Brunch: It’s the most important meal of the week. It serves as the foundation for your entire week, your relationships, friendships and way of life. Brunch should never be taken lightly; it’s a serious engagement that deserves respect, attention and the right amount of TLC.
As a twenty something, you should view brunch as your guide to understanding your life and because of this, it should be prescribed regularly.
Because brunch can be an intricate mind game, I decided I would come up with the rules or brunch to help you understand what exactly is expected of you at brunch and to ensure that you get the most out of your brunching experience.
1. Brunch is not brunch without alcohol (unless you’re under 21 or a recovering alcoholic–then we can let this slide). The whole reason for brunch is to wash away the destruction you did the night before. You can’t possibly do that with a yogurt parfait and water, so be sure you start your day off right with a mimosa/bloody mary (or five, whatever you want to do).
2. Brunch should only occur with important people in your life. Brunch is a time for honesty. Did you do something stupid last night? People who care about you are going to tell you that you’re dumb, acquaintances will not. Brunch is a time for catching up. You don’t care what an acquaintance has been doing, but you totally need to know about your friend’s new beau or job. Save paltry lunches for acquaintances, because brunch is about a deep-seeded love that only people who matter can fill.
3. Brunch is about dishing on your latest escapes with no shame. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a hole-in-the-wall brunch spot or a fancy restaurant, this is the time you tell you friends about the crazy one night stand or rendezvous you had. Maybe you got some crazy sex toy from Adam and Eve? Who cares, dish about it. While brunch is a time for honesty, it’s also a no judgement zone.
4. Don’t worry about what you look like. Brunch is about wearing last night’s eyeliner. Always. Just smear it back in place. It’s not like you’re going to meet any single guys there anyway. The majority of men at brunch are gay or with their girlfriend’s. On second thought, you might bump into your ex and his new girlfriend, so at least run a comb through that hair, you lazy alch-y.
5. Brunch should not be hurried. Like a good wine, brunch should be savored and enjoyed. Don’t rush it like some undergrad beer bonging water down beer. Brunch can be a spiritual experience, like shoe shopping, and needs to be regarded as such. If you don’t have at least an hour, if not three, to dedicate to brunching, skip it. You can’t possibly work out all your problems, relationship woes and drama in under an hour. Don’t worry, servers love it when you take up their table for 3 hours.
6. Brunch only happens between the hours of 11AM and 3PM on a Saturday or Sunday. A meal before 11AM on the weekend (or anytime really) is breakfast. A meal after 3PM is a late lunch or dinner. Don’t mess with brunch and schedule it super early or late. This is not Nam. This is brunch. There are rules! Lebowski fans, anyone? Bueller? No? Fine.
7. Finally, brunch is a celebration (of life, love, happiness, success…) and should always be had when there is a reason to celebrate. Honor your good news and pair it with brunch, because there’s no better feeling than fluffy french toast topped with success and maple syrup.
Did your last brunch stand up to the rules?