The Fictional Carrie Scale of Poor Decision Making Skills

The fictional Carries of film and television have a long and storied history of using questionable judgement. Because their life choices are so varied in their levels of stupidity, Carries are the perfect subject for a scale that can measure the poor decision making skills of others.

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Homeland Spoiler Alerts Ahead:  I’m being really nice letting you know because at this point you should have stopped procrastinating and finished the second season. You can’t just keep backlogging episodes while we all walk on eggshells. Next time you get no warning. Put aside a wine and snuggle weekend and just finish that shit! 

0-2, or Carrie Heffernan: Carrie of King of Queens is a hottie whose status is confirmed by another hottie, Zack Morris. Despite spending a magical summer with him at Malibu Sands Beach Club, she somehow ends up with a fat UPS worker. Though she is way out of her husband’s league, he does put up with her father that lives with them and almost ruins their lives every 22 minutes, something Zack probably wouldn’t deal with. Overall, not such a terrible decision, depending on your feelings for Kevin James.

3-5, or Carrie White: Carrie in Carrie is only a 3-5 because she couldn’t really help going all telekinesis-y, and it was the other kids’ faults for the pig’s blood. The bad decision was not listening to her mother that everyone was going to laugh at her if she went to prom. However crazy your mom might be, she’s usually right about that stuff. Know when to take good advice.

6-8, or Carrie Bradshaw: It is my opinion that the difference between being a girl and being a woman is whether or not you believe that Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City is an acceptable role model. How many Style Network marathons did it take for you to realize she’s a needy, selfish woman? Putting aside whether or not she should have married Aidan, the dude offered to refinish her floors foh’ FREE, and after only a couple hours with the noise of the sander, she gives him some attitude, goes to a hotel and CHEATS on him! You did not have to do him like that, Carrie. You could have just written at Starbucks like the rest of us. That is some above average poor decision making.

9-10, or Carrie Mathison: For all the terrible, unavailable men Carrie Bradshaw dated, she never came close to dating the multi-hyphenate of awful that is Brody, the ginger-husband-father-terrorist that Carrie Mathison of Homeland fell in love with. I mean, you risk your life and career for this dude, and when you almost say you love him, he tells you “careful”?! Does this guy know he’s a terrorist?! AND A GINGER? Not only are you in love with a married, suicide vest wearing red head, you like him more than he likes you. If you’ve hit this red zone you should seek help immediately because you are now way beyond dating politicians with golden shower fetishes, and we need to adjust your medication before you start having jazz fits.

Homeland Could Be Jazzier

It’s Friday night and I’m doing a ‘lel blogging.

Did you know that one of the great things about being single is that you can eat Indian food whenever you want and nobody cares (except the two parents you live with but they can’t break up with you, so whatever). Also, I’ve watched two different programs today that included a moos-tach-ee-ode Steve Harvey, and I taught myself how to cross-stitch. Steve was giving some advice on marriage and I learned a lot, so if any gentleman would like me to embroider you a t-shirt made out of some wife material jus. leh. meh. know.

To carry you into the weekend, I’d like to share a video with you that you’ll only get if you watch Homeland. If you’ve never seen Homeland, go watch the two seasons and then while you’re at it watch Nashville, but before both of those watch Happy Endings, and then come back and watch this video created by the hilarious Julie Klausner for Vulture.com (click-y clack-y scat, scat, scat below).

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Karmin and Lizzie McGuire: Beacons of Morality

In the same vein of Barbara Walter’s 10 most fascinating people of 2012, I would like to announce the person I’ve found to be most fascinating to me this year:

20120924-karmin-cover-306x-1348500583Karmin!

Now I realize Karmin is actually a group comprised of two engaged people, but for all intents and purposes it’s really just one person, the pretty lady. Even Rolling Stone doesn’t want to waste time acknowledging them as two people.

My fascination with them/her is with her ability to keep this charade going that her fiance isn’t a totally useless entity and why she hasn’t just started giving him the wrong locations or times to their gigs and appearances. The fact that she is dragging this out is really annoying me. Is she really so loyal that despite how obvious it is that she’s the real star of the group, she’s going to let him hang around?

