5 Things You’re Doing on the Internet That Might Get You Killed

Sometimes I think it’s my mission in life to make sure that everyone is both adequately worried about all the things that could go wrong in their life and how to avoid it. I’m a living and breathing Worst Case Scenario book. I have lots of little-known facts floating around in my head (did you know, if you have a one-night stand you are less likely to be murdered if you go to the other person’s house because, I guess, who wants blood on their carpet?), as well as really obvious ones that I think people tend to overlook (when was the last time you got your moles checked by a dermatologist? You know you should be doing that at least once a year, right? Melanoma is deadly but detectable!).

One obvious thing I think everyone really overlooks is what a death trap the internet can be. Luckily, I’m here to remind you.



Craigslist- Do you remember that there have been people actually murdered because of Craigslist? I believe he was called “The Craiglist Killer,” correct? Why would you trust a site that lends itself so beautifully to alliterative nicknames for murderers? That $40 coffee table isn’t worth you ending up in someone’s industrial sized freezer. Once you reach 0 degrees Celsius, that thing is going to end up right back in some Cannibal Cop’s living room. Like, he’s going to eat you ON that coffee table you needed so bad.

Dating Sites- Lonely, vulnerable men and women, all in one place. Just type in criteria: women, blonde, petite, vegan/yoga enthusiast (if you want a lean meat). Basically, it’s like online shopping for serial killer Cannibal Cops.

Plus, they know all of your interests.

“Wait, you love The Gin Blossoms? I love the Gin Blossoms! Wanna go to your place so I can kill you -ERRRR, I MEAN- kiss you?”


Foursquare- In my opinion, this is just about the dumbest thing you can do on the internet. Hey, stalkerz! Here’s where I’ll be all night! Oh, you’ve never heard of Soho House? Here’s a map for your convenience!


Googling- This is a more indirect way to get yourself killed, but just be wary of what you type into Google. Let’s say someone in your life ends up dead, maybe a spouse, in which case you are suspect numero uno, and the police confiscate your laptop. Even if it’s just a coincidence that you searched “how to kill someone with an air embolism,” that might be all the prosecution needs to send you to the death chamber. For this blog post, I googled “how to slowly poison someone,” so I just better hope that no one I’m close to dies of an accidental coffee poisoning.

Oh, hey, why don't you LIKE my page on Facebook?

Oh, hey, why don’t you click here and LIKE my page on Facebook?

Facebooking on Vacation- This is a great way to let people know that there is no one at your house, and with a simple brick through the window your home becomes a Best Buy and Kay Jewelers for the neighborhood vagrants. Your Pandora Bracelets are as good as gone! And, oh! Thanks to a little food poisoning, it looks like you’ll be ending your weekend trip a day early. Yikes, your front door is ajar, better investigate! Bang! Bang! Bang! The neighborhood vagrants weren’t expecting you because your Facebook said you’d be “sippin’ margz in Malibu til Monday morning #sorrynotsorry,” but it’s only Sunday afternoon! And, you’re dead.

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14 thoughts on “5 Things You’re Doing on the Internet That Might Get You Killed

  1. What a great public service piece! I was JUST about to post on my facebook that I’m selling a diamond bracelet super cheap because I need money for my cruise all next week with the new hottie I just met on Match.com. But when I googled his name, a bunch of stories about date rape came up. Maybe I shouldn’t have queried castration techniques right after that. What do you think?

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  3. But I like those $40 coffee tables…besides how am I ever going to make any friends if I don’t meet people on Craigslist?

    And you are right on the money with Facebooking your location. That’s why I never do that especially when I’m backpacking in bear country. If I’m going to die, I want my disappearance to be a NBC Dateline mystery ..
    Maybe then people would visit my blog and say “If only we had known about him and his blog sooner, he seemed like such a nice guy…well besides the bodies buried in the backyard he left behind. “

  4. I couldn’t agree with you more…especially with the vacationing Facebookers. Here’s the deal. Nobody cares what you’re doing when you’re home, and they reaaallllyyy don’t care what you’re doing when you’re on vacation and they’re at work. Idiots. All of them. Great post!

  5. Hahahaha hilarious post! And I totally agree! I have to admit though: I am guilty when it comes to the Facebook vacation thing so will try not to do that the next time I’m on vacation! And well sometimes I also Google weird stuff, hmmm… Oh well, at least I never checked in at Foursquare 🙂 and I’ve never used any of the other mentioned sites, phew!

  6. Next time I go on vacation and take a photo, I’m so going to caption it with “Hey, my dear group of highly trained ninja security team keeping my home safe and secure, check me out on this beach!”

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