IMMA “VOCAL FRY” YOUR NUTS

Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 6.53.08 PMI’ve been hearing a lot lately about the term “vocal fry” (when your vocal chords rub together and cause a gravely noise when you speak) and how it causes young women to look unprofessional/forces every other demographic to hate us even more than they usually do.

I’ve actually known about vocal fry for a while because I took voices lessons for years (because I am CHI-CHI-CHI-CHIC) and it hurts your delicate little chords that make dah music in your throat pipe. So I will say firstly, you probably shouldn’t vocal fry if you’re like P!nk or someone who talks a lot for a living, but not because some asshole freelance writer at Business Insider told you not to.

I read somewhere (I DON’T CARE WHERE) that middle aged men in business (ya know, the ones holding the power over young females just starting off in business) tend to “disregard” women who vocal fry…..

………

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Guess what? Except for maybe your dad, every middle aged man disregards young women.

Girls aren’t the only ones who vocal fry or up-speak or say “just” to preface a request. Guys do it too, people just don’t notice or care as much because they aren’t looking for any possible reason to not take them seriously or recognize them as humans.

SO SCREW THEM!

To all the ladies out there who write: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT SALON TELL YOU NOT TO USE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

To the ladies out there who use words: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT TIME.COM TELL YOU WHICH TRENDY PHRASES YOU’RE ALLOWED TO USE!!!!

To the ladies out there who read: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT THE GUARDIAN TELL YOU HOW TO USE YOUR VOICE UNDER THE GUISE THAT SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN AND SHE’S JUST TELLING YOU HOW TO BE A STRONG WOMAN TOO!!!

LADIES, LET US FRY OUR VOICES AND THEN FRY THE BALLS OF THOSE WHO DON’T LIKE IT!!!!! 

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My “The Bachelorette” Finale Think Piece

kaitlyn-bristowe

I have actually never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette until this season. When I tell people that they’re shocked, but in general I’m very loyal to the Bravo TV reality show canon, though I can some times be swayed over to VH1 for things relating to Ice T/Coco or rehab. I’ve maybe been a little too proud in the past that The Bachelor juggernaut was not something I participated in. I considered myself a hipster in the reality TV community: making niche references to Gallery Girls… telling people “DC was one of my favorite Real Housewives cities, but I bet you probably haven’t seen it.” Looking back, I guess I was a monster.

I’m hesitant to tell you how I got into The Bachelorette this season because it is far too predictable white girl comedian of me, but when Amy Schumer was on an episode this season, I watched her segment. I didn’t even start watching after her episode, but something compelled me and I watched the final 5 episodes, and I guess I’m into it because on my DVR I have every Kaitlyn Bristowe talk show appearance from the last 24 hours. I do have a lot of questions, concerns, complaints about the show as a whole and some thoughts on my Bachelorette journey.

  • How is this show 2 hours? I get that it’s a very popular show so they just want to suck up the time slot, but I could cut this show down to a tight 45 if they just let me edit out all the times someone says a variation of the phrase “I can’t believe how crazy this is” thus beginning a whole conversation about how crazy this is.
  • As viewers, did you all make the agreement long ago that you assume huge aspects of the show are manipulated by the producers, but will move on as if they are not? I ask because realistically, you would think that the Bachelor or Bachelorette probably finds someone he/she likes pretty quickly, writing everyone else off… just judging by general human behavior. My guess was Kaitlyn knew Shawn was IT very quickly, and judging by Kaitlyn’s v. v. cool, down to earth (DTE), smooth operating personality she walked up to some producer, told them the business, and everyone involved knew they had to do some recon and bring some new blood into the competition. And who better than that dead eyed, lazy mouthed, wet noodle Nick. He has no soul our humanity and has a reputation to fix. Which brings me to my next point:
  • Everything I’m reading about the show is how seemingly educated freelance writers feel bad for Nick and aren’t considering that Nick was in on this mission. I do think Kaitlyn and Nick had sex and they had some chemistry. I think maybe they both got a little caught up in things, but I think they threw Nick in there because they had a good feeling that based on their previous interactions, Kaitlyn would at least be attracted to him enough to create some sort of problems between her and Shawn. Also, I don’t feel bad for Nick because I think he was in on this the whole time. He came back for the opportunity to get dumped again and this time handle it more gracefully.
  • Another thought: I have to get used to the fact that these guys and gals are not operating on the same spiritual or intellectual plane as the rest of us. Because: When I started watching the last 3 episodes before the Dum Dums Tell All, it was down to the kid who looks like a young Christopher Knight or an older Peter Brady, Nick, and Gosling. I said Chris Knight was too young for Kaitlyn. Gosling I remembered from the stand up episode as a garbage pile, and Nick was age appropriate and not a protein powder snorting personal trainer. So I was team Nick for one episode. Then I found out Nick was the monster of a previous season. And I also thought Gosling is an idiot but at least he’s not a psychopath and also if she dumps him he might kill himself which is sweet, ya know? Gosling is still an idiot, but he seems nice enough, and at the end of the day, I get the feeling that though Kaitlyn’s sister made a real mess of those highlights she painted on her head, it’s Kaitlyn who makes most of the mistakes in that family, at least when it comes to men. At this point, I think maybe I just have to make peace with the fact that Shawn is not the worst Kaitlyn could do when there are still plenty of single serial killers and con men and NFL players out there just waiting to ruin a little duckling like Kaitlyn. Our little duckling.
  • Okay, I’m bored… oh and,
  • Would it KILL them to cast a black Bachelor or Bachelorette?!

