Joran Van der Sloot, convicted lady murderer, has gotten a woman pregnant –CONSENTUALLY– from a jail in Lima. Good GOD, ladies! Get your shit together! You know what should be a dealbreaker? Being a murderer. Another dealbreaker: extorting money from the parents of a girl you murdered.
I thought we were passed this by now! I will give this lady the benefit of the doubt and assume that Sex and the City hasn’t made it to Lima yet, and she must not know that she can be Single and Fabulous –exclamation point! Or at the very least, be Single and Not Dating a World Famous Serial Killer–exclamation point!
To this lady: here’s proof that being a spinster –nay– a bachelorette, cannot be as bad as dating a psychopath…
Guys, it’s a sperm bank!
1. If you really, really want a baby right now (your prerogative, ma’am!) you can stay single and take a quick trip to the sperm bank, turkey baster in hand. That way, you can still have a baby AND that baby could be filled with Sexy Italian Architect DNA or Adorable Jewish Doctaaah genes instead of Dutch psychopath juice. Talk about having and eating cake!
2. Anderson Cooper did a show on women who marry men in jail, and you should have seen the shade he was throwing in these ladies’ directions. Do you really want to walk around knowing that Anderson Cooper is judging you? Girl, you need to drop this act asap because you’re about one news cycle away from being on his Ridiculist.
3. Marrying a murderer is not full of the same hijinks that Mike Myers would have you believe. Remember, in So I Married an Axe Murderer {SPOILER ALERT} at the 11th hour it’s revealed that Harriet is not actually a murderer, so if you were thinking “if Mike Myers can make it work, so can I,” your theory is now null and void.
It’s just something to think about while you wait for the package I’ve sent you which includes the Sex and the City Complete Series box set, a wine of the month club membership, and this book:
Joran, who?!
LOVED the So I Married an Axe Murderer reference… one of my favourite movies. Great post and I couldn’t agree more.
I’m with you on single point – except maybe send her Xena Warrior Princess instead of Sex and the City. Those twits are like, the worst poster girls for single life EVAR.
*every single point. Sigh.
Agreed! Sex and The City are terrible examples of intelligent women! All they lust over are shoes…and emotionally vacant men. Xena all the way.
Maybe it has made it to Lima and, disillusioned with humanity, she simply fell into nihilism and apathy. I’ve seen that happen a lot to people who’ve watched SATC. She probably just grew to hate the entire gender of women, herself included, and decided it needed punished for its crimes. Especially Samantha’s.
Not sure about Xena though, her Wikipedia page’s occupation page literally states ‘formerly Warlord and Destroyer of Nations’. I know girl power and stuff but really, is that a good example? Destroyer of Nations? That’s like saying your dog should be more like Fenrir or something.
Brilliant! Also, now I want to skip work to do nothing but watch SATC.
So very true. A resume and references should be required before serious dating is considered – with both participants exchanging the data (it’s only fair). Hilarious post. Congrats on being FP!!
Well said!! I wrote something on the topic as well. Great minds thnk alike.
*think alike (not enough coffee yet)
Any woman who marries someone with a history like Joran van der Sloot musch have some serious self-esteem issues.
This made me laugh but its so true. Some women(including me) are so scared to be alone that they settle for anything. thanks for the post.
Exactly so! A witty and well written post! I wonder whether she as opted for this man because of the notoriety attached; maybe her only way of gaining 15 minutes of fame!
Thank you!
It’s either that or zero self esteem… probably both.
Thanks for the response! Yeah that too!
So I Married an Axe Murder is a classic. It was the first and only film that made want to move to San Francisco and also marry a murder suspect. But in my experience ALL women like the bad boys on some level. Even my wife, whom I consider a “good girl”. When we met 15 years ago I was a 24 yr old guy in a band who spent his weekends in bars and betting on football. I think I’ve straightened up but she just got lucky!
There’s ‘bad boy’ and betting on football and then there’s murderer. Not even regular murdering, specifically women. I’ve found that when I tell women that it’s something of a turn off. Not sure how he got past like the second date really ‘So, what do you do in your free time?’ ‘Hunt the flesh of women under the pale midnight sun. And cycle(he is Dutch after all)’
This is crazy, but true. We all have a lil “crazy” in us…..but dating sociopaths happen to be my favorite pasttime. Horray for change!
Excellent post, dahling!! Just the right amount of outrage + logic + funny. . .the trifecta of bloggery!
I didn’t know that in this century women were this idiotic as to even think about actually tying the knot with a murderer. How absurd! This is kind of an obvious and shouldn’t need to be explained but still I admire your blog and especially your references.
I loved this. My last post was about me turning down a date with an ex-con, so I get it. Funny we hear of guys who won’t date a woman because it’s been too long between pedicures but then there are women who seemingly have no deal breakers. Did you hear of the man who has 30 children with like 11 different baby mamas? (Not a religious polygamist situation) I mean, what are the women thinking? Dating a sociopath, gotta say no– to something. Loved this.
I’m in total agreeance! I love this post and I think that you have to draw the line somewhere!!!
This is absolutely brilliant. Excellent, fresh and funny post. Great reading. No wonder this was Freshly Pressed. Much deserved. Mind if I follow you?
Thank you so much! And your blog’s name is “cheekydiva,” so it would be my honor if you’d follow me.
oh, we’re very cheeky over here. You should follow me too. Yesterday I did an interview with a “new fangled” mom that I was sure I had the upperhand on, and in the end, she destroyed me. You should check it out! 😉
I can’t think of anything worse than having Anderson Cooper judge me…I mean after all, he is a Vanderbilt!
