Submit a Q: How to Get Over a Guy

Dear Dara,

For some back story, I’ve been hanging out with this guy – we have gotten pretty close on a friendship level. I never really saw any potential until a few of my friends told me he totally adored me. This of course warps all normal thought processes and makes me think that maybe there is a love connection. Since normally my “douchebag radar” is always on and I love a good chase, I figured maybe for once I should listen to my friends and go for the nice guy. Finally, growing the balls (sorry to be so crude), I put on my best mascara and lip gloss and was ready to tell him how I felt. It was a warm summer night and the rain was falling on my recently lotioned legs while sitting on the stoop of his house … and I totally got rejected. I apparently wasn’t what he what he was looking for, which is odd because I’m a catch. Being this the first time to totally be smacked in the face in quite some time, and especially after putting myself out there when it’s something I never do, I would like to know how to move on and make the best of a sour situation.

– xoxo Disillusioned in DC

First, Disillusioned, may I congratulate you on your moxie. It’s very brave to put yourself out there like that, and as a person who never displays any sort of emotion besides sassy or drunk, I have a lot of respect for you. Not everyone can be vulnerable like that. I mean, I’m so emotionally inept that one day at my wedding, my vows to my husband will probably just be, “you’re cool, I guess, let’s binge watch Netflix originals together for the rest of our lives, but if you’re not into that it’s fine.”

Now, to answer your question, I’ll give you some advice an acting teacher once gave to my class. I think this is some good insight, but in the spirit of full disclosure, this teacher was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl who, like, went on 10 day silent yoga retreats, and we all had inappropriate feelings for her, so it’s possible I was drinking her Kool-Aid. But I don’t think so. Anyway, she told us about some guy drama she had when she first started performing at this improv theatre, and someone told her to just “put her head down and do the work.” In your situation I think that translates to you should just focus on your career and your hobbies and the things that are important to you, independent from men. You know you’re a catch so telling you that this guy’s a jerk won’t make you feel any better. Going out and meeting new boys can help, but in my experience it just bums me out more because I remember how much I hate small-talking dude-bros at bars. So, yeah, immerse yourself in things that lift your self-esteem, and you’ll develop that inner glow that only pregnant women and happy people have. Because in the wise words of RuPaul, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gon’ love somebody else?” And also, “cut your fake eyelashes into 3 strips so they’re easier to apply.”

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HeTexted.com: The Saddest Corner of the Internet

Recently, I’ve realized that Facebook is passing some major judgement on my lifestyle, as all the ads they post for me now involve cleaning supplies and services, rehab facilities, and general websites involving where and how to find a boyfriend. I knew that Mark Zuckerberg had a feminine face, but I didn’t know he was my mother– amiright, ladies? HA-CHA-CHA-CHA! (I’m working day and night on my Catskill/1980’s female comedian hybrid character, so I don’t even have TIME to date).

The other day Facebook suggested this little gem, and in the process, insulted my intelligence:

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HeTexted.com has 3 components: A blog, a forum where you can ask for boy advice and people can respond and vote whether he’s “into you” or not (democracy hard at work!), and “ask a bro.”

Besides invading Iraq looking for WMD’s, I literally can’t think of a more terrible idea than this website (guys, how smart did I just sound?). Women and girls don’t need a forum to over-analyze men together from across the globe.

I understand that sometimes you need advice from your friends. I ask for it a lot and I love to sit down with a gal pal and draw out a venn diagram or a pro’s and con’s list over some Sauv Blaahhhh to decide if we should break up with her boyfriend. However, as I get older I have begun to realize that just because they’re your friends, doesn’t mean they give sound advice. If I have trouble figuring out if my friends can be trusted with my romantic problems, how can I be assured that these faceless, internet dum-dums know what they’re talking about?

Just judging by their blog, it doesn’t seem like you should trust this website.

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First sentence out of the gate: “Let’s talk girl crushes.”

No. Don’t. I can’t stand this phrase. Just say what you actually mean– you think this woman is cool and pretty and you would like to be friends with her. You don’t have to add a “no-homo” stamp of clarification. Nobody thinks you plan to go Orange-is-the-New-Black on her lady bits. Unless you do, in which case it’s just a crush.

