Winning: Denise Richards

It was announced that Charlie Sheen’s four year-old twins with second ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, were taken from her custody by Child Protective Services on Thursday night and turned over to the toned, loving arms of Sheen’s first ex-wife, Denise Richards. Richards’ now has temporary custody while little Bob and Max’s mommy is on “vacation” at Betty Ford.

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I hate to say Denise is “winning” since this is just a bad situation and children are involved (and more importantly because that slang is outdated), but she really is coming out of this smelling like a rose perfume covering up the stench of a fresh spray tan.

Denise got a lot of bad press when she did her reality show, It’s Complicated, but after Charlie went insane, drinking tigers’ blood and trying to procure a intern, (I’m assuming because he was misinformed and thought interns were prostitutes working for college credit?) she’s been coming off as very patient and levelheaded. She is pretty selflessly taking on her ex-husband’s children, in addition to raising her two older daughters and her adopted baby, Eloise.

She was a triumph in Drop Dead Gorgeous and she named her daughter Eloise! What a lady.

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Look at Eloise. If those eyebrows could talk they’d say, “girl, have you seen Wild Things? Mommy has always made bad look good.”

I hope Denise’s presence in the boys’ lives will make a positive difference, because as it stands now, I’d say best case scenario, those boys will grow up and only one of them will be the direct cause of a sex worker’s untimely death.

Denise, you are earning points in Heaven!

MSDDRDE EC036 You do your victory lap, Queen!

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Leave Kim Kardashian’s Armpits Alone!!!

document1878825258682083630.inddThough I’ve never been a fan of Kim’s, I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of compassion for her armpits and the armpits of women in every grocery store in America who are being subjected to this magazine cover. I realize that Kim is probably gaining this weight so she can get some sort of Jenny Craig deal after that set piece of a breathing infant pushes its way through her Kanye Kanal. If she develops preeclampsia it won’t even matter because I’m sure the line between real life and Ryan Seacrest’s SimCity has completely disintegrated at this point.

For this exercise, let’s just assume at this point that Kim has no human emotions left. So, even if a close up of her armpit on a national magazine couldn’t crack through her exterior (which I’m assuming is just one big coating of gel nail polish and melted polyester) and hurt her feelings, it’s still hurting my feelings! I’m a size 2/4. I am not Rosemary’s Babying Ryan Seacrest’s devil child. And, yet, I think I have “fat armpits” or essentially, “vagina arms.” You’d never know because I’ve become skilled at flexing whenever my self esteem smells a camera within 15 feet of me, but if you caught me walking down the street in a tank top… there they’d be. Now, thanks to InTouch, I am reminded that fat armpits are a legit concern and I WILL NEVER BE SEXY AGAIN.

Women in hair salon waiting rooms don’t need to be reminded that there is another part of their body they can hate. You know that stupid Dove commercial where they bring in that “police sketch artist” or “actor” and then they try to pass off your low self esteem as your own fault?

It’s not your fault (here’s a great counter to that Dove commercial). Because you wouldn’t know to be self conscious of your arm pits if magazines didn’t show you a picture of a beautiful, pregnant celebrity, circle her fat like a sorority sister during Hell Week, and say “EWWWW SHE’S GROSS! YOU’RE PROBS GROSS, TOO! PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR CELLULITE CREAM AD ON PAGE 78!”

Happy International Women’s Day….I GUESS

Hey, when’s International Men’s Day, huh? When do men get to parade around the street in celebration of their storied heritage? Just men, coming together, jingling tube socks full of quarters symbolizing the blood and tears that went into preserving the gender wage gap.

IT’S REVERSE SEXISM IS WHAT IT IS.

Speaking of sexists:

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Here are two more misogynists working to reverse all the lady-progress that Taylor Swift has fought so hard for.

{In Bed With Joan Episode 1: Sarah Silverman}

Should We Be More Worried About Quvenzhane Wallis?

I think I’m doing enough worrying for all of us, but what will become of Q. Wallis and her puppy purse?

Ok, apparently this dog purse is a thing. She has a different one for every event. All is already lost, see ya later.

 

Wait, though.

What was in that purse, anyway? A Lip Smackers chapstick and a baggy full of dry Cheerios? Could her mother not hold on to that, or was her purse too full of her daughter’s money that she’ll hold on to until she’s 18 or legally emancipated, which ever comes first?

