5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

WWCBDHow do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

  1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial. screen-shot-2013-04-25-at-1-11-50-pm
  2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show. BUT IN MY DEFENSE!!! I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
  3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
  4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time. cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946
  5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama looooves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! I’m Mama!

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hawk osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent, but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on ebay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn! Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

gwyneth_paltrow_and_mother_blythe_dannerLook at her! That bitch is regal!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

  1. Love this article! I, too, am an “old soul”… always have liked stuff out of my demographic. My fella just shakes his head when I bring out a good Astaire and Rogers movie! 🙂

  2. Okay I basically died when you referred to yourself as mama because I SO do that. Another thing I do: make myself a white wine spritzer (sometimes using Sutter Home white zinny and always using a baker’s dozen ice cubes) and exclaim (to myself) how delicious it is while alone on my couch waiting for Nashville to come on. Needless to say this post really spoke to me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s