Advice to Men on How to Not Get Murdered

The only thing that comes close to my love for SVU is my love for true crime stories. I wish everyone would watch them because you learn so much about how to not get murdered. Like, I know not to go to unpopulated places at night, and at any given moment, I can name you three different objects in the room that I could use as a weapon. Sure, you live in an almost constant state of fear, or as I like to call it, “alertness,” but you are not dead and free to watch more 20/20 Investigates. Add some wine, and that, my friends, is called living.

My newest Nancy Grace level obsession is the Jodi Arias death penalty trial. To give you a quick run-down, Jodi was dating this guy, Travis Alexander, for about a year on-and-off. After they had broken up, they continued to have sex, until the day Jodi killed Travis. She traveled to his house in Arizona from her house in California, where they did the do, took naked pictures of each other, and then at some point Jodi stabbed him 27 times, slit his throat, and shot him in the face twice.

jodi-arias-600

First, she said that ninjas broke in and attacked them, but she escaped. Now, she’s saying that he was an abusive pedophile and she killed him in self-defense, but I’m pretty sure she’s a pathological liar and he never hit her. My theory is that he quickly became aware that he wasn’t interested in committing to her, but he kept her as a back-up when he wanted sex and companionship. He gave her mixed messages about his feelings, so she thought that she just had to be patient and work to win him back (which never happens). One day, she finally realized it’s never happening and that he had been using her all along, so she killed him.

Up until the murder part, this sort of thing happens all the time.

Her defense is trying to say that no one would go back to a partner that didn’t care about them unless they had some sort of battered woman’s syndrome from physical abuse. Some “expert lawyer” panelists on HLN are even saying that this makes sense! Do these idiots even watch Girls?! You don’t have to abuse anyone to make them keep coming back to you like a desperate lunatic, all you have to do is not text them for a week. And that is no justification for murder! If they let this lady off, it just sets a precedent that you can kill someone in self-defense for attacking your heart.

Now, what can you learn from this, boys? First, if someone is really into you and it’s not mutual, you should move along and let them be because they might kill you. If that’s not an option, at least pick your emotional murder victim carefully. If someone exhibits the warning signs of craziness, don’t mess with them. Getting murdered and having your phone sex sessions played in open court can’t possibly be worth the gas-station-bathroom-crazy-person-sex she is offering.

I mean, look at how dead she is behind the eyes. That is a lady you don’t screw with!

ImageProcessor She should be put away for those bangs alone! Heeeeey!

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5 thoughts on “Advice to Men on How to Not Get Murdered

  1. LOVE the title. haha!
    Jodi Arias makes Casey Anthony look like a saint. Both women are psychopaths but Jodi takes cold blooded killer to a new level. (Just FYI, I’m a real therapist, so I can professionally speak to this.) She’s so narcissistic that she actually enjoys being on the stand. It’s the same narcissism that caused her to kill him. I think she hated being rejected, so much so, that she slit this guy’s throat from ear to ear. On the stand they’ve tried to make her look like a nerd with those bangs and glasses. Her calm demeanor is CHILLING. The idea that she stabbed him 27 times, and can sit up there and calmly say she killed him and not shed a tear or look disturbed in the slightest, is beyond the pale. She thinks her acting is so convincing and that no one can see through her, but it’s because she has no human emotion that she gives herself away. She’s like a shark with those eyes. She has ice in her veins and I can assure you, feels nothing.

    If this jury lets her off, after the Casey Anthony debacle, well, I don’t know what… I’ll be sickened.

  2. I’ve recently rekindled my interest in true crime stories and started watching Investigation Discovery TV. Good stuff, until a torture/murder story of a developmentally disabled person messed up my head. Anyway, your tips are good. People should learn to stay away from crazy. There’s something in the eyes, or nothing in the eyes, as you pointed out.

  3. Speaking of Girls, I’m glad to hear you watch it. Can you write something hilarious about the show plz (possibly focusing on why Hannah feels the need to show us her tatas all the fucking time!)? My friends and I would really appreciate it 😉

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