I feel like he just started out as someone who could play background music and do harmonies while she sang in those Youtube videos, and then when she told him she thought her stage name should be Karmin, he was like, that’s a weird name for a band, but okay I guess we can call ourselves Karmin, and she felt too guilty correcting him.

But ma’am needs to loosen up those morals because this is starting to bug me. Like, I was never a big Lizzie McGuire or Hilary Duff fan back during the time that she must refer to as her pre-baby glory days. Besides the fact that I thought Disney was insulting my preteen intelligence by trying to pass Hilary off as a singer, I couldn’t stand the implausible moral high ground that Lizzie was always taking. I didn’t watch many episodes, but the only one I can remember is when Lizzie gets discovered as a model but gives it up because she didn’t get to spend enough time with her friends and they were getting disappointed. Karmin is Lizzie right now. Being way nicer and moral than anyone is expecting of them.

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The only reason why some high powered music exec hasn’t told her “you’re great, kid, we wanna sign you, you’ll be a big star! Just lose the boy!” which movies and TV have taught us is how the music industry works, is because Ellen Degeneres discovered them. Ellen, her morals, and Converse shoes probably gave birth to Lizzie McGuire herself. She would never make Karmin get rid of her useless, straight fiance just in the name of fame and making logical sense.

This just seems so obvious to everyone but the lady-half of Karmin. Also, who would pick their friends over modeling, and why is this a relevant lesson Disney felt the need to teach children? Why are they trying to create less models and more friends? Still so stupid after all these years.

7 Questions They Should Answer on “Girl Meets World”

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As you may know by now, there will be a new spinoff of the seminal 90’s classic Boy Meets World called Girl Meets World, which centers around Topanga and Cory’s daughter, Riley. Lucky for us, Danielle Fishel and Ben Savage have nothing better to do than reprise their roles, and I’m actually kind of looking forward to it. I was a big fan of the original series and followed it pretty closely, so there are some questions I have about the way the show left off that I hope they address:

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1. What mental illness did Eric end up having? A likely scenario might be that in college, Eric’s dormant schizophrenia (or something) is finally uprooted due to an ecstasy bender, which has gone undiagnosed for years until he goes missing and Cory finds him a week later on a New York City park bench. This sounds harsh, but I remember an episode  where Eric thinks he’s psychic and another where the gang finds him hanging out in the campus cafe pastry case. Only in children’s television does that make you quirky and not chemically imbalanced.

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2. How is Mister Feeny coping with the reality of dying alone? From the time where we last left him until today, Mr. Feeny has obviously been forced into retirement, and I imagine he’s finally starting to realize that as much as Cory, Shawn, Topanga, and Eric felt like his children when they were young, it is no substitute for having kids of your own who feel morally obligated by blood to change your diaper and visit you on Christmas. Now that he’s not right across the fence anymore, visiting George at the nursing home is inevitably less of a priority for the gang, as life and responsibilities of adulthood get in the way.

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3. Is Topanga still in denial about Cory being on the down-low? Nobody is supposed to platonically love their friend as much as Cory loves Shawn unless this is 1950’s Alabama and “best friend” or “roommate” is the closest relationship two men can have with each other.

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4. Has Shawn become even more embittered over the realization that he will never have a successful relationship with a woman thanks to being abandoned  by the only two women he has ever loved (his mother and Angela)? By college, Shawn went from ladies man to sensitive, orphan poet/total drag. Instead of bouncing from one sexual tryst to the next (this is what was happening, okay, Disney?), he finally accepted commitment and love from a female when Angela came along, until she leaves him exactly like his mother did. I’ve seen men become cold women haters over a lot less than that, so good luck to all the fictional women Shawn has left in his wake after his permanent regression.

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5. How many years into their marriage did it take for Topanga to finally break down and let Shawn make love to her the way a woman should be made love to? I think we can all agree that Cory has no idea what he’s doing.

A beautiful story of co-dependence.

A beautiful story of co-dependence.