See, this is why matchmaking is such a good idea. People who know you can often judge what you need better than you can. Plus you won’t get stuck with an axe murderer, probably. Also, I just really hate the dating scene, so that’s another reason.
“She was a thief, you gotta belief- she stole my heart and my cat.”
Sooooo funny! You absolutely deserve the recognition of Freshly Pressed.
Dating ax-murderer’s, Van der Sloot, the “Night Stalker,” or Dahmer is not really on my list of potential dating material. Unfortunately for some women who were shipped from lobotomy island, this is a normal line-up.
Dating is a confusing world. For instance, I’m on a popular dating web site, and here are two examples I’ve found:
1.Propositioned by 25 year old men who do so because they want to “experience” an older woman between the sheets. Thanks- I’m a piece of recreation for you. Didn’t the committed Christian and clothed photo’s throw you off?
2. overly muscle bound, and bald guy has a hair fetish. He attested his levels of commitment and intimacy revolve around “de-virginized” hair. Meaning- if you color or alter your hair, he will judge you and tell you that you are not worthy of his time. I told him to date an infant then.
Note to self: The more complicated we make our lives and divide our time, the more ridiculous people are in delusional aspirations. People don’t approach anymore- no one wants to be rejected in public, and it’s sad that internet has replaced all that so the rejection can be done on a computer screen. I see cute guys at coffee shops, but they are immersed in their lap tops or on their phones- it’s intimidating.
Love your cheeky style!
LOL is this where I get to be all proud that I’ve been single for 4 years and counting? 🙂
This is where you declare your inner prowess that four years have passed and you are still alive, and single!
I love this, so great and funny (and TRUE!)! What’s up with the epidemic of women who love men in jail?!?!
Mostly likely there are studies done on ‘Jail bait women,’ who love the incarcerated ax-murders. Not all men are reformed like “Dog The Bounty Hunter.”
Very funny! Can’t wait to see your next blog!
Lol…the sperm bank threw me a bit until I saw the slot for the “change” 😉 As a newly single divorcee who also is a mother, you can bet that before I set foot (or one tiny toe) in any relationship, I can relate…there are worse things than being single! I’m going to check out that book 🙂 I love brunch for every meal as then I can drink mimosas!
Lol, I enjoyed reading this. I guess all serial killers can’t be as charming as dexter, sorry ladies 😦
Not as charming as Dexter, or the intelligent maniacs on SVU, or Criminal Minds…
Great post! Well doen for Freshly Pressed!
This should be tidily summed up in a checklist and handed to any woman who makes contact with a jailed man (and vice versa, man to a jailed woman):
1. Have they killed someone?
2, Have they killed someone like you? (looks or acts like you, or is at least your gender)
3. Have media reports stated that they are a threat to the community and that the person has explicitly said “I can’t wait to kill again”?
4. Have they already killed their cellmate?
5. Are they in solitary confinement because their cellmate thought they were going to get killed?
One or more of these suggests that one should RUN. There needs to be a flowchart for this. My Photoshop isn’t working but someone needs to take it on. A project for the masses!
Great post–because I wondered the EXACT same thing when I saw the news reports.
I love it and couldn’t agree more!
http://www.thescaryyyear.com
Reblogged this on byroisinhealy and commented:
How is this allowed to happen? Does this girl not have family or friends around to say ‘STOP THIS IS THE WORST IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HAD AND PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WILL TALK ABOUT YOU!”?? The mind boggles.
Hilarious! Seriously what are these women thinking? I remember once reading how these guys get tons of lady admirers….even as a woman I really don’t understand….
This is great!! Loved reading this post!!
Hah ! This is so funny and you made some pretty valid points I must admit….I’m convinced not to date a serial killer (not that I was considering it)
You know the universe isn’t a fair place when a convicted murdered is impregnating willing women while I remain single. That kind of makes me sad in my special place.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
Being a long time single gal and single and fabulous myself, I dont tolerate guys with drama in their lives. which includes murder of wives and girlfriends, missing wives or GF’s, missing children, very late or no child support being paid, jail time. Just to name a few! There are sooooooooooooo many women with way too low standards. really you write the Menedez brother’s and Scott & Drew Peterson! Oh and if I were to meet a guy named Scott Peterson anytime soon I would run!
Love it! I’m going to refer to this post on my blog, since I’m Dutch, and so is the present possibly most famous serial killer. Hey, anything to make the connection, right?
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Love the turkey baster line!
New reader here- just came out of the woodwork after years in hiding 🙂 can’t wait to read more!
Genius. Well anyone who references SATC in conjunction with wine is automatically onto a winner in my book. But truly, it’s rather dire isn’t it, when this is what women are turning to as their only option.
Single and fabulous, exclamation point.
I guess that congressman who thinks that you can’t get pregnant from a “fake” rape, as opposed to a “real rape” will be relieved to hear that people are procreating and creating good new Republican voters. No woman should need sex that badly, and I live in New York ladies where the pickings are slim, the options limited and single men are in need of or in permanent therapy. I haven’t visited jails yet to do the jail house rock in blue suede shoes. If I can hold out for a better choice, you can too.
I think some ladies feel as if they have some magical power that can change a man. So what he killed a few girls, just goes to show one woman is silly enough to try a find good in this guy. I am from Alabama, the place where he killed the first girl NH and if he were here the only thing we would let him have sex with would be Nancy Grace for punishment;) Nice job!!
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
Great post! Those women who went out or pick these killers/rapist/murderