“Dara, I took a picture of your plate so you can blog about it.” – Mom
She has finally become the stage mother I’ve always wanted.
First, I’d like to apologize that this has turned into a full on Halloween blog. It is my favorite holiday, and to be honest, I get a ton of hits on all my Halloween related posts via search engines, so I’ll just milk this Pumpkin dry. Pumpkin being the name of my cow.
Secondly, a happy and safe Halloween weekend to all! I know that most people will be going out today or tomorrow, so to all of you I say: have a lovely time. Women, if you plan to dress like a sexy Hamburgler or a sexy traffic light, it is your body and I hope you display it proudly with the confidence and strength of 1,000 Xena: Warrior Princesses. If you are under 17 and wearing something sexy, your parents should really be monitoring you more closely, but I wish the same for you with the added advice to go easy on the orange jello shots. Actually, that advice is applicable to everyone.
If you choose to be something scary or witty or topical, good for you. May the bodies of the women dressed up as sexy Twister games never outshine your intellect and sense of whimsy.
To the men who wear “Hello My Name Is….” stickers, that is not a costume. Also, if you’ve got it, consider wearing a shirtless firefighter’s costume. I think you owe it to the women and gay men of America. We have done so much for you, and we have the body glitter and costume coordinated over the knee stockings to prove it. If you don’t got it, your Batman costume is fine, and I’m sure you have a great personality.
I have lived a very difficult life at the hands of my mother. Because of her, nearly every elementary school class birthday has been ruined for me. Since childhood, I have had an extremely refined palate for cakes due to her superior baking, which makes it impossible for me to enjoy grocery store baked goods or canned frostings, and I seemed to be the only 8 year old who knew that apple juice does not go with cake. Milk goes with cake, MILK! Who raised you, elementary school parents? Certainly not my mother.
On a weekly basis I had to politely eat the cupcakes and juice parents brought in for birthdays, wishing that like the other students, I was blissfully ignorant to the delicious cupcakes that existed in the world. Cupcakes that ruin you for all other cupcakes. The only solace I had was when my birthday rolled around and my mother could finally bring in her baked goods and MILK. We always killed it for my class birthday. In the fifth grade, I came up with the brilliant and totally unexpected plan to have a Hoodsie sundae bar. The best class birthdays always came from the chubby kids, and thanks to my size 16’s I was throwing milk-fused ragers.
I’ve always told my mother she should sell her cupcakes, and after winning the baking contest at the Fluff festival a few weeks ago, she finally decided to do it!
Introducing Sugarlyn Cakes!
So if you ever want to order some, let me know. For the drop-off, we can meet in a public, neutral location in case you’re using your cupcake order as an opportunity to murder me while enjoying delicious treats.
I could not be more pleased that Labor Day is behind us, taking Summer with it. See, I like Summer, but I love Fall. I get burned out on Summer because there’s too much pressure– to have fun, to have a fling, to be tan (which is a full time job for an alabastor princess such as myself). Autumn rolls around and it’s all hot cider and JCrew flannels. You trade in big summer BBQ’s with randos for hayrides with close friends. Or at least I assume people do that? I haven’t been on a hayride since I was in Girl Scouts and I’ve picked up a horse allergy in the meantime. I have an EPI pen, it’s a whole to do.
I think you can usually put someone in a Fall People or Summer People category. I’m a Fall person for many reasons. A primary and particularly weighty one is my birthday. November 1st is a clutch spot for a Fall birthday–you’re really in the thick of it, Autumnally speaking, and yet it’s a clean couple weeks before people really start stressing about holidays. The seasonal Starbucks cups haven’t even come out yet, which is the first sign of trouble.
In addition to prime birthday real estate, I look great in hunter green, my hair is red, and my head is the size of a pumpkin, so I’m basically the personification of Fall. Speaking of pumpkins– I love ’em. I could talk to you all day about pumpkins. I enjoy a pumpkin of the beer, latte or scone variety. I even have a pumpkin Jack-o-Lantern mug in the back of my cupboard that no one is allowed to use or look at until the Halloween spirit has descended upon us in order to preserve its seasonal novelty and magic.Ah, yes. It’s finally time to dust off the mug, fill it with cider and butterscotch schnopps and watch Hocus Pocus while I sew a costume I’ll eventually give up on in favor of a $100 piece of polyester from the Halloween pop-up store in the mall.
That is a picture of a snowy fallen tree in my backyard taken circa… yesterday. All of NH got a ton of snow (and to put this in perspective I live in southern NH bordering Mass. not some maple syrup-y backwoods up north. Despite what you may think, this is not normal).
Something upwards of 200,000 homes in NH are without power. My house lost power, but luckily we have a small generator that makes it possible to charge my cell, which is where I blog to you from- shivering in a blanket and blogging by candlelight like this is Little House on the Prairie with iPhones.
Also, my Halloween is all but ruined. I have no TV to watch Hocus Pocus from, and trick or treating is postponed in most towns, which has drained my holiday cheer. Nobody is thinking of Halloween around here. All you can think about is SURVIVING (except my mom who still has candy corn earrings and a festive t-shirt on. God bless her).
Has anyone else been hit by this Halloween tragedy?
PS it took me no less than a half hour to type this thing. Curse you, my Vienna Sausage fingers and the iPhone touch screen!
1. The Office– I had stopped watching The Office after last season. I’m not sure why because I sincerely enjoyed Michael Scott’s last few episodes, but I think enough people were telling me they were sick of The Office, so I thought “ya, that sounds right” and I stopped watching it. I’ve done the same thing with curry and olives. I’ve heard my parents say often that they don’t like curry or olives, and since it wasn’t that important I just decided not to form my own opinion on it and take on their’s. Turns out, I don’t mind curry but hate olives as much as I told myself I did. Back to the show. So, out of sheer boredom I watched the whole season thus far on On Demand while I pretended to peddle on my stationary bike. Wouldn’t you know, I’m really enjoying Andy as the new boss.
