HeTexted.com: The Saddest Corner of the Internet

Recently, I’ve realized that Facebook is passing some major judgement on my lifestyle, as all the ads they post for me now involve cleaning supplies and services, rehab facilities, and general websites involving where and how to find a boyfriend. I knew that Mark Zuckerberg had a feminine face, but I didn’t know he was my mother– amiright, ladies? HA-CHA-CHA-CHA! (I’m working day and night on my Catskill/1980’s female comedian hybrid character, so I don’t even have TIME to date).

The other day Facebook suggested this little gem, and in the process, insulted my intelligence:


HeTexted.com has 3 components: A blog, a forum where you can ask for boy advice and people can respond and vote whether he’s “into you” or not (democracy hard at work!), and “ask a bro.”

Besides invading Iraq looking for WMD’s, I literally can’t think of a more terrible idea than this website (guys, how smart did I just sound?). Women and girls don’t need a forum to over-analyze men together from across the globe.

I understand that sometimes you need advice from your friends. I ask for it a lot and I love to sit down with a gal pal and draw out a venn diagram or a pro’s and con’s list over some Sauv Blaahhhh to decide if we should break up with her boyfriend. However, as I get older I have begun to realize that just because they’re your friends, doesn’t mean they give sound advice. If I have trouble figuring out if my friends can be trusted with my romantic problems, how can I be assured that these faceless, internet dum-dums know what they’re talking about?

Just judging by their blog, it doesn’t seem like you should trust this website.


First sentence out of the gate: “Let’s talk girl crushes.”

No. Don’t. I can’t stand this phrase. Just say what you actually mean– you think this woman is cool and pretty and you would like to be friends with her. You don’t have to add a “no-homo” stamp of clarification. Nobody thinks you plan to go Orange-is-the-New-Black on her lady bits. Unless you do, in which case it’s just a crush.

Already I don’t feel good about these people. Next post:


NOPE! NOOOOPE! A bad Sex and the City reference (“Single and the City” is arguably redundant) coupled with a New Girl picture? These are a bunch of 22 year-old girls with brand new journalism degrees, sitting around Starbucks in their H&M blazers, blogging and taking selfies hashtagged #riseandgrind. I’m sure they could tell you how to highlight your eyes like Kim Kardashian (hint: it involves NARS blush in Albatross), but putting your love life in their young, stupid hands is not advisable.

And do women really need advice on guys? Deep down, don’t you already know what’s up? Like this girl:

20130822-102607.jpgThis is just depressing. Is asking the audience really necessary here? And they’re all like this. A lot of the questions seem to be from teenagers, but just as many are definitely from women who are at least in their 20’s. There are just so many things that your time would be better spent on than sitting at a computer obsessing over guys. If you find yourself obsessing, you can do what I do to get my mind off of it: listen to a podcast or meditate or drink a bottle of wine and sing through the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode after your apartment’s quiet hours, aka just doing me.

17 thoughts on “HeTexted.com: The Saddest Corner of the Internet

  1. Your apartment’s quiet hours? Sounds very regimented although I know a girl in Switzerland who lives in a place with a “washing rota” although she’s from Yorkshire and so she upset the locals by just doing her washing when she damn well wanted to. I also know people in Manchester who probably wish that their flat block DID have quiet hours.

    • Quiet hours are actually pretty common, at least from what I can tell in LA… it’s usually after 11 and basically means don’t blast music…. As a 60 year old in a 24 year olds body, I’m okay with it cuz Mama’s gots tuh work in the morning.

  2. I’m a hulking, brute of a guy so I didn’t get most of this post considering it came from a woman’s point of view. But I did like your subtle knock on journalism degrees, which it seems are handed out like black belts are handed out to 9 yr olds. Nice post.

    • Did I hit on her? No I don’t even know the young lady. I don’t make it a habit of picking up women on the internet because I’m not a pathetic dick. I’m married with a family of my own. I was just complimenting her on what I thought was a funny post. I’m not sure why I even received a notification of this.

      • Sorry, fella. It was the “hulking brute” comment that threw me. I was trying to be a smart-ass about the strangeness of modern mating rituals, including the “hey baby” comments I’ve seen on other sites, but I realize now my snide remark was at your expense. Kind of like snickering behind your back, which is probably as bad as hitting on bloggers. So I apologize. I’m an idiot.

      • Not problem on my end, I just don’t like misunderstandings. I was referencing The Great Gatsby, when Daisy kept calling Tom a hulking brute for being dimwitted. While I’m not the svelte guy I was 15 years ago, I’m not hulking and I’m hardly a brute.

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