Clothes I Look Stupid In:* Part 2

Like I said in Clothes I Look Stupid In: Part 1, there are some trendy styles that I see on 6 foot tall models with normal sized heads that I wish I could wear, but know that said trend wouldn’t translate on the lollipop of a human that I am.

For a while now, furs of any kind have been on my No Fly List of trends, as in “this fur vest ain’t gonna fly *diva snap.*” Lately, however, the promise of looking like a Real Housewife has outweighed my fear of looking stupid.

Like this hat:

See that dimple? That's for you.

Now look at this:

Sonja Wearing Russian Hat

Sonja of RHNY looking like Funny Girl up in here

Or this:

Lisa Vanderpump of RHBH looking like a boss

 Have you ever seen anything like it? Magnificent.

My hat is an Albertus Swanepoel for Target…. I’ve never heard of him either, but I guess he’s a hat maker, and I feel extra Housewives-y knowing I have a hat from a real hat maker, not from a 2 year old Cambodian orphan… not to say that my new pal Albie actually made this hat… wait, this was made in China…so more than likely this was made by the nimble fingers of a toddler, but at least it was designed by a fancy man and not from a recent design school grad hipster.

Final thought: Do I look like a Russian going into one of those frozen vodka bars in Vegas in that hat?

 

 

**JK, I don’t look stupid in that hat, I look ADORABLE
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My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you like that blog post title? That’s my clever ploy to get the traffic from all the people googling the lyrics to that song. Sorry, you won’t find them here! But please, read on despite my trickery.

To the real information: I think one of the most depressing things in life besides like, dying, is the time spent celebrating holidays right after you grow up but before you have little kids. During this time, the magic is all gone from the holiday until you have kids of your own and can experience the holiday through their eyes (but no pressure to have kids and stuff. This is not a blog that feeds into social conventions, no sir. Live your life, okay?)

Sure, there’s some new, fun things about the holidays when you’re young and fabulous- sparkly red dresses and the excuse to get tanked like, every day between Thanksgiving up until New Years, but I don’t think it matches the happiness of being a kid and getting presents from your gift list.

When I was a kid I remember getting so pumped when the new JCPenny toy catalogue would come in the mail, and I’d chill out in the bathroom for like, an hour and read it. Getting a ton of frivilous presents was expected. It was okay for me to make lists, actual lists of things I didn’t need. Last year I think I got some Crest Whitestrips… like, I asked for them, but still how depressing that this is what my life has come to?

Anyway, this year I’m going to make a list with no real expectation of getting anything, but I figure it’s like a little vision board? I’m attracting presents into my life! Here’s some things I want (it is important to note that I will accept these gifts from anyone, hint hint Northern New Hampshire Male Correctional Facility 😉 ).


{Hunter Rain Boots, $125. I feel like these are an investment- I had to throw out my cheapish J.Crew ones because they started to leak. Ya know, rain boots have ONE job to do. Not to look cute, just to keep water out and it’s crazy how few of them actually accomplish that.}

{Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray, $39.99. It’s kind of expensive for hair product, but I read in Allure once that Mary Kate and/or Ashley used this at a shoot and told the stylist they were “stealing it,” so I’m all in.}

{Momofuku Milk Bar Cookbook $20 on Amazon. Momofuku is a trendy-pants bakery in NYC where they sell things like cereal milk ice cream or something and chocolate chip cookies with pretzels in them. This book teaches you how to make all that and more, including something called ‘crack pie,’ so I need to know what that’s all about.}

{Fancy Coat. This one is from Piperlime.com for $109. I need this mostly because I bought this fabulous/ridiculous faux fur hat that I can’t wear with a North Face. Also, apparently huge parkas aren’t appropriate to wear for every single occasion, like weddings, funerals or clubs.}

{Limited Edition Urban Decay Book of Shadows Gift Set, $64. I will also happily take any of the cheaper gift sets, this one just comes with a portable speaker… which I’m not sure that I need or can use (I don’t have an iPod, and my iPhone speakers are nice and loud) but I want it anyway!!!}

This is just a working list, of course. I probably want more stuff.

American Eagle Jewelry Collection

Back in high school- mostly sophomore and junior year- American Eagle was my jam. I got all my jeans there because they sold petites that not only fit my stunted legs, but strangely proportioned hips to waist ratio. Their graphics tees? All day every day. Winter hats? You know I tried to wear them, but one-size fits all generally only applies to me with men’s hats.

I even remember a friend saying she was going to buy some stuff from American Eagle, but went to a different store instead because she figured that AE was “my thing.” Which makes me wonder what kind of tyrant I was in high school or if she was just extremely thoughtful in ensuring that we didn’t start inadvertently showing up places in the same outfit. I guess we’ll never know.

Anyway, I stopped shopping there for reasons unknown, and haven’t been back for years, until this weekend when I did a little perusing of their jewelry selection.

I must say, I’m pretty impressed. They’re boho enough to make me look like a free spirit, but not so much so that I look like I play hackie sack. They’re inexpensive, but don’t look like they might rot your ear lobe off like a Forever 21 earring (which, I’m not saying I’m too good for or anything, I love some poorly made, trendy, $3 jewelry).

