5 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Can’t Find Love

May I take a stab at this one? I have a few ideas:

1. Taylor is sooooo tall. That eliminates an enormous amount of the male celebrity population right there. That only leaves her with guys who are okay with her being taller and guys who are actually taller…So Tom Cruise and Jason Segel. And since Jason is taken by Michelle Williams (but ultimately by me. Just get me to Hollywood and you’ll see!) that leaves her with Tom. I dunno… I think she’d make an okay scientologist. Think about it, Taylor. Jenna Elfman and the guy who played Hyde on That 70’s Show could be the god parents to your future alien children. 

2. She keeps dating these young guys. A high schooler like Conor Kennedy is probably pretty immature and not anywhere near ready to settle into a long term relationship, but this speaks to a much bigger problem for Taylor: that she is a total weirdo. What I’m about to say is sexist, and a very unpopular opinion amongst the men that I tell this to, but I know I’m right: Girls (ages 15 to 28ish) who date a guy more than 2 or 3 years younger than them are weirdos. If you think I’m wrong, then you are either a weirdo girl who dates young guys or you’re a guy who thinks he’s a stud because he dated an older lady once. You don’t have to believe me, but trust, a 28 year old woman is only dating a 23 year old guy who works at Applebees because she can’t find a 28 year old man with a stable job who is willing to date her. She’s probably going to tell you she’s on the pill, and then when she gets pregnant she’ll say that she must be one of those .01% that birth control doesn’t work for. JUS’ SAYIN’. To circle this back to Taylor, I think guys her own age and older are catching on that she’s a total weirdo.

3. She’s scaring guys off with her love songs. Taylor, I know how it is. Being the Taylor Swift of blogging (right? riiiiiiight?) I understand that it’s irresistible to write about guys, but if finding love is very important to you right now, maybe consider writing a Christmas album and let that ride for a while.

4. She falls in love with everyone. This is what 8th graders do! She needs to start writing songs about how she sort of dated a guy for a couple months but then they just kind of phased each other out, but sometimes when she’s in town they make out a little bit. They can’t all be the love of your life, Taylor! Hide your cards a little bit next time. I have a bad feeling that the “love” was all on your end in these past relationships. I’m pretty sure John Mayer is a sociopath and unable to feel love, so I think that proves my point. UGH, and get rid of that house you just bought next to Conor’s. SO WEIRD, TAYLOR.

5. SHE IS TWENTY-TWO! Good lord, US Weekly, give her a break- she has so much left to do. She hasn’t even taken a year off from working and bought her way into Harvard yet.

10 thoughts on “5 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Can’t Find Love

  1. hahah you are awesome. This post was funny on so many levels. I think the same things about poor taylor swift and sometimes forget the girl is only 22. I reserve the right to judge her for dating a guy that is 18 – that is weird. Maybe she should take a break from guys and starting writing songs about world peace and squirrel love. If I was a guy the last girl I would want to date is teh one who will quite likely write a scorned love dsong later down the line. And I feel bad for her regarding the tall* note. I am very tall too – well if you consider 5’10” very tall and yes that does shorten the dating pool for sure and for some weird reason tall girls always seem to get hit on by very short guys. awkward.

    ps. I am totally waiting for her to buy her way into an American ivy league school so she can attempt normality for a year before returning to stardom and all it’s perks.

    • Great post! I totally agree that it is really odd to date an 18 year old when you are 22. Four years age different usually isn’t much (my husband is 4 years older) – but those are 4 majorly important years! 22 year olds have likely lived on their own, graduated high school and college, can get into bars, and are far more responsible. I can’t imagine going from dating guys who owned their own homes to dating a guy in high school and living with his parents….

  2. I have stopped dating a girl before when I discovered she had a blog in “Dating Adventures.” I mean, every post about guys she dated in the past and most didn’t have a very friendly touch to them. I just didn’t want to be one of her blog posts, and I thought it was kinda crazy to begin with. I have no problem with someone who blogs occasionally about the craziest things they’ve seen while dating (the best of the best is usually so funny it needs to be shared with the world), but if this translates to superstardom, I understand why guys are slow to date her.

  3. I agree! Why does US Weekly (and several other celebrity magazines) always do this to women?
    Do we see covers with single men screaming out ‘Why Can’t HE Find Love?’
    Guess now that Jennifer Anniston is hooked up, they have to find another woman to target for the ‘unhappy single woman’ stories!

  4. Ha! The main point is she’s only 22! She’s supposed to leave a string of victims along the highway. As to dating younger, well, she became famous and successful so young, in her mind she’s probably only 16. Personally I’m glad she hasn’t hooked up with some middle aged man who will try to mold her and make her his wife. By dating younger at her age (though it would be weird for normal people) it insures that she can stay single and enjoy and test her freedom, write songs, play gigs and stuff. So I applaud her inability to find a life long love at 22. I don’t want to see her “in love” with an older, divorced father and professing that all she really wants to do is be a mum (Adele). Girl, go get your guys, have fun. Enjoy being a musician. Enjoy being a young woman. Enjoy towering over the men (my daughter is 5’10” and loves it). Older men tend to want to tame and mold younger women (Tom Cruise) so I ain’t mad at her for avoiding that trap. Plus, girlfriend is busy. It’s okay to be single in between boyfriends. Her biological clock isn’t even turned on yet. Let her play.

  5. omg – it’s SO TRUE! I never realized what a weirdo she was! It’s true, you definitely don’t date younger men – you can have fun with them, but you don’t fall in love with them and they don’t stick around.
    I hope she does as you suggest and just cools it on the love for a while 🙂

  6. I don’t think Taylor’s unlucky in love at all, I reckon girlfriend’s got major game and is hiding it behind mopey love longs. I mean, if I was a hot 22 year old gajillionaire I would totally be DATE ALL THE HOT GUYS for as long as I could get away with it.

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