People Who Still Make Fun of Kim Kardashian are BASICCCC

Last week Kim Kardashian was on an episode of the NPR game show podcast “Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me” which is a dumb podcast that is not as good as the less appreciated NPR game show podcast “Ask Me Another.” Kim was an utter delight, but NPR listeners freaked out that she and her voice were not worthy of being inside their elitist ear holes. And to them, and every other person who still makes fun of Kim, I say “YERRR BASICKKKKK.”

Still calling someone basic might be considered basic, but I think basic is a word we need in the English language. It’s timeless, and I think if you want me to eradicate this word from my repertoire, you might as well ask me to give up words like “love,” “God,” and “America.”

So, yah basic, Kiki haters. I was once one of you for sure. I never watched anything in the Kardashian kanon until the Caitlyn stuff happened and I still have no idea if Dash is a real store. I judged Kim sight unseen because of the sex tape thing and just her whole lifestyle in general, but I have seen the light and I think Kim is great. I think she’s smart, I think she’s in on it, I think she’s really sweet, and I don’t think she’s any worse than any other celebrity out there who is making money off selling their baby’s first photo spread to People Magazine. If you’re still stumbling around telling everyone that the Kardashians are what’s wrong with this country, then go find a middle aged white male meet up group so you can discuss in peace that and how kids these days won’t stop tweeting about what they had for lunch today.

And stop kalling Khloe “the ugly one!” She’s not the ugly one, and even if she was you’re rude and basic and probably the ugly one in most social circles. BYYYYE.

Deleted Scenes of Women in Disaster Films Written by Men

Happy Friday, Dream Lovers. Here is the newest video I wrote and co-star in.

In these deleted scenes of women in disaster films written by men, some probing questions will finally be answered, including “how does the modern woman facing imminent death in the zombie apocalypse find the time to keep her armpits looking so fresh and hairless?”

If you’re interested in my write about up about the video that was featured on Amy Poehler’s Smart Girl website, here’s the link.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a Garbage Person!

On May 2, Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao go head to head in what is poised to be the fight of the decade. It’s sure to be an exciting and inspiring night that celebrates hard work, the human spirit, and the tacit agreement between advertisers and fans that money and sports take higher priority than the safety of women and children!!!!!!

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a currently undefeated, five division world champion boxer having won 10 world titles. All of those words mean that he is really exceptionally good at beating up other people in his weight class. You know who probably weren’t in his weight class? All of his wives he abused!

Mayweather has been accused of 7 instances of physical assault against 5 different women, and in 2012 he was convicted for beating his then and current ex-wife because he suspected her of dating an NBA player. He came into her house and attacked her until their 10 year old child escaped the house and called the police. His ex-wife later said that had it not been for the police, she believes she would have been killed.

The statement of the events of that night from Mayweather's 10 year old son

The statement of the events of that night from Mayweather’s 10 year old son

His punishment? 2 months in jail and an estimated net worth of 300 million dollars! Tough!

Now, what can you do?

Simple! Boycott the fight!

But, what if you can’t boycott the fight? Like if an armed intruder ties you to a chair and holds your eyelids open in front a TV. We’ve all been there. My advice is to root for Manny. He’s never been accused of domestic violence and searching “Manny Pacquaio good guy” returns some pre-tty convincing search results. In fact, in one article his trainer Freddie Roach says Manny is quote, “really against domestic violence.” 

So now that you know that Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a serial abuser of women and all around poop bucket, I hope you realize that someone like him doesn’t deserve to keep on enjoying the fame our society has afforded him. And if you disagree, pick up the phone, call who ever raised you and ask where the beep boop did they go wrong?

Until next time……………

OH, ALSO! Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist, BYEEEEE.

The Real Housewives of NYC Recap Episode 1

Well, it’s that time again. The gals are back! No matter what happens this season, the first episode of RHONY always feels like someone wrapping you in an electric blanket as you drift off into a Lunesta sleep.

I’ve decided to start doing a video recap of the series because I feel like it and also because it creates the illusion that I’m doing something productive for my career on a weekly basis. I’m sure the episodes will change a little as I figure out how I want to structure them and get more comfortable with the idea that my 3 other male roommates can hear me wearing a leopard fur coat while I talk about Bravo alone in the guest room.

The Jinx

Let’s talk about the only thing I care about right now, The Jinx; or, Did You Hear That? It’s The Death Rattle of Sarah Koenig. 

If you haven’t seen all of The Jinx; or The Masterpiece That Was Gifted To Andrew Jarecki Through No Merit of His Own then please move along. You, you sweet reader, are the luckiest of us all. You get to experience every episode for the very first time. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Stay away from all media outlets lest your deliciously ignorant eyes be tainted by spoilers. Goodbye, and return to me after your journey through a world you could never imagine.