Already I don’t feel good about these people. Next post:

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NOPE! NOOOOPE! A bad Sex and the City reference (“Single and the City” is arguably redundant) coupled with a New Girl picture? These are a bunch of 22 year-old girls with brand new journalism degrees, sitting around Starbucks in their H&M blazers, blogging and taking selfies hashtagged #riseandgrind. I’m sure they could tell you how to highlight your eyes like Kim Kardashian (hint: it involves NARS blush in Albatross), but putting your love life in their young, stupid hands is not advisable.

And do women really need advice on guys? Deep down, don’t you already know what’s up? Like this girl:

20130822-102607.jpgThis is just depressing. Is asking the audience really necessary here? And they’re all like this. A lot of the questions seem to be from teenagers, but just as many are definitely from women who are at least in their 20’s. There are just so many things that your time would be better spent on than sitting at a computer obsessing over guys. If you find yourself obsessing, you can do what I do to get my mind off of it: listen to a podcast or meditate or drink a bottle of wine and sing through the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode after your apartment’s quiet hours, aka just doing me.

Advice to Men on How to Not Get Murdered

The only thing that comes close to my love for SVU is my love for true crime stories. I wish everyone would watch them because you learn so much about how to not get murdered. Like, I know not to go to unpopulated places at night, and at any given moment, I can name you three different objects in the room that I could use as a weapon. Sure, you live in an almost constant state of fear, or as I like to call it, “alertness,” but you are not dead and free to watch more 20/20 Investigates. Add some wine, and that, my friends, is called living.

My newest Nancy Grace level obsession is the Jodi Arias death penalty trial. To give you a quick run-down, Jodi was dating this guy, Travis Alexander, for about a year on-and-off. After they had broken up, they continued to have sex, until the day Jodi killed Travis. She traveled to his house in Arizona from her house in California, where they did the do, took naked pictures of each other, and then at some point Jodi stabbed him 27 times, slit his throat, and shot him in the face twice.

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First, she said that ninjas broke in and attacked them, but she escaped. Now, she’s saying that he was an abusive pedophile and she killed him in self-defense, but I’m pretty sure she’s a pathological liar and he never hit her. My theory is that he quickly became aware that he wasn’t interested in committing to her, but he kept her as a back-up when he wanted sex and companionship. He gave her mixed messages about his feelings, so she thought that she just had to be patient and work to win him back (which never happens). One day, she finally realized it’s never happening and that he had been using her all along, so she killed him.

Up until the murder part, this sort of thing happens all the time.

Her defense is trying to say that no one would go back to a partner that didn’t care about them unless they had some sort of battered woman’s syndrome from physical abuse. Some “expert lawyer” panelists on HLN are even saying that this makes sense! Do these idiots even watch Girls?! You don’t have to abuse anyone to make them keep coming back to you like a desperate lunatic, all you have to do is not text them for a week. And that is no justification for murder! If they let this lady off, it just sets a precedent that you can kill someone in self-defense for attacking your heart.

Now, what can you learn from this, boys? First, if someone is really into you and it’s not mutual, you should move along and let them be because they might kill you. If that’s not an option, at least pick your emotional murder victim carefully. If someone exhibits the warning signs of craziness, don’t mess with them. Getting murdered and having your phone sex sessions played in open court can’t possibly be worth the gas-station-bathroom-crazy-person-sex she is offering.

I mean, look at how dead she is behind the eyes. That is a lady you don’t screw with!

ImageProcessor She should be put away for those bangs alone! Heeeeey!

The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

7 Bits of Advice for Young Girls

1. You don’t need to dress up to go to the mall. You don’t need to be loud and draw attention to yourself at the mall. When you get older and see little mall rats in belly shirts it will make you question whether you ever want children. Seriously, I don’t think you guys understand how annoying you are at the mall.

{I know you think this is what you look like when you dress up to go to the mall, but Rachel McAdams was 26 or 27 right there…. you probably don’t look this good. Sorry.}

2. There’s no reason for you to take a picture of yourself or your friends in the bathroom. This includes on the toilet and in a mirror.

3. If you get into a good college and your dummy boyfriend doesn’t, don’t go to his crappy school because you want to be with him… Seriously, I’m gonna kill you if you do that.

{Don’t you remember? Topanga gets into Yale, but doesn’t go cuz Cory doesn’t want her to. Good one, ABC.}

4. This next bit of advice is c/o my mother, which can be applied to everyone, but particularly Young Girls: Don’t write anything down/take pictures of/record anything you wouldn’t want everyone to see. This includes nudie texts and facebook statuses.

