My “The Bachelorette” Finale Think Piece

kaitlyn-bristowe

I have actually never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette until this season. When I tell people that they’re shocked, but in general I’m very loyal to the Bravo TV reality show canon, though I can some times be swayed over to VH1 for things relating to Ice T/Coco or rehab. I’ve maybe been a little too proud in the past that The Bachelor juggernaut was not something I participated in. I considered myself a hipster in the reality TV community: making niche references to Gallery Girls… telling people “DC was one of my favorite Real Housewives cities, but I bet you probably haven’t seen it.” Looking back, I guess I was a monster.

I’m hesitant to tell you how I got into The Bachelorette this season because it is far too predictable white girl comedian of me, but when Amy Schumer was on an episode this season, I watched her segment. I didn’t even start watching after her episode, but something compelled me and I watched the final 5 episodes, and I guess I’m into it because on my DVR I have every Kaitlyn Bristowe talk show appearance from the last 24 hours. I do have a lot of questions, concerns, complaints about the show as a whole and some thoughts on my Bachelorette journey.

  • How is this show 2 hours? I get that it’s a very popular show so they just want to suck up the time slot, but I could cut this show down to a tight 45 if they just let me edit out all the times someone says a variation of the phrase “I can’t believe how crazy this is” thus beginning a whole conversation about how crazy this is.
  • As viewers, did you all make the agreement long ago that you assume huge aspects of the show are manipulated by the producers, but will move on as if they are not? I ask because realistically, you would think that the Bachelor or Bachelorette probably finds someone he/she likes pretty quickly, writing everyone else off… just judging by general human behavior. My guess was Kaitlyn knew Shawn was IT very quickly, and judging by Kaitlyn’s v. v. cool, down to earth (DTE), smooth operating personality she walked up to some producer, told them the business, and everyone involved knew they had to do some recon and bring some new blood into the competition. And who better than that dead eyed, lazy mouthed, wet noodle Nick. He has no soul our humanity and has a reputation to fix. Which brings me to my next point:
  • Everything I’m reading about the show is how seemingly educated freelance writers feel bad for Nick and aren’t considering that Nick was in on this mission. I do think Kaitlyn and Nick had sex and they had some chemistry. I think maybe they both got a little caught up in things, but I think they threw Nick in there because they had a good feeling that based on their previous interactions, Kaitlyn would at least be attracted to him enough to create some sort of problems between her and Shawn. Also, I don’t feel bad for Nick because I think he was in on this the whole time. He came back for the opportunity to get dumped again and this time handle it more gracefully.
  • Another thought: I have to get used to the fact that these guys and gals are not operating on the same spiritual or intellectual plane as the rest of us. Because: When I started watching the last 3 episodes before the Dum Dums Tell All, it was down to the kid who looks like a young Christopher Knight or an older Peter Brady, Nick, and Gosling. I said Chris Knight was too young for Kaitlyn. Gosling I remembered from the stand up episode as a garbage pile, and Nick was age appropriate and not a protein powder snorting personal trainer. So I was team Nick for one episode. Then I found out Nick was the monster of a previous season. And I also thought Gosling is an idiot but at least he’s not a psychopath and also if she dumps him he might kill himself which is sweet, ya know? Gosling is still an idiot, but he seems nice enough, and at the end of the day, I get the feeling that though Kaitlyn’s sister made a real mess of those highlights she painted on her head, it’s Kaitlyn who makes most of the mistakes in that family, at least when it comes to men. At this point, I think maybe I just have to make peace with the fact that Shawn is not the worst Kaitlyn could do when there are still plenty of single serial killers and con men and NFL players out there just waiting to ruin a little duckling like Kaitlyn. Our little duckling.
  • Okay, I’m bored… oh and,
  • Would it KILL them to cast a black Bachelor or Bachelorette?!
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Friday Inspiration: What Would You Do?

johnquinonesMy dream jobs include: assistant to Andy Cohen, portraying Olivia Benson’s niece who exacts vigilante justice on pedophiles for an episode of SVU, and being a What Would You Do? cast member.

I would even accept getting secretly taped on an episode of WWYD?. So, if you ever see me in a restaurant launching into a liberal diatribe because I overheard someone making fun of a gay teen, know that I’m doing it because I’m both a good person and hoping that John Quiñones will emerge from the kitchen with a camera crew.