Why My Mom Shouldn’t Miss Me

So, I thought my mom was missing me when I saw this on her Facebook: Screen shot 2013-07-09 at 9.42.08 PM

{Her computer at work}

But it would appear that circumstances have not improved, as this is what her Facebook profile looks like now:

Screen shot 2013-07-09 at 9.40.35 PM

{Maybe blurring out her name was unnecessary… but, whatever, just don’t stalk my mom, okay?}

The profile picture is me at The Bluebird Cafe in Nashville, taken on our road trip to LA, and her cover photo is of us on St. Patrick’s Day 48 hours before we left for said road trip (I’d like to add that my hair is a particularly fuh-resh shade of brilliant, copper red right there. I always get the roots touched up before St. Patty’s because that is the one day of year when I. AM. QUEEN. Suddenly evvvverybody loves a red head on Irish Day. Where were you people the other 364? Spare me your Jessica Rabbit childhood anecdotes. It is too little too late, friend).

Now, Mom, I know it must be hard for your oldest child to move across the country, but I feel like I have to remind you that I wasn’t that great to live with, anyway. Sure, I’m fun to go to the mall with and I know how you like your white wine spritzers (half Sprite, half Ginger Ale with a floater of Pinot Greeg that after your first sip will be watered down with more Sprite and Ginger Ale, and garnished with a jar of maraschino cherries), but there are plenty of reasons why your life must be easier now that I’m out of the house, like:

  • I never move the coffee table back when I’m done my exercise videos. It’s kinda heavy and my Jillian Michael’s videos make my arms feelz like Jell-oz!
  • Related: I make you do exercise DVD’s while I drink a glass of wine and yell that you’re doing it wrong.
  • From the Desk of Lynne Sussman: photo-1-8
  • I don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste even when the cap is attached to the toothpaste.
  • The cereal bags always end up ripping straight down the middle when I try to open them.
  • You get mad at me for drinking from all the communal beverages in the fridge (I still don’t see the big deal).
  • You must be saving a fortune from all the 2 Buck Chuck and Greek yogurt you don’t have to buy.
  • No one’s trying to make you eat quinoa anymore.
  • “It’s your tone” -Lynne Sussman

and finally/apparently….

  • I “don’t know how [I] sound sometimes.”

See? I’m pretty much the worst.

Although, who will drive hours with you just to go on binge eating field trips?

IMG_0501We are literally the only people I know who will drive an hour to the beach just to eat and go back home! Oh, Mumsie, I miss you (though I don’t miss you coming into my room screaming at 6am because you can’t find the comb).

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72 Year-Old Woman Arrested During Wendy Davis Filibuster

This is a lil’ inneresting video! A police officer arresting a 72 year-old woman in the gallery at the Wendy Davis’s Filibuster Fun-Time Party of 2013 for… sitting? I guess? She was charged with a felony for resisting arrest (which was later dropped), and I can only hope that at 72 I start getting charged with felonies for being a regulation bad ass.

You know who else is an intelligent, regulation bad ass and an Earth Angel Queen with a majestic waterfall of hair that looks like it’s been kissed by the morning sun?

mag-17Britton-t_CA0-articleLarge Oh. Well, yes. But I actually meant:

Wendy DavisSenator Wendy Davis who is giving us some Hot Rollers and Human Rights realness.

Waaaaait, a second…..

Wendy-Davis-Connie-Britton-Movie-casting

If, hypothetically, they were to make a Wendy Davis biopic starring Connie Britton, would it be so unreasonable to request that she leads a chant of “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” with the gallery of protesters? What if she just whispers it under her breath really fast at the end of a scene? Add a scene for it in the Blue-ray director’s cut?!!

Oh, and one more thing!!!

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Milestone: My First Mean Comment

I can’t believe it took me almost two and a half years of posting on this blog, but it finally happened. I got my first insulting comment!

This little gift was left for me on an older post, The Nice Guys of OKCupid!

It was actually in reply to another comment I had replied to, in which a 22 year-old dude told me I was wrong and he was offended…

OH, WAIT! MILESTONE TWO!

My first offended reader!!!!

The comment from the offended reader was just way too long to post here, but the gist of it was, “you’re wrong about your thoughts and feelings and the thoughts and feelings of other women your age, Certified Vagina Owner. As a 22 year-old dude with a lot of life experience, you can just defer to me and my opinions since your brain is made up of a hollow, dark chocolate Easter bunny filled with Midol pills.”

I mean, in his original argument, he was saying that he’s a nice guy but girls don’t like him, and girls only like assholes, which makes me think that he didn’t even really read the post (maybe because he just couldn’t get over the shock that my dad or brother let me use his computer. It’s a miracle my cup of tea didn’t slip through my delicate lady hands and spill all over the keyboard) because I kind of addressed that myth directly. Not eloquently or intelligently, but I did address it.

