The Greatest Event in Television History

My mom and dad made a home movie I’d like to share with you.

A shot-by-shot recreation of the 80’s TV show Hart to Hart.

If you have a spare 18 minutes to watch this in the middle of a work day, you probably need a laugh, you sad, unemployed loser. I watched this in the minutes before my slave driver roommate woke up and ordered me back to my sewing machine. Yesterday she had me up all night sewing pillows until carpal tunnel set in, and today I’m Von Trapping some curtains for our living room. My tiny, nimble, toddler fingers can barely muster the strength to type this to you. If you are reading this, if anyone reads this(?), please send help. Also send food. I’ve only eaten almond butter and brown rice cakes all week. I’m in the mood for sushi.

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My Perfect Man

Sometimes I wonder if my friends think that maaaaybe I’m a lesbian. Not that my friends have never seen me dating a guy before, but just recently I have been so beyond picky, that I can almost feel them thinking “okay, what’s wrong with this guy?”

I just have a really particular picture of my perfect man, and I think it would be a long shot to find my type in a bar. I read The Secret and they said to write an exhaustive list of what you want in a guy so the universe attracts him to you, but then Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker said making a long list is too picky!

This is my list of what I want in a man that is either slowly attracting him to me or keeping me single forever:

  • Sense of humor. And by “sense of humor” I don’t mean he enjoys other people laughing at his jokes. It’s a back and forth, and he better like my half-assed Drew Barrymore impression.

Dream Men

  • Goal oriented. I need a man who knows what he wants to do with his life- he doesn’t have to stick to it, but he has to have a direction. If he doesn’t, I’m going to end up giving him all sorts of unsolicited advice about how much potential he has and what kind of career path he should take. (Although, maybe a guy with no goals is nice because I’d prefer a stay at home dad instead of a nanny).

"Up All Night" stay-at-home-dad

  • Is okay with my parents living in a guest house in the back yard.
  • Cute enough where I find him attractive, but not so cute that he can go out and find someone better than me. But I don’t know why he’d even try to find someone else because NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE HIM LIKE I LOVE HIM, SO HE BETTER NOT TRY. An-y-waaaays.
  • Someone who treats my friends as nice as he treats me. (Seriously, guys, if you treat your lady’s friends well, you are in like Flynn. Buy her best friend a beer, or a slice of pizza when you’re all out late after a bar trip. You want the best friend on your side, and it makes you look classy).
  • Someone who will watch my gay television programming with me. This includes, but is not limited to: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Real Housewives of Anywhere, Bethenny Ever After, play the drinking game with me on Watch What Happens Live, etc. etc. They say that girls want to marry a guy like their dad, and my dad’s favorite show is American Idol and can give you informed opinions on every Housewife. I fear I won’t ever find a guy who can fill that dear man’s shoes.
  • Is a feminist. I just want to watch TV with someone who can say “do they know the kind of message their sending to young girls with that commercial?!” Then we’ll chat about how women’s rights are human rights, and we’ll read from Eleanor Roosevelt’s memoir before we fall asleep.
  • Knows the difference between your and you’re. Spells ‘a lot’ as two words. I’m serious, this is so attractive.

There’s actually even more to this sickeningly specific checklist, but I will spare you. It’s a nice list to start with, so if you know anyone like this, the “Contact” tab is above. Thank you and good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.