SoulCycle is Going Public!

What is SoulCycle? What does going public mean?

Well, I’ve known about SoulCycle since the heady first days of Perez Hilton when Microsoft Paint cum drawings flowed from Mischa Barton’s mouth like gold. As a girl I would read the stories of Charlize Theron SoulCycling by day and Olsen Twins drinking with Danny Masterson at Hyde Lounge by night, and I said to myself, “by God, someday.. someday!…”

Well, actually, I can’t remember what exactly I said to myself because I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, but I know it was something like “if SoulCycle is good enough for Aviva Drescher, Real Housewife and The Nanny’s sister-in-law, then by God it’s good enough for me.”

So I sold all my belongings (that my parents bought me) and took my car (that I made them give me) and drove all alone (during the times when my mom slept in the passenger’s seat after she had driven 8 hours) out to Los Angeles with barely a dollar to my name (and then the several more dollars they had to their names) I came to the city of Angels and finally attended my first SoulCycle class (that my friend paid for).

And SoulCycle was everything every Charlize Theron said it would be. $34 a class will buy you a religious experience! Best workout of muh life! Seriously, I was very close to joining this v. v. productive cult… if I could afford it… and I couldn’t!  But at least I kind of GOT what all those Charles Manson peeps were getting at. Like, cults are cool, I am IN!

Here’s me after my friend Becca’s “birthday ride” which is a thing. I’m so happy! And none of these people agreed to appear on my blog!
soulcycle Anyway, what does all of that have to do with SoulCycle going public?

I dunno! I only know about a business “going public” because of the show Empire which is my favorite show because it’s Nashville with hip-hop, but without Connie Britton, but also better. So if going public means the same thing for SoulCycle as it does for Empire it means that there’s um…. there’s shareholder meetings…and… underwriters…. and no one can get Lou Gehrig’s disease or the deal is null and void?

IDK!!! COOKIE????!!!!!!

So sorry, I do not actually know what this means for SoulCycle… hope you enjoyed my blog and here’s an article about SoulCycle going public. 

I-P-O! I-P-O!!!!

IMMA “VOCAL FRY” YOUR NUTS

Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 6.53.08 PMI’ve been hearing a lot lately about the term “vocal fry” (when your vocal chords rub together and cause a gravely noise when you speak) and how it causes young women to look unprofessional/forces every other demographic to hate us even more than they usually do.

I’ve actually known about vocal fry for a while because I took voices lessons for years (because I am CHI-CHI-CHI-CHIC) and it hurts your delicate little chords that make dah music in your throat pipe. So I will say firstly, you probably shouldn’t vocal fry if you’re like P!nk or someone who talks a lot for a living, but not because some asshole freelance writer at Business Insider told you not to.

I read somewhere (I DON’T CARE WHERE) that middle aged men in business (ya know, the ones holding the power over young females just starting off in business) tend to “disregard” women who vocal fry…..

………

bethenny

Guess what? Except for maybe your dad, every middle aged man disregards young women.

Girls aren’t the only ones who vocal fry or up-speak or say “just” to preface a request. Guys do it too, people just don’t notice or care as much because they aren’t looking for any possible reason to not take them seriously or recognize them as humans.

SO SCREW THEM!

To all the ladies out there who write: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT SALON TELL YOU NOT TO USE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

To the ladies out there who use words: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT TIME.COM TELL YOU WHICH TRENDY PHRASES YOU’RE ALLOWED TO USE!!!!

To the ladies out there who read: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT THE GUARDIAN TELL YOU HOW TO USE YOUR VOICE UNDER THE GUISE THAT SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN AND SHE’S JUST TELLING YOU HOW TO BE A STRONG WOMAN TOO!!!

LADIES, LET US FRY OUR VOICES AND THEN FRY THE BALLS OF THOSE WHO DON’T LIKE IT!!!!! 

Who Wore It Best: Psychopath Edition

While trying to find a live-stream of the Jodi Arias trial on my computer so I could multi-task packing for LA and enjoying the exploitation of a murder victim and his family, I stumbled upon this little nugget:

jodiWell, well, well, looks like even female murderers aren’t immune to objectification.

IN THAT CASE:

whoworeitbestI don’t knoooow, those pink handcuffs are a nice touch. When exactly did the Handcuffs for Delicate Lady Criminals line come out?

Advice to Men on How to Not Get Murdered

The only thing that comes close to my love for SVU is my love for true crime stories. I wish everyone would watch them because you learn so much about how to not get murdered. Like, I know not to go to unpopulated places at night, and at any given moment, I can name you three different objects in the room that I could use as a weapon. Sure, you live in an almost constant state of fear, or as I like to call it, “alertness,” but you are not dead and free to watch more 20/20 Investigates. Add some wine, and that, my friends, is called living.

My newest Nancy Grace level obsession is the Jodi Arias death penalty trial. To give you a quick run-down, Jodi was dating this guy, Travis Alexander, for about a year on-and-off. After they had broken up, they continued to have sex, until the day Jodi killed Travis. She traveled to his house in Arizona from her house in California, where they did the do, took naked pictures of each other, and then at some point Jodi stabbed him 27 times, slit his throat, and shot him in the face twice.

jodi-arias-600

First, she said that ninjas broke in and attacked them, but she escaped. Now, she’s saying that he was an abusive pedophile and she killed him in self-defense, but I’m pretty sure she’s a pathological liar and he never hit her. My theory is that he quickly became aware that he wasn’t interested in committing to her, but he kept her as a back-up when he wanted sex and companionship. He gave her mixed messages about his feelings, so she thought that she just had to be patient and work to win him back (which never happens). One day, she finally realized it’s never happening and that he had been using her all along, so she killed him.

Up until the murder part, this sort of thing happens all the time.

Her defense is trying to say that no one would go back to a partner that didn’t care about them unless they had some sort of battered woman’s syndrome from physical abuse. Some “expert lawyer” panelists on HLN are even saying that this makes sense! Do these idiots even watch Girls?! You don’t have to abuse anyone to make them keep coming back to you like a desperate lunatic, all you have to do is not text them for a week. And that is no justification for murder! If they let this lady off, it just sets a precedent that you can kill someone in self-defense for attacking your heart.

Now, what can you learn from this, boys? First, if someone is really into you and it’s not mutual, you should move along and let them be because they might kill you. If that’s not an option, at least pick your emotional murder victim carefully. If someone exhibits the warning signs of craziness, don’t mess with them. Getting murdered and having your phone sex sessions played in open court can’t possibly be worth the gas-station-bathroom-crazy-person-sex she is offering.

I mean, look at how dead she is behind the eyes. That is a lady you don’t screw with!

ImageProcessor She should be put away for those bangs alone! Heeeeey!