Now that those losers are gone, let’s get down to brass tacks. Or brass tax? Like brads you use to fasten paper together or the taxation of brass? We’ll never know. Here’s my thoughts as they come because I can’t even organize my thoughts on this, there are too many.

  • Did the full weight of how terrifying the American justice system crush you after they talked to that Galveston jury member in the last episode and he was just like, “yeck-yeck-yeck, I’m from Texas, Robert Durst seems like a cool, innocent city slicker!” Even that horrible son-figure of Susan Berman finally came to Jesus and did the right thing by the end, though I hope he is haunted by his choices for the rest of his life and in his final moments on Earth he is visited by the spirit of Susan who will tell him that she forgives him, but God does not and Robert Durst appears, takes his hand and escorts him to Hell. If there’s an after life, of course.
  • I have a certain level of respect for Robert because every time Andrew Jarecki called him and just said “it’s Jarecki,” Bob always replied with “Hello, Andrew.” I mean that man definitely killed at least 5 people and probably countless cats, but he never let that human personification of a dyed goatee get away with something almost as bad as murder.
  • Oh yeah, Jarecki The Garbage Monster neglected to mention that Bobbie almost definitely had something to do with the disappearance of 2 teenage girls. Or that he left a severed cat head on the door step of the judge presiding over the Galveston trial. OR that he got arrested once for peeing on a candy rack in a CVS!!!!
  • WHY DIDN’T JARECKI EVER REVISIT THAT LITTLE TIDBIT ABOUT ROBERT DURST’S FATHER TAKING HIM OUTSIDE TO WATCH HIS MOTHER JUMP TO HER DEATH?! This is arguably the reason WHY he is a serial killer!!! I hate Jarecki so much.
  • Loved that “Annie” poster at the train station.
  • When that prosecutor with the weave was all “sonovabitch” when she saw the two “Beverley Hills” envelopes.
  • DEBRAH LEE CHARATANNNNN! Forever and ever, amen.

One last thing, as much as I hate Jarecki, watch the documentary on Hulu Plus called Capturing The Friedmans. It nearly ruined his career because it’s just another indication of what an imbecile he is, but it’s soooo good despite that little weasel because the subjects are Durst-level wacky.

#AskHerMore Parody Starring Heather Morris

I swear that I always intend to write a blog post that isn’t just an advertisement for a youtube video I or someone else made, but today just isn’t that day.

I made this little ditty for Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls in time for the Oscar’s, and I’m just showing you now because I’m trying to accomplish something in this day and this is the only thing I can decide on doing. Great.

So have you heard of that #askhermore business? It’s basically just all about asking women on the red carpet more questions than just about their appearance and who they’re dating. If you want my very serious and earnest explanation of the video and the hashtag click the “Amy Poehler” hyperlink in the previous paragraph.

Listen, I don’t care if you ask someone about their dress and their appearance. I really like attractive people and I like them on my movie screens fo’ sho’. But, the reality is it would also be really simple to start asking women about stuff that has to do with their career or any kind of question that would actually require them to use the jello mold living upstairs in that pretty head of theirs. Also, I think as a country, all of our contempt towards the Kardashians has been woefully misplaced, and we should all ask ourselves why we have let Guiliana Rancid (HAS ANYONE MADE THAT CONNECTION YET??? COPYRIGHT! COPYRIGHT! I’M USING IT FOR MY ROLLER DERBY NAME!!!) walk this Earth foot loose and fancy free of ridicule until this week. Finally, finally, this week that woman had to apologize for the damage she is doing to women in this country. (E!) True (Hollywood) Story, one time I drank a bottle of wine by myself and cried while I watched Fashion Police because I was so sad that anyone would participate in a show that was only meant to ridicule women WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIVES!!!

Anyway, here’s my video, and down with the Patriarchy.

Wine Time is a Divine Time

I know when I post videos up on this thing they just ping pong out into the ether of the world wide web and nobody watches them (I have site stats! I know you people don’t care about my illustrious youtube career!). But today, I will post a video anyway, one I think you should watch because you might just learn something. Actually, I guarantee you will learn something because the video is a 90 second lesson on the Paso Robles wine region and I know that the dwindling audience of this blog has very little to contribute to the Paso Robles wine conversation.

Am I wrong??? Am I???

Anyway, the video is from the company Second Glass, and it’s full of pictures flashing about the screen to keep you occupied. Give it a watch! My sexy boyfriend Nate made it! Don’t tell him I used his name on this blog because he doesn’t find my Carrie Bradshaw antics charming in the slightest! Can you believe I’m still using Carrie Bradshaw as a reference? Next I’ll start posting quotes “by” Marilyn Monroe. You all know she never said any of those things right? Neither did Coco Chanel or Audrey Hepburn! You know who has real quotes? Joan Didion! Joan Didion has quotes for days! Read a book sometime why don’t you!

Okay, watch this video and become the hottest smarty pants at your next dinner party.