I have begun to realize that if I’m left alone long enough with a bottle of Rite Aid’s finest $3 cabernet, I get an overwhelming urge to join OKCupid. I don’t think that’s a sign of any kind of alcohol problem, but when I finally joined, it definitely felt like I was subletting a finished basement in rock bottom.
I had thought about joining since I moved to LA, but then a few weeks ago on a whim, (wine/whim. Synonyms, really) I actually did it. While I sat on the couch with my roommate, I devised an OKCupid profile:
Profile Question: “What are you most likely to be doing on Friday night?”
My Answer: “Drinking wine while I watch a Golden Girls marathon by myself.”
Profile Question: “You should contact me if….”
My Answer: “….you enjoy feminist rants because it’s kind of my thing.”
That last one is actually just a direct quote from New Girl. You might think I wasn’t taking the questions seriously, but if you know anything about me, you know that if I said literally anything else it would have been a lie.
After finishing my profile, I sat back as the predatory messages from uninhibited men hiding behind computers started rolling in!
The messages ran the gamut from either ignorant, creepy, or very creepy, but nearly every message I got included some sort of comment about the two questions above. Like:
“You’re a feminist? So, you want to castrate me?”
Yes. But just you, specifically.
“I don’t mind feminism as long as it’s not about bringing down men and isn’t in poor taste.”
Awwww. From the mouths’ of bros.
Of the 60 or so messages I got in the 48 hours before I deleted my profile, only two were from people I would consider dating. When I replied to one of those guys, I asked him his experience on OKC. He said the thing that bothered him the most was how many women wore some sort of fake mustache in their pictures. I was all, “uggh, totes, I feel you. My least favorite thing about guys on OKC is kinda like that, except instead of fake mustaches it’s the sexually suggestive comments about your looks that make you feel like an object to be used instead of an actual person, LOL!!”
I started to consider deleting my profile about 12 hours into creating it, but figured I’d keep an open mind and see if anyone good popped up. By hour 48, there was still no person of interest, BUT there was one guy who messaged me that would definitely be a person of interest to the police if I was murdered!
His message was simple and to the point.
“How many shoes do you own and do you like to cuddle?”
And with that, I deleted my profile.
I would not recommend OKCupid to single women unless you’re interested in the caliber of men that can’t afford Match.com.
If that is your thing, my advice would be to create a profile then discuss with your roommate or next of kin what photo you would like shown on the evening news after your inevitable disappearance. Tell them that anything from your Facebook profile picture album is pre-approved. If you’re just missing have them choose a photo that looks like you, yet still flattering. Something that really makes people want to find you. Now, if they’ve already discovered your charred remains and can only identify you by your dental records– go nuts!! Use the picture from the week after that lucky bout of food poisoning. Remember? Your hair was blonde and you still went tanning. It looks nothing like you now, but let that be the way the world remembers you. You deserve it.