I’m really into their rings and bracelets, but they have some cute necklaces, too. Everything seems to run between $12-$20, and right now they have a buy one, get one half off sale. These are some of my favorites that I want to buy, wear, and then pretend I’m Drew Barrymore.

Clothes I Look Stupid In

What I think a lot of fashion forward ladies don’t realize is that there are a lot of clothes that are attractive to other females, but not to men. Like, God bless Rachel Zoe and her husband Roger because she certainly doesn’t dress for him, so they must be trying to keep their marriage fresh in other ways.

I don’t really care too much about guys liking the clothes I wear, however sometimes the reason why guys don’t like certain lady clothes that we like is because they have a valid point. Like, they look totally silly or unflattering. Examples of these kinds of items would be: boyfriend jeans, headbands you wear on your fourhead like an Olsen twin, and big fur vests. Truly, I don’t care if guys think I look dumb in these things, I just can’t get over that I know I look dumb. But I really, really want to wear them anyways!

1. Boyfriend Jeans

They should rename these “you better already have a boyfriend jeans” because you won’t be attracting any new ones while wearing them. They’re essentially just baggy pants cuffed at the bottom. You either have to be completely shapeless and tall with some thin and brittle Pretty Little Liars ankles and thighs with the circumference of a baseball bat or… Jennifer Aniston. I have a hard enough time finding jeans that fit me (short legs and an unusually low butt. I’m not imagining this) without having to find baggy jeans that look presentable.

2. Headbands worn around your forehead.

You couldn’t possibly understand how much I want this to work out for me, but there are two problems: 1. I have an enormous head. This has been proven by a certain community theatre costume designer who pointed out to me in high school that my head measurement was bigger than all of the girls and most of the guys in our cast. This trend tends to look better on people with normal sized skulls. 2. Fashion-y fourheadbands don’t seem to go with Old Navy compression pants, so I’m not sure I have anything to pair them with in my wardrobe.

3. Fur Vests


This is another trend that only looks good on tall people. After all the fur vests I have tried on I have never not looked like a hybernating cub who has put on a lot of winter weight in their torso. I guess if you think about it, adding an inch of girth to your mid-section by way of fur can’t be too attractive if you’re short because you just end up looking shorter. It’s a hard notion to accept, but I really don’t think I’ll be growing 5 more inches so my modeling career and fur vest wearing days were over before they even began.

Old Navy Compression Pants

I’m not so sure what exactly happened, but in the past 6 months I’ve been circulating a total of 3-4 outfits, which mainly consist of some type of yoga pant or capri and some kind of off the shoulder sweatshirt. I was going to say that sounds worse than it is, but when I think about it, it’s exactly as bad as it sounds. A constant rotation of off the shoulder sweatshirts. I’m in a much darker place than I realized.

There are no signs of stopping, either. When I first graduated college and was completely unemployed, the only real reason I had to leave the house was to buy more Lean Pockets or go to the gym. Both of those things can be done in yoga pants. Now I have a long term temp job I work at full time. I knew things were casual at my new place of bidniss, but I thought I would at least have to put together some cute outfits. Then I actually got there and saw my new coworkers. It’s an understatement to say that things are laid back there. Two days ago I sat at the front desk with a baby bulldog on my lap for two hours. There are no less than two dogs in the building at all times. We have pajama day. But if it’s not pajama day and you feel moved to wear pajamas, that’s ok, too. I have literally no incentive to wear anything other than yoga pants and an off the shoulder sweatshirt.

One day, I hope to be a comedy writer/performer. People in this profession are not known for their fashion sense or drive to wear shoes other than Converse. Just youtube some early late night interview clips of Amy Poehler while she was just starting out on SNL. You will see what I mean.

In the foreseeable future, I don’t expect that I will need to wear real pants, so I’m just going to give in to this and stock up on some knock-off Lululemons. I found some nice Lulu look alikes at Target a little while back, and now Old Navy has some stuff, too.

Old Navy, $15-$35

These new compression pants at Old Navy are great. I would say they work as a nice bra for your butt because they are so tight, but not tight in a tragic, camel toe kind of way (as long as you get the right size). Apparently, compression pants are supposed to help with soreness or something, but I can’t really tell if that’s true or not. Alls I know is that my booty is lookin’ real fine in these. I can walk by a mirror, do a little spin, and give that booty butt a nod of approval.

Vegas Part 1: Packing

I planned on posting this before I left for Vegas, but I didn’t finish packing in time to do so. I do this cute little thing where I tell myself I’ve finished packing in advance, but don’t actually put anything in my suitcase until midnight the morning of.

Gap jeans, Target Shirt, Sofft sandals, Rayban Wayfarers, Betsey Johnson Rose necklace, My mom's vintage cuff

This was actually the most prepared I have ever been for a trip since I put out a traveling outfit the night before. I wanted to wear something like this, but what I wore did its intended job (making me un-naked in an airport) just fine.

For the record, I packed all this jewelry and wore the same necklace and earrings every day. This is still a step up considering I usually wear the same yoga pants every day instead. I don’t like variety.