I apologize for all the questions, but I don’t think any of us, including that child’s mother, are looking out for this girl.

We’re all realistic about Honey Boo Boo and where that is headed, but just because Q isn’t swilling Go-Go Juice and snorting pixie sticks at her mother’s behest, that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to end up the same way (being exploited by Dr. Drew).

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Have we all just forgotten Tatum O’Neal? She’s not just that awful lady who shoe-shames Carrie on that one episode of Sex and the City. She’s Tatum O’Neal, 10 year old Oscar winner for Paper Moon. By 12, she was with Melanie Griffith having hash fueled orgies in Paris. That’s a pretty quick turn around. Grant it, I’m pretty sure since Drew Barrymore left rehab you’re not allowed to give 10 year olds cocaine and a Manhattan for a job well done at the Spy Kids wrap party, but I still don’t trust Q Wallis around those Hollywood vultures.

Even if she never touched a bottle of Go-Go Juice her entire life, I still don’t have high hopes for her as an adult. You can’t nominate a 9 year old for an Oscar and not expect her to be the kind of person who throws Quinoa salad at her assistant because she forgot to ask for chickpeas on the side. By 9, you’re beginning to enter your character building years where you develop a sense of humor or other pleasing personality traits that distract from how crooked your teeth are. Q has an Oscar nomination. That’s her compensatory personality trait. She can basically just stop developing and maturing as a human being right now. She probably has already dropped those “please” and “thank you’s” from her vocabulary all together. She can just say “HUNGRY” and bang her Austin Film Critics Association Award on the table until some PA magically appears with a Happy Meal. Someone should have told her that making muscle arms when they say your name at the Oscars is unseemly and doesn’t display a lot of humility. Instead, Giuliana Rancic goes on and on about how adorable it was sealing her fate as a future high maintenance, disagreeable grown-up child actor.

Maybe I’m worrying for nothing. Or maybe Elle Fanning is offering Q her first frozen pina colada at The Rainforest Cafe while we sit idly by thinking nothing’s wrong.

The Parent Trap: Featuring Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell

Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell look like they’re playing the fraternal twins in a community theater production of Twelfth Night.

12thnightOn second thought, I’m pretty sure these two were born from the same sun burnt uterus behind a Jacksonville Hooters. Separated at birth, they reconnected at the Food Network when their eyes met across the toilet seat as they snorted cocaine and Philly cheese steaks.

Third thought, that picture is really just a composite of Nancy Grace’s twins using age progression software.

I’m Not Saying Jennifer Lawrence Fell On Purpose…

…but do you think that fall was maybe a little too likeable?

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Sure, I want to be her best friend, and duh, I’ve been replaying that quick shot of her during the “We Saw Your Boobs” song like a GIF in my brain – that moment was second in likeability to the fall. But, I swear on my life, I knew she was going to trip. The instant before it happened, I said to myself, “she’s going to fall.” Does that make me a little psychic or am I just hip to her scam? Both, probably.

Look, I’m not saying she faked it, but I may be saying that she didn’t hoist up the hem of that skirt in the hopes that something very likeable might happen.

And who didn’t love Hugh Jackman rushing to her aid? I loved it. Don’t mistake that. I hear he’s second billing on Jennifer’s Likeability Tour ’13, to which, I have front row seats.

Remember When You Were into Musical Theater in High School?

Aside

Screen shot 2013-02-23 at 4.36.41 PM springfunI stand by this.

(If you listened to “Gasolina” on the party bus to prom with your soft ball teammates, don’t be concerned that this side-by-side means nothing to you).

Free Lucy Elizabeth: The Saddest Nancy Grace Twin

Poor, little Lucy Elizabeth seems to have figured out that she rode the vagina water slide into a cruel universe that would bestow upon her half the DNA of Nancy Grace and half the DNA of a man who would marry Nancy Grace. Meanwhile, her brother, John David, takes in the sights and sounds of Legoland, blissfully unaware that his mother is not just “mommy,” she’s Nancy Grace. And she stands by the theory that Amanda Knox is guilty.

Lucy Elizabeth knows, and she carries that burden for the both of them.

Stay strong, Lucy Elizabeth. Let John David enjoy his ignorance for just a little longer. He’ll know soon enough.

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