Happy Singles Awareness Day

JUST KIDDING, DUMMIES, I HAVE A DATE THIS YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHDHAHDAUIHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sorry to gloat. If it makes you feel any better, I ate a Sprinkles cupcake and a mocha latte for breakfast and now I feel sick….

……except I don’t even care because they were both free, compliments of my office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anigif_enhanced-buzz-350-1378883218-16

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Rihanna, You Can Call Me Al

I know people complain about the choices Rihanna has made in the past because she is a role model to young girls, but in fairness to Ri-Ri, she is a young woman herself. Who will be her role model now that her role model is gone…. gone….? I mean, good lord, look at this:
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I will be your role model.
I will be your body guard.
I will be your long lost pal.

Doo doo doodoo, doooo doo doodoo

Seriously, this bums me out. Oprah, are you too busy mentoring Lindsay Lohan to monitor Rihanna’s clothing choices and incriminating Instagram pictures? Between this and writing a Twin Peaks Broadway musical adaption, it would appear that I have to do everything myself.

So, hypothetically, would any of you fund a Kickstarter to raise money for my celebrity home for wayward girls? Basically, between general education classes we would watch repeats of 30 Rock and before bed I’d read them excerpts from Hillary Clinton’s Living History until we all fell asleep with visions of Eleanor Roosevelt dancing in our heads. My dad and a salt and pepper haired Steve Carrell would serve as the girls’ mentors and stable father figures (ps. does anyone have Steve’s contact info?).

Look, the home hasn’t even opened yet and my father is already giving Rihanna the validation and support she needs! (I swear this text is real and unsolicited).

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A Week Without Fruit, But Full of Freedom

Did everyone have a good 4th of July weekend?

This is what I did:

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Basically, I treated the last week as if it was my birthday where I celebrate for days by binge eating until food doesn’t taste good anymore.

Between yogurt and bagels I ate:

  • 1 hot dog
  • 1 burger
  • 1 quarter pounder with cheese (which is in a burger category all its own)
  • 1 slider (or like, half a burger?)
  • 2 Subway sammiches. Truthfully, it could have been 3.
  • 2 steak tacos from Del Taco
  • Fries on fries on fries.
  • and a kiddie sized Frosty for dipping.
  • Chips on dip on dip.
  • Two spicy chicken sandwiches in less than 24 hours, but one was from McDonald’s while the other was from Wendy’s, and those are two totally different experiences
  • and 2 fried cheesecake bites from the Del Taco drive thru that I couldn’t wait to eat, so I shoveled them into my gullet with one hand and steered into my garage with the other as I watched my trainer neighbor Nick run sprints shirtless on our sidewalk. I pawed sadly at the window and slowly drove passed him.

One day I shall introduce myself to him when my mouth isn’t full of fried saturated fats. But I don’t know when that day would realistically happen….

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That’s a Deal Breaker, Ladies!

  • A dead tooth. A missing tooth might not be a deal breaker if it’s far enough back.
  • A missing tooth. Who am I kidding?
  • Wears a fedora. Even if you just wore one once in a Facebook picture, I can never unsee that. I just think a fedora is a symptom of a much bigger problem, like a lack of self awareness and good judgement. (Sidebar: a woman in a straw fedora is not only acceptable, but encouraged).
  • Wears a pork pie hat.
  • Wears any hat for fashion and not function. Baseball hats and winter hats are functional. News boy hats do nothing for no one.
  • Addendum to the above statement: Visors are not technically hats and, yet, despite their function, are a deal breaker.
  • Invites you to a teen community theatre production for a first date or any date thereafter.
  • Compulsively steals bikes (have I got a story for you guys! I’ll tell you about it this week).
  • Posts his own poetry on his Facebook. Reading people’s poetry makes me very uncomfortable.
  • Doesn’t watch TV. What am I supposed to do with you? How can this work?
  • Refuses to dress up for Halloween. If I can’t even get you in a funny or whimsical tee-shirt on my favorite Holy Day, then we are too different and this can never work. If it’s between you and Dead Tooth Guy, if DTG will dress up as Buddy Holly to my Mary Tyler Moore, then you know what my decision is…

It should be noted that these are just my deal breakers and are probably not universal deal breakers, though they should be. It should also be noted that I do not have a boyfriend.

Tasti D-Lite – Boston

I made a little trip to the new Tasti D-Lite on 205 Newbury Street in Boston yesterday, which I have been looking forward to since I found out they were coming to Boston. Now, if you don’t know what Tasti D-Lite is it’s this low calorie, frozen yogurt-y, soft serve-y ice cream thing. They ate it on Sex and the City and 30 Rock, which is all the information you need to know.

The chain started in NYC, but this Boston one is way cooler because you can get any of the 5 flavors they have “on tap,” but if you’re really high maintenance you can have them specially mix a flavor for you if they aren’t serving it in bulk that day.

I’m pretty high maintenance when it comes to food, so I had them prepare for me the Nutella flavor (they use real Nutella to make it), which was 90 calories. Now, generally, if something is low-calorie I don’t care if it tastes like styrofoam… I’m just happy to be eating. However, this Nutella flavor was legit UNREAL (I forgot to take a picture before I ate half of it… enjoy the following picture of my dessert remnants). I also got the Strawberry Shortcake flavor, which was also really good. When you go, take your time, try one of the flavors of the day, but peruse the complete menu to take in all your options. Don’t do anything rash before you’ve made an informed decision on what flavor and topping you want. If you get overwhelmed, just ask for a Nutella with chocolate sprinkles, and I promise you’ll be fine.

Bossypants Is My Twilight

This tweet from Mindy Kaling (of ‘The Office’) sums up my manic excitement for Tina Fey’s book, Bossypants, which just came out last Tuesday.

I didn’t actually read the whole thing in one night. That’s like making a bagel and cream cheese sandwich and eating both halves at once. I read the book over the course of 4 or 5 days, and when I got to the last chapter I was just as sad as I get when I know that soon I’ll be finished my bagel.

I’m not going to bother reviewing this book. Obviously, it was the best book ever written.

So since Bossypants is my new Twilight, this book will be my new Harry Potter:

Mindy Kaling’s book of essays comes out November 1st, 2011. And I promise you it will be better than everything ever written by Chelsea Handler.