In my reply to this kid, I kind of just said, “shut up, 22 year old boy,” and referred him to another article that might help clarify my point. Because I’m just trying to open hearts and minds here, people.

Okay, then came the mean comment (from a different guy):

Screen shot 2013-06-26 at 9.34.58 AMFirst of all, thank you for calling my assertions “hilarious,” but what is questionable about Tom Hanks being nice? Scientists have been studying him for years and they came up with that conclusion, not me. Secondly, why do I have to choose between being mentally deficient OR trying to get attention? And I thought that by having a blog it was just implied that I am looking for attention?

Andy, I can see where you got your last name, “Wisdom” (what is that, Greek?). Everyone does have flaws. Like for me, the proportions of my individual body parts are totally out of whack: my hands and wrists are abnormally small, so you’d think that I’d have some really tiny feet, right? Nope! A totally average size 8!

Also, what are these separate flaws that “assholes” and “nice guys” have? Because please, oh, please, remember that the whole point of the post (that I don’t think you read) is that a [QUOTE] Nice Guy [END QUOTE] is really just an asshole in sheep’s clothing, not a genuine and kind man.

And listen, I’m not saying that women don’t date assholes and then write off guys who treat them with respect. There are plenty of woman who do. If that didn’t happen then all the strip clubs across this great nation would be empty and we’d have to turn them all into libraries and soup kitchens. Saying that we ALL date people who treat us badly is just a lazy, sweeping generalization that is patronizing to women.

So, thank you, Andy Wisdom, you made my day because you haven’t really made it until people start insulting you. Hopefully, one day soon I’ll hit it big and have thousands and thousands of followers, and then I can finally start tweeting things like “Good Morning, Haterz! xox #soblessed”

OR

“Can’t see haterz! #raybans #michelobultra #BFFs #livelaughlove #sorrynotsorry #sweetsummer”

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Throwback Thursday: Me in High School

I realized just now that I’ve never mentioned much about my time in high school on this blog. Since you’re probably having a tough time functioning in normal society without having even a cursory knowledge of my lower educational experience, I will regale you with some stories of my completely typical youth as a musical theatre nerd. I’d tell you about junior high when I was a chubby brunette who believed in fairies and briefly dabbled in Wicca, but that was a dark time we can revisit on another Throwback Thursday.

For now, we can start with the setting for most of my prominent high school memories, my community musical theatre group.

196747_1002761749449_2855_n{My brother and me posing in production photos for the show, A Year with Frog and Toad}

I wish I could say that I spent my weekends drinking in the woods with my field hockey team, but in reality, I didn’t spend any time with people I went to class with. Instead, for most of high school I was in one show or another and I’d spend Saturday nights watching movies like Basket Case in the basement of the girl who played The Baker’s Wife in Into the Woods. 

208318_1003443449473_9729_n {That’s me, wearing just a host of things that don’t match, with a basket on my head, reenacting a scene from the seminal classic horror film, Basket Case}

But, listen, we theatre kids had some boozy, all-American Pie style fun, too. I have some fond memories of planning cocktail parties with my best gal pal, Ian:

200772_1002779792906_1594_nThat’s a little greeting card I made with some vintage MS Paint software. And who is Muffy and Biff? Why, that’s the married, upper class, Connecticut WASP personas we created for ourselves that would throw these parties. Because who else would put out a spread of hors d’oeuvres and request that party guests wear festive cocktail attire? Certainly not high school students.

With all of this information, you might think I was too much of a loser to actually date in high school… and then you’d be WRONG. I had one boyfriend, and he played the Beast in Beauty and the BEAST, thankyouverymuch!!!

206777_1002780872933_3405_nHere’s a disposable camera picture of me when I was a sophomore during my boyfriend’s senior prom (ummm, yeah, my boyfriend was 18 AND played the title character in a New Hampshire children’s community theatre production… I can’t believe I wasn’t homecoming queen, either). I remember a few weeks before prom I had just bought my dress, and I was pretty angry with my boyfriend of maybe 5 or 6 months. He told me that saying “I love you” made him “physically ill” and asked if we could please go back to just casually dating? And I was all, “yeah, sure, that probably won’t contribute to any kind of crippling trust issues in my adult life!” But, I questioned whether I was really okay with this new arrangement. My dad told me that I could dump him if I wanted to, regardless of the $400 dress, but I stuck it out for a few more months. Then, a couple days after we went to the Oasis concert I bought us tickets to for his birthday, he dumped me over the phone.

