7 Reasons Why I’m Ill Equipped to Have a Baby

I’m at an age where many of my friends, acquaintances, and people I don’t really know (but I feel like I know because I spend so much tracking their baby bump progress on Facebook) are settling down. It always starts with your high school friends and acquaintances. You can tell which girls will get married or pregnant first based on how over plucked their eyebrows are. Don’t ask me why it’s true, but “if their brow bones aren’t hairy, they’re the first ones to marry” is a great rule of thumb.

Next comes your college friends. At around 25, the wedding invitations start trickling in. Then from their it’s just the slow death march of all your friends moving back to the suburbs to start mommy blogs while you’re in the middle of the city screaming “but I’m an independent woman!!!” to no one.

But that’s the way it must be for some of us. I’m just mature enough to know that I’m way too immature to be in charge of another human for a very long time. I could be trusted to watch a child. I’m a great baby sitter. I do this thing when I tuck the kids in: “snug as a bug in a rug.” They die over it. But when you’re baby sitting, you’re with these kids, what? 5, 6 hours? The likelihood of you accidentally killing them in that amount of time is low. If I’m entrusted with a baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week…. let’s just say I can’t believe more people don’t forget that they left their kid sleeping in a hot car.

And THAT, my friends is only one reason why giving me a baby a mistake, but there are many more, like:

  1. Everyone would get tired of my 24 year old self whining, “this is kids raising kids!”

    I like to think that the red head I’m most like is Lucille Ball, but I know it’s really Garfield.

  2. I am lazy. Last night I slept in my bra because it would have been too much to wrestle that thing out of my sweatshirt. 
  3. My desired sleep schedule is closest to a baby bear suffering from mono in winter. If I don’t get my 12 hours a night, I am just incorrigible.

    Garbage Pail Kids Movie

  4. I don’t like anything gross, and babies are just a sticky ball of uncontrollable bodily functions. Up until very recently, if my dogs pooped in the house, I would just pretend not to see it until someone else in my house did. And that only stopped because my dogs stopped pooping in the house.

    Case in point.

  5. 9 months of no drinking is not an option yet. If you are not ready to give up pumpkin beer for a whole season, I think that’s the clearest indicator that you are not ready for children. 
  6. At this point, if I had a child and gave up on my career for them, they would have no chance of being allowed to pursue any other interest besides drug addled child star with a fame-obsessed mom-ager with hair extensions way too long for her age.

    Queen.

  7. I don’t like having to smell things as a detection method. Like when someone sticks something in your face and says “hey, smell this, does this smell weird?” Parents always seem to be smelling things to figure out if it’s something that came out of a baby, and I’m not up for that kind of case work. This is not Law and Order: SV-P.U.

*Dun-Dun*

(Nailed it).

That’s my time! Thanks, you guys! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

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18 thoughts on “7 Reasons Why I’m Ill Equipped to Have a Baby

  1. You wore a sweatshirt yesterday? It was like 65 degrees…

    Next time you need help “wrestling that thing” out of your sweatshirt, let me know…I’m great at that sort of thing!!

  2. Mom-ager!–Ha ha ha! This was great. And really, people who don’t think they are ready for kids, usually are in truth because they already care enough to wonder if they’d be good at it. When I got pregnant with my oldest, a hundred years ago, my own mom said “How can YOU be a mom? You don’t even like babysitting!”- I was pretty worried myself. But, I have three grown men now that I’m very proud of, even though at the time, I thought I wasn’t ready and would be a terrible mom. That pic of the Lohan’s is priceless–so freakin creepy! Nice post!

  3. Pingback: Marriage and Babies and Love Oh My! | 25ToFly

  4. You had me at pumpkin beer, which I value significantly more than the thought, or reality, of children. Granted, I don’t have any children, but if I did I am positive I wouldn’t like them as much as I like pumpkin beer. That would be against the laws of the universe.

  5. The sleep thing is the thing I dread the most about having a baby. I figure with the first one, I might be able to catch naps when the baby does sometimes, but probably by the time there’s a second one, I doubt they’ll both be cooperative enough to take naps at the same time. And you left out one which I feel is too important not to be missed: no caffeine during pregnancy/breastfeeding. It’s like some cruel trick of the universe, expecting a woman to function on zero sleep with zero caffeine.

    • They don’t allow caffeine?!? I don’t think I’m going to be able to follow that rule… And I agree, the no-sleep is the worst one for me too. And as for 2nd and 3rd kids? I think I’ll do what my mom did and wait 5 years in between. By then, the 5 y.o. can amuse themselves while I take a nap, or they can amuse baby while I take a nap. ^.^

  6. Haha loved it! You really did nail it! I agree with you 100%: I am noooot ready yet to have a baby. And I don’t care that people around wm are already on baby #3. “I’m an independent woman!”
    Great post.

  7. You need to explain this “pumpkin beer” RIGHT NOW or I’m unfollowing you. 🙂 (Or I could Google. Whatevs.)

    I think most women are ill equipped to have a baby. Have you seen how the damn things come out?

    • Pumpkin beer is the most magical thing of fall! Where are you from? I think it’s hard to find if you aren’t from the northeast… but it’s a big deal around these parts… there’s like 50 different brands and I’ve even seen pumpkin hard cider. It’s not super pumpkin-y, most are just beers w a pumpkin pie spice, some have a little pumpkin extract. If you can find it, Shipyard Pumpkinhead seems to be the most popular. People go bananas over it and it sells out every year.

      • I’m in Australia, but I managed to find a grand total of two breweries that have come up with a pumpkin beer in time for Halloween. I’m definitely going to try this!

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