5. That Bob Marley poster makes you look like an a-hole. Take it down. You’re a white girl from the suburbs (I’m assuming), and you have no idea what you’re talking about. We get it, you smoke weed sometimes when people offer it to you for free at parties. Relax.

6. Here’s some advice from my dad, which also applies to everyone, but particularly to Young Girls with punk-y/ugly boyfriends they keep around just so they have a boyfriend: don’t rely on a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy, (get a hobby or something, jeez) and then a significant other becomes a nice  compliment to your life. If you can do this, then you won’t feel the need to date every moron who comes around still wearing the sticker on his hat’s visor.

7. You don’t need to dress like a slutty ________ on Halloween. We’ve all done it, but from experience, you’ll stand out more if you make your own cool costume.

{My friend Michelle and me, Halloween circa 2009. We did not get much attention for our costumes: Under Dressed Circus Master and Under Dressed Mardi Gras Attendee}

{2011… we got a lot more compliments on these homemade costumes… and free drinks! Young Girls, you can still get free drinks whilst fully clothed}

There you have it, Young Girls. Advice you should take if you’d like to some day look back on your adolescence and not cringe. Should I get involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters? I’m that good, right?

Submit a Question!

I’ve decided to add a new bit of flair to my blog in the form of a regular advice column– or as regular as it can be based on how many questions I get. Here’s hoping this is Jamie Lee Curtis regular…

wait for it…. wait for it….gettt ittt?

Just like Ann Landers, I will answer all your questions from my typewriter while wearing a jaunty house coat.

So you can just head on over to the ‘Submit a Question’ tab, and anonymously write me a question that I’ll answer on here. I’ll answer questions on anything because I have an opinion on everything. Bonus points if you know me, and you send in a question anonymously about me, i.e. “So there’s this wonderful woman I’m in love with, but I don’t think she knows I exist.” I also ask that you sign off your questions with something like, “Lost and Lonely in Louisiana” and if you don’t, I will make something up for you. Pithy sign-offs are not optional.

The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants

It’s time for some more unsolicited advice from a young woman with no qualifications:

Men and boys: Do not wear sweatpants. They are offensive to women, all women, I promise you. 

Some guys reading this might think “Dara, I KNOW this! I learned this along with the importance of deodorant application!” and to you, sir, let me direct you to the contact information tab at the top of this screen. You obviously have your life together, and I would love to hear from you. Your knowledge of appropriate apparel choices, in addition to your appreciation of basic hygiene, is an intoxicating combination.

So, I tweeted this little tidbit of info, and some kid tweeted me in reply and didn’t know what I meant (he understood the Ashton Kutcher part, though. I think we’re all in agreement with that). I was kind of shocked that this kid had no idea. I thought guys who wear sweatpants in public knew exactly what they were doing, but I think some of them actually don’t get what’s going on here. So here it is if you’re unsure:

WE CAN SEE EVERYTHING AND IT IS DISGUSTING!

I know that some guys are aware of this and wear sweatpants for just that reason above, and that means you are a PREDATOR. I think it’s so unfair that drunk college kids can get labeled a sex offender for the rest of their life for peeing in public, but a man knowingly wearing sweatpants in front of women and children get to live their life freely.

To the clueless guys: I think what the problem might be is that you see women in sweatpants, so you think it’s okay for you, too. I’m all for equality, but I’m going to have to draw the line here. This is what a woman looks like in sweat pants:

So cute yet airport casual with her little hat and little hip bone, right?

Guess what? That’s not what you look like! I was going to post a picture of what guys look like in sweatpants, but my mother reads this blog and all the pictures I found were inappropriate.

Ladies don’t want to see that. I don’t care what you’ve got going on under your CostCo sweatpants, but I can promise you that real pants that fit properly will impress a woman more than totally unsupportive gym clothes… Which is how you should think of pants. Women have to wear bras for support, so you need to do the same with pants.

You might say there’s a flaw in that argument– that guys like it when hot women don’t wear bras, so why wouldn’t ladies like it if a hot guy wore sweatpants? Well, the only explanation is that girls are pretty, so of course you like them bra-less; however, to women, any guy in sweatpants is equal to your 60 year-old, free-spirited aunt in her strapless dress going bra-less. OFFENSIVE!