6. How much does Topanga resent Corey for holding her back from Yale and never supporting her in anything? FIRST, Cory tells Topanga not to go to Yale and she LISTENS, and instead goes to a school that 3 confirmed idiots- Cory, Shawn, and Eric- could get into. Then in the last episode, Topanga gets a job in New York City and almost doesn’t accept it because Cory would like to remain a man-child in the comforting bosom of Philadelphia while his parents and Mr. Feeny continue raising him. He only goes because Shawn reminds him that the night Cory lost his virginity he also gained a wife that he’s supposed to take into consideration when making decisions, and then Shawn goes, “ha ha just kidding, I’ll come with you,” and Cory’s like, “okay, I’ll go.” Basically, Cory is the worst husband ever who isn’t even that cute.

Hopefully, the writers actually want to “go there” and then this really becomes a story about Topanga and all of her wasted potential as she divorces Cory and becomes the proverbial “girl” in Girl Meets World. If you ask me, this would also make a great novel and yes, I would love to write it and don’t steal my idea.

But most importantly…

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7. Will they do another slasher movie Halloween episode or is glamorizing mass murder amongst adolescents on a children’s television show irresponsible in a post Columbine America? I can see where it’s probably not the best idea, but to play Devil’s advocate, it was my favorite episode.

Liz and Dick

This is my official recap of Liz and Dick:

That side-by-side was the biggest thing I took away from the movie, but if you insist that I elaborate, I did notice some other stuff:

Silk turbans. And,

One fur hat is not enough fur hats for one person to own.

I already had that fur hat from last year, which marks the second time I have owned a garment that Lindsay Lohan has worn in a movie:

THIS Abercrombie sweatshirt from Herbie Fully Loaded, THANK YOOOOU.

I bet you thought I was going to snark all over this, but you obviously don’t know me and my campy sensibilities. I loved every second of this, and not ironically. In general, I’m a fan of a good Lifetime movie, particularly if it’s a Lifetime movie about Elizabeth Taylor played by Lindsay Lohan. To be honest, this movie could only be better if it was about Jayne Mansfield played by Mariska Hargitay. And then the only improvement I could make would be to turn it into a movie about Anyone played by Connie Britton. SORRY THAT I HAVE A GREAT ATTITUDE.

My Journey to Accepting Lindsay Lohan

The life of Lindsay Lohan since 2010 has just been one long, disappointing follow-up segment at the end of Intervention, where you see her in treatment, and she’s all smiles and clear skin, saying how now she wants to live! and then the screen goes black, saying “two days later Lindsay checked herself out of treatment and relapsed. She has moved back in with her mother and says she’s been sober since —-.” And that “sober since” date is always, like, a month before you watched the episode so you just know it’s not true. (By the way, it took me an hour to write that paragraph because the second I wrote “follow up” and “Intervention” I said “heyyy, whatever happened to Sarah and Mikeal, the Romeo and Juliet heroin twins?” and then went on a Google bender).

My journey began with being in denial that Lindsay had a problem, to being sure that she could get better and make a comeback, to losing all hope, then gaining a little hope back when she went red again.

But yesterday she missed her call on set for The Canyons, a movie starring a porn actor named James Dean, who couldn’t think to name himself James PEAN because apparently I have to do all the work around here. No matter how much I want her to, she can’t be responsible enough to show up to her job on time or pick a movie that doesn’t involve a porn star or not do a Marilyn Monroe themed photo shoot. I have finally accepted that. And now I can embrace it.

She’s the little train wreck that could. She’s MY little train wreck. I can’t wait to usher in the holiday season with Liz and Dick November 25th.

I’m thinking viewing party and live-blogging. WHO. IS. IN???

Twitter Tuesday: Strippuhhhhs!

Today, instead of making fun of Courtney Stodden’s twitter (which btw, I don’t know what they did to her at Couples Therapy [and I will find out] but since she came back, her tweets don’t have the same uncomfortable sexual innuendos of an underage girl who really took to the alliteration lesson in her 7th grade English class) I’ll be going into further detail of an old tweet I wrote this summer about the Citizen Kane of stripper movies.
I realize a post on Magic Mike isn’t exactly topical, and there are more pressing and timely matters to discuss, like Honey Boo Boo announcing her official support of “Marak” Obama. However, since Sunday’s conclusion of Real Housewives of New Jersey, I feel that the topic of strippers is relevant again, though, when do G-strings and body glitter ever go out of style? I think Nina Garcia would agree that they are timeless staples for every man and woman’s wardrobe.