2. Surprise cupcakes– While at work today someone came in with cupcakes for an employee. They were from Queen City Cupcakes, which was a place I had wanted to try, and the lady just offered me an oatmeal cookie cupcake for no reason! How unexpected! I actually made cupcakes to bring to a friend’s house tonight, so now it looks like I have no choice but to eat multiple cupcakes today. I feel like this always happens. Whenever I know I’m going to have a cupcake on a particular day for whatever occasion, a surprise cupcake always presents itself that I can’t turn down. When it rains it pours cupcakes. It’s like how people say that when you have a significant other all of a sudden you start getting all these offers from other suitors. Look, I’m not going to pretend like I know if that’s true or not. I don’t know men, I just know baked goods.
3. Gummy Prenatal Vitamin– I guess it’s a sign of the times that companies have to start making their vitamins into candy if they want anyone to take them. Ya know what though, I never miss a day with my gummy prenatal vitamins. I can’t remember the last time I took a multi-vitamin, but my totally unnecessary prenatal vitamins never go undigested. Gummy aside, this is the first time I’ve ever taken prenatal vitamins, and I can’t recommend them enough. After a couple weeks of taking it, my skin is looking like I have the glow of an expectant mother without the buzz kill of a fetus growing inside your stomach like some sci-fi movie. I think my hair is definitely softer, too.
4. Miss Representation– This documentary that was shown on OWN is a must-see. It’s all about how women are misrepresented in the media- in terms of being objectified or stereotyped, and also how men are being conditioned to think that objectifying women is normal (and stuff). It’s kind of depressing because I kind of came away from it thinking that nothing will ever change unless we all become completely genderless (which would mean no mascara, and I can’t! I won’t). Also, now I’m completely paranoid that I am objectifying myself all the time. I feel like I should start dressing like a sister wife in Utah or something. As scary as Miss Representation is, it’s also really inspiring and eye opening.
5. Salem– Tonight I’m taking a little drive to Salem, Mass to visit my friend from college. We’re going to dress up and go out, which makes me equal parts excited and petrified. I’ve never been to Salem on Halloween weekend, but I hear it is nuts. Don’t get me wrong, Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none, but the convention of wearing masks during a day that celebrates fear is probably the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard of. I mean, I’ve been in New York City and Las Vegas in the early hours of the morning, and I’m probably just as likely to get murdered there as I am on Halloween in Salem, but being in a crowd of people dressed as zombie Casey Anthonys and Jigsaws probably just brings a level of disorientation that only makes it seem like you’re in some immediate danger.
Halloween has turned into the holiday where people shamelessly objectify women, and I feel that the only fair thing to do is to start objectifying men, too.
For your viewing pleasure, men being objectified:
I felt really good about that. Let’s move on.
I think the whole women in over-the-top sexy costumes thing is a little played out- it’s taken all the creativity out of figuring out what you’re going to be and making a costume.
But I don’t think I’ll be able to change that trend, so I propose a new, probably way better solution than wearing something more tame.
Shamelessly revealing costumes for men is something the public has not seen enough of so, I’d like to see men from all ages and walks of life going to Halloween pop-up stores and having sexy cop, firefighter, hula dancer, etc. be their only costume options. I want men, no matter tone or pudgy, to feel pressured into wearing a sexy costume. And none of these men can be gay. You get no credit for sexy costumes. If you are a straight man out there, strutting your stuff in some low-quality lycra, I salute you. In my slutty military outfit.
Let’s make slutty Halloween costumes an equal opportunity exploiter. I want to see this for Halloween:
It’s Halloween- just another holiday or another opportunity to rub it in that you are ALL ALONE. While all the other couples are dressing up as Jack and Rose, you are the lone wolf (or sexy wolf, sexy UPS worker, sexy barista, etc.). There’s no need to be sad, though! As long as you have another sad and pathetic friend (just kidding!) you can have just as much fun as all the other costume coordinated couples (just kidding, again).
Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World– This is an easy and cute costume. You can buy Wayne’s hat online and everybody looks cute in the oversized black glasses, but you have an excuse to wear them so no one will mistake you for a hipster.
I hope you are now feeling inspired to get all girl power-y for Halloween. Have any other ideas for platonic power couples you can go as?
If you are one of my loyal readers (Hi Mommy) then you might know that I love my Sally Hansen Salon Effects nail strips. If you’ve read this blog for the past few weeks you might also know that I’m a supporter of most seasonal novelty items. My two great passions in life have come together.
Sally Hansen has this limited edition halloween collection which is okay (though I’ve seen the winter/holiday collection and those are adorable). The design my underdeveloped (yet satiny smooth) baby hands are modeling is the only design with black and orange. The rest weren’t overtly halloween oriented. They had some with skulls and spider webs on them, but I feel like I can get that at Hot Topic all year so it didn’t seem very special. I like these enough, though the ghosts are a little Ms. Packman looking.
If you read my post yesterday, I told you about the autumn-time fun day I had with my mom last week. We went to Parker’s Maple Barn and Zorvino Vineyards. The two places were an hour away from each other, but I knew Zorvino had pumpkin wine and I will log some miles for seasonal alcohol… I loves me a novelty beverage.
I haven’t tried it yet, but I plan to save it for my birthday. It’s a dessert wine, so it’s 18% alcohol, which is dangerous because that much alcohol plus the fact that it will be my birthday (which is already a food free-for-all) means that halfway through the bottle I’ll start inventing fried pizza after I’ve finished my cake by myself. I’m excited.