Sparkly dress from Arden B

Sparkle clutch from J. Crew, Flower ring from Baubles and Lace in Boston (a knock off of the Sex and the City ring). I did not actually pack an empty bottle of Dom.

The plane ride in was great, mostly because at my Chicago layover there was a Garrett’s popcorn and you know how much Oprah and I love our cheese and caramel Chicago Mix. I almost missed the plane, but everyone thought my tardiness for popcorn was charming. Then everyone couldn’t help but smile when I started getting cheesy finger prints every where.

 

Halloween Costume Ideas

Tomorrow is September, which means from now until the end of October I will be frantically trying to decide on what I should be for Halloween, until the day before when I just go out and buy the last pre-made costume they have.

I’ve been trying to think of red heads I could dress up as, and here are some options:

I could buy these Jeffrey Campbell platforms and be Ginger Spice.

Eh.

This dress from Lulus.com could be a Jessica Rabbit costume…

Nope. Too much pressure!

   Chuckie Finster?

Or this Chucky?

But I’ll probably just be lazy and buy something like this.

Not quite this costume though because I literally can’t think of anything worse than wearing a bikini top in October…because 1. It’s cold and I’ve never been above wearing a parka to a club, and 2. I can promise you that on Halloween the only thing I will have eaten that day is caramel apples and pumpkin spice lattes…which gives my tummy the rumbley’s so I’ll be nice and gassy. There’s only so much stomach I can suck in.

And for your viewing pleasure, the look book video for Bridget Marquardt’s Halloween costume line. It’s everything I wanted it to be and more.

Steve Madden Platforms

 Look at my new platforms I got on sale online at Steve Madden! My third grade self would never believe that one day I would own Spice Girl platforms such as these. I feel like my mom shouldn’t have let me buy them or something- I feel so powerful! I can wear any kind of shoes I want and no one can stop me!

Styled Like Daria

Daria

Betsey Johnson kitten heels
$70 – modcloth.com

Roksanda Ilincic scoop neck tank
$485 – net-a-porter.com

J Crew green jacket
$100 – jcrew.com

D G leather skirt
€678 – my-wardrobe.com

 

I like to think of myself as a good judge of character (or extremely judgmental), and when I have a first time interaction I can figure out pretty quickly if I could be friends with someone or not.

Usually when I introduce myself to someone, it goes 1 of 3 ways: 1. They hear my name and make a Dora the explorer reference. If you do this, it’s all over between us. The people who call me Dora, or worse, Dara the Explara, always think they are just so darn clever, and I must be so taken with them and their unique observation. I have never met a person who called me Dora and was tolerable to be around.

The other option is 2. They don’t say anything about my name expect for maybe that they’ve never met a Dara or whatever…because why exactly do you need to figure out what my name relates to, anyway? Like, I don’t meet a Lindsay and go “ohhh like Lohan! Do any coke lately?! HIGH FIVE!” but maybe that’s just me and people actually do that. Anyway, this is a toss up, you’re still in the game here- we could get along.

Option 3. They ask me if “I remember that show Daria.” I can tell that we are gonna be friends (did you sing that in your head? If not look up the White Stripes and learn the song. It enhances this experience). I dig these people because for one, they don’t get all up in your face about the reference. Dora the Explorer people lose all sense of physical boundaries with me because they are so psyched with their pop culture reference. People who think of Daria when they hear my name are just a chilled out group of people. I assume these people can hang. Daria was one of my favorite shows when it was on and you can tell a lot about a person based on the TV they watch…and if they tell you they don’t watch TV because they’re just too busy, then they are the worst people of all. Get off your high horse! Don’t make me feel judged because I watch Ice Loves Coco! Ice and Coco have a beautiful and genuine love for one another- how could you not want to watch that?!

Spice Girls: My Fashion Influence

I was doing some cleaning in my room and found a binder I had around the third grade when I wanted to be a fashion designer. There’s several pages of work, but these three drawings were easily the most impressive of the bunch, what with the construction paper and all. What I find most interesting about this (because I won’t pretend to assume that any of you find these pictures interesting) is that it’s so obvious these were made in the 90’s, and I can tell you exactly what I was influenced by when I drew them.

I really put some time into this one- just look at those fireworks! I just want to point out that those shoes (that have toes inside them, but no foot or body attached to said toes) are jellies. For some reason I think Kirsten Dunst was my influence for this one- I think I had just seen the movie Dick. 

Okay, first of all, that hat is supposed to be pleather. Secondly, that shirt is influenced by the shirt the girl wears in the video for the song “Lovefool.” If you were curious, the “W” on those shoes stands for “Whatever.”
This outfit has to be my favorite. The shoes are all sorts of Spice Girls. Do you remember the Spice Girl days? Everyone had some version of platform shoes, and the girls with the highest platforms were the coolest (and according to your mom, had the most neglectful parents. Smaller the platform, better the parent). Now may I direct your attention to the trim on every available seam- this is marabou! If you can remember, Mary Kate and Ashley (on Two of a Kind) always had the fly-est marabou trimmed everything! Also, marabou was all over Clueless the TV show (the movie had decidedly less marabou). Someday I hope to be rich enough to get this entire outfit made.