. I promise you, you do not look presentable with your hair parted down the middle and stick straight. I don’t care who you are, if you are not GP, you look like this:

A member of the Manson family! You look like a cult member/pregnant lady murderer of the 60’s. Unless you’re GP, in which case, you look like an angel. If you aren’t GP I suggest you consider a side part or lay off the straight iron.

2.  The fact that she has a cookbook is not why she is better than everyone, if it were, then Eva Longoria would be on par with GP, and I assure you, she is not. This quote from GP’s cookbook is why she’s better than you:

“The stove is really the epicenter of my house — I am never far away from it and most of the time there is something atop it, simmering away for my family.”

This quote makes her better than you for a couple reasons. She effortlessly uses the word ‘atop,’ and she’s always cooking up some sort of healthy liver detox-y type of soup (whereas I’m sure you’re eating McDonald’s RIGHT NOW).

This brings me to my next point:

3. Have you ever taken a look at her lifestyle website, GOOP? (You should check it out, it’s her way of helping you be as good as her even though you could never be). If you take a look at this site, you quickly find out GP is all about the detox diets. If you look at one of her recent diets you’ll see that a typical day is “eating” miso soup for every meal. I’ve tried detox diets and juice cleanses before, and by 11 am I’m hallucinating, screaming at strangers, and binge eating an entire cheesecake.

Not GP. She could out detox you all day, every day. Too bad for you, loser!

4. Her mom is Blythe Danner.

Look at her! That bitch is regal!

In conclusion, Gwyneth is not better than you because she sings and acts and is rich, it’s because she can do super human things like live off soup for a week, which is way more impressive.

*I haven’t decided if this is sarcastic or all too genuine.