Baby’s First Hollywood Pool Party

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All my life, I’ve been the kind of person who clings tightly to her principles and convictions.

I am also the kind of person whose principles and convictions can be bought with blended margaritas and movie theater style nachos.

Do I consider myself a feminist? Absolutely. Will I speak up and defend myself or a fellow woman when I see a sexist injustice occurring? I believe it’s my duty. Am I so poor that I will throw all of this away so I can get my buzz on foh’ free at a Beverly Hills pool party? Within reason. But mostly yes.

The dissolution of my moral compass began when my roommate and I were invited to a pool party celebrating the birthday of Jesse from that Super Bowl GoDaddy commercial:

2349077637I’ve talked about it before, but if you’ll allow me to mount this high horse again, the commercial was sexist because it perpetuated the idea that women are supposed to be beautiful and men are supposed to be smart. Also it had a fat guy making out with a hot girl. What hope do us averages have of finding a man on our level if the media keeps telling boys and Kevin James that they are entitled to a woman who is 80% boobs and legs??

So, despite my reservations, I still wanted to go to the party because the poor kid was just in a GoDaddy commercial, not a Spike TV show. And I was promised free booze.

My friends and I arrived before Jesse got there, and after being handed a free(!!!) margarita, we were informed that they were filming a documentary on Jesse. The producer wanted a very specific shot of Jesse when he entered the party. He handed my girlfriends and me an armful Hawaiian leis and told us to go up to Jesse one-by-one and ask, “can I lei you?” Okay, so obviously this dude had no idea that this group of women included one who had read Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Living History. 

This request made me thoroughly uncomfortable, but it all happened so fast! I suddenly found myself doing an awkward Target Lady-esque shuffle, mumbled a “here you go” and threw the lei around his neck like I was doing a county fair horse shoe toss.

I felt like an idiot, but I just gave it to Jesus and prayed that if this documentary ever surfaced that my future moms Amy and Tina wouldn’t recognize me thanks to my giant mosquito sunglasses.

I drank another Jesse-rita and felt better.

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A few minutes later, the same guy asked if we would rub Jesse down with sunblock. To this I replied, “feminism!” and moon walked on my cork wedge heels back to the margarita bar. Listen, am I being a little over sensitive? Maybe. But there would never be a pool party thrown in honor of an overweight, 25 year-old woman just because she was in one popular  commercial. How about this? If any hot man reading can tell me he was once asked by a producer to rub down Nikki Blonsky with some SPF at a pool party put together by her publicist then I will just delete this post.

Anyway, as my blood blended with the Jesse-ritas, I realized what a surreal situation I had put myself in. I’m 90% sure that the house we were at is also rented out to shoot porn. I’m also 90% sure that most of the guests at the party have shot a porn in that house. Please don’t misunderstand, though, this was not a trashy party. It was an absolute who’s who of Hollywood extras. There were some big G-list stars too: the cook from 2 Broke Girls, the nerdy guy with the Jew-fro from Glee (I can say that because we have the same last name), and most exciting, Yolanda Foster’s ex-husband Mohamed.

I only ever left my spot on my beach chair to get more nachos or to go to the bathroom (if I looked a little harder I bet I would have found a cocaine dispenser next to the hand soap), but it was a real trip, and it was certainly worth going to.

Next stop, the Playboy Mansion!

Feminism!

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14 thoughts on “Baby’s First Hollywood Pool Party

  1. hahahah!! i ❤ you and your wonderful blogs!!! damn near soaked my chair in pee laughter at my desk!! FEMINISM…GIRL POWER…SPICE UP YOUR LIFE! xoxo

  2. I’d be willing to bet that if they asked 20 hunky waiters in Hollywood if they’d rub sunblock all over Suzi Barrett (far more attractive than Jesse and also more well-known, but hey) five of them would be fighting over the SPF….

      • I have a video camera (and a cameraman!) and I’d throw a party in her honor, but she’d have to come to the East coast and, sadly, I know no hunky waiter/actors. I think they ought to do a documentary on her just to see if more people watch it than would watch Jesse.

  3. So proud of you! You went, you abused their nachos, swilled their margaritas for free, and refused to (ew, ew, ew) cocoa-butter their Jesse. You’re my hero! (And right… a documentary? How big are the air quotes on that one?)

  4. I am an extremely, ridiculously hot man, and a producer has not asked me to rub sunblock on Nikki Blonsky. But I would, because I don’t think she can reach many spots on her body and it would be rude if I sat there and let her burn.

  5. I like how you’re staying true to your values girl. When I was out there, I flat out had girls tell me to “join in.” As in, sleep your way around Hollywood. Tip of the hat to ya. Its interesting to hear a young, attractive woman speak about feminism all the while being in a place that can really make you question those convictions when an interesting opportunity knocks. Its a very seductive place for a young woman, its hard to fully describe unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. Best of luck in all your endeavors. I’m interested to keep an eye on your adventures. Someone told me to always stick to my morals and values and watch what happens. I could say the same for you. Your steadfastness is a rarity.
    🙂

  6. Isn’t that dude Hollywood’s most prolific extra? Knowing this fact has ruined a number of movies for me when I suddenly see him. In this way, he’s much like Rob Schneider.

  7. Cocaine dispenser eh? Never seen one of those before 😉

    I applaud you for being able to recognize all those people… I wouldn’t know a celebrity if Brad Pitt was standing right in front of me. ….Ok, maybe that’s a lie, but you get what I mean!

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