For those of you who don’t watch RHNJ, Teresa Guidice accused her sister in-law Melissa, and her ex-best friend Jacqueline of being strippers.

After three full hours of Melissa batting her big, beautiful fake eyelashes in disappointment and Teresa nearly popping a blood vessel trying to convince everyone that she and her brother would have made a stunning couple (aww, just imagine little Gia with two thumbs on one hand), Joe Gorga (her brother) gleefully admitted that it was he who stripped through college, not his wife. It was hilarious and endearing that Joe was a stripper, no one was wondering if Joe had a weird uncle that indirectly set him on this path of moral depravity. Yet for Melissa and Jacqueline, it would be considered a huge shame on them if they really did meet their husbands while stripping (that’s a meet-cute if I’ve ever heard one!).

Which brings me back to my original point about Magic Mike. They kind of made out male strippers to be men contributing as much to society as volunteer firefighters- doing their part along with 50 Shades of Grey to liberate middle aged women from their sexual repression. In real life, Channing Tatum was a stripper, and everyone thought it was so funny that he was on the Ellen Show handing out lap dances like Halloween candy. Meanwhile, the media tells Diablo Cody to go to her room and think about what she did while she writes the Sweet Valley High movie adaption. Unfair! Everyone should have the equal opportunity to strip guilt-free no matter what your gender.

 Support a woman’s right to let her do her!

 This is America, dammit!

 

 

 

7 Reasons Why I’m Ill Equipped to Have a Baby

I’m at an age where many of my friends, acquaintances, and people I don’t really know (but I feel like I know because I spend so much tracking their baby bump progress on Facebook) are settling down. It always starts with your high school friends and acquaintances. You can tell which girls will get married or pregnant first based on how over plucked their eyebrows are. Don’t ask me why it’s true, but “if their brow bones aren’t hairy, they’re the first ones to marry” is a great rule of thumb.

Next comes your college friends. At around 25, the wedding invitations start trickling in. Then from their it’s just the slow death march of all your friends moving back to the suburbs to start mommy blogs while you’re in the middle of the city screaming “but I’m an independent woman!!!” to no one.

But that’s the way it must be for some of us. I’m just mature enough to know that I’m way too immature to be in charge of another human for a very long time. I could be trusted to watch a child. I’m a great baby sitter. I do this thing when I tuck the kids in: “snug as a bug in a rug.” They die over it. But when you’re baby sitting, you’re with these kids, what? 5, 6 hours? The likelihood of you accidentally killing them in that amount of time is low. If I’m entrusted with a baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week…. let’s just say I can’t believe more people don’t forget that they left their kid sleeping in a hot car.

And THAT, my friends is only one reason why giving me a baby a mistake, but there are many more, like:

  1. Everyone would get tired of my 24 year old self whining, “this is kids raising kids!”

    I like to think that the red head I’m most like is Lucille Ball, but I know it’s really Garfield.

  2. I am lazy. Last night I slept in my bra because it would have been too much to wrestle that thing out of my sweatshirt. 
  3. My desired sleep schedule is closest to a baby bear suffering from mono in winter. If I don’t get my 12 hours a night, I am just incorrigible.

    Garbage Pail Kids Movie

  4. I don’t like anything gross, and babies are just a sticky ball of uncontrollable bodily functions. Up until very recently, if my dogs pooped in the house, I would just pretend not to see it until someone else in my house did. And that only stopped because my dogs stopped pooping in the house.

    Case in point.

  5. 9 months of no drinking is not an option yet. If you are not ready to give up pumpkin beer for a whole season, I think that’s the clearest indicator that you are not ready for children. 
  6. At this point, if I had a child and gave up on my career for them, they would have no chance of being allowed to pursue any other interest besides drug addled child star with a fame-obsessed mom-ager with hair extensions way too long for her age.

    Queen.

  7. I don’t like having to smell things as a detection method. Like when someone sticks something in your face and says “hey, smell this, does this smell weird?” Parents always seem to be smelling things to figure out if it’s something that came out of a baby, and I’m not up for that kind of case work. This is not Law and Order: SV-P.U.

*Dun-Dun*

(Nailed it).

That’s my time! Thanks, you guys! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.