With my best friend and her boyfriend (his best friend), we drove to the summer camp he worked at and I dropped off a bag full of his stuff including some Buddha beads he gave me for Valentine’s Day and his Beauty and the Beast cast tee-shirt. Then we stopped for lunch, and I held back tears in a Boston Market like the little soldier that I am.

After that, I vowed to never date another actor, until I dated another actor in college and, like, really vowed to never date another actor.

Flash forward to my own senior prom:  promThat’s me with my gay date. The proof that he is gay and not my boyfriend is that he has the same hair color as me and I would sooner put out a cigarette in my eye than date a fellow ginger.

I didn’t really want to go to my senior prom, but I knew my mom wanted me to, so I sucked it up. You can really tell that I didn’t care about going since I used the same dress I wore to my sophomore prom and because in that picture my skin color is at its resting tone. If I care about what I’m doing, you better believe I’m bathing in tubs of Jergens natural glow moisturizer until that main event.

Okay, what else, what else…. I own(ed) the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode soundtrack, memorabilia script, and sheet music. I had some blunt bangs for a while. I’d go to Rocky Horror midnight showings, which is the symptom of the worst kind of theatre nerd. So, ya, that was high school for me. A lot of gay people and pancake stage make- up. I wish I had more pictures to show you, but it’s hard to locate them because Facebook wasn’t really a thing then. Which, by the way, thank GOD because I got into enough trouble with my DeadJournal. And then my subsequent LiveJournal. And then Myspace.

LORDE- Royals

I found this music video on Jezebel.com this morning and I can’t stop listening to it while moving my shoulders in a suggestive manner as I obsessively refresh Twitter in my matching pajama set.

Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is a 16 year-old girl from New Zealand, and, like, good for her or whatever, but I’m 24 and have a cool blog I do for free, so I guess she and Jackie Evancho aren’t the only child prodigies in this world. I have some other really impressive things happening for me, too. Yesterday, I figured out how to game the Chipotle system* and last week I invented putting an egg on my leftover steak burrito bowl for breakfast.

Am I gifted?

Listen, I’m just trying to live my life like any normal kid.

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*Order online, check off the “guacamole” option, then in the special instructions ask for it on the side. They will get confused and give you guac both on the bowl AND on the side, but only charge you for one. Remember not to jump off your roof, though, because when you pull this off, you’ll think you can fly.

What I’ve Done Today

Well, after waking up, making coffee and breakfast, and taking a quick 2 hour nap, I did something I’m not proud of:

RE: Anti-feminism blog written by a woman who asserts that Jodi Arias killed her ex-boyfriend because…feminism

jodiariasfemCan I please have a job now? Things are dark here.

(Luckily, I’m not so far gone or bored that I feel the need to reply back to this).

This exchange brings up something scary (besides my feminist self running around town slitting the throats of young, virile men because I voted for Hillary in the primary election), I realized I was following this woman’s blog. I think I just hit the “feminism” tag on WordPress and just clicked on everything that came up. Who else could I be following? Am I on a list somewhere because I accidentally followed an Al Qaeda sympathizer blog after I clicked on a bunch of blogs with “Jessica Chastain” tags when Zero Dark Thirty came out? Is that how Al Qaeda gets you?!

HELPPPP MEEEEE!!!!!!

Vote for Me!!!!

 badassblogawards

Thanks to all of your help, I was nominated for Best LifeStyle Blog and Funniest Blog on the Indie Chicks website! So if you want to go over (click on the picture to to be take to the site) and vote for me in both categories that would be fantastic and much appreciated. I don’t think I get anything but validation if I win, but that’s like cash in the bank to a needy comedian.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Now that my mom and I live in different time zones, I constantly have to worry about her spoiling my favorite shows.

These are some texts from last night. I think she’s beginning to understand the sentiment #SorryImNotSorry…. she’s so hip.

photo 1 photo 2

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!

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Could You Do Me a Favsies?

badassblogawards2Hey, friends! I feel like in the last two years that we’ve known each other I haven’t asked for much from you, but I was hoping I could cash in a little favor… I humbly ask that you consider nominating me for “Funniest Blogger” on this website. It takes two seconds, and if I were to win, it would give me just enough validation to keep me going in Los Angeles for another two weeks. Speaking of giving up, I did my first stand up open mic last night, and a male comic asked me if I was going to quit, move back to NH, and marry my college boyfriend. And I said “HEY, SIRRRR, jokes on you because I never HAD a boyfriend in college!”

5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

WWCBDHow do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

  1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial. screen-shot-2013-04-25-at-1-11-50-pm
  2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show. BUT IN MY DEFENSE!!! I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
  3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
  4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time. cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946
  5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama looooves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! I’m Mama!

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hawk osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent, but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on ebay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn! Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

gwyneth_paltrow_and_mother_blythe_dannerLook at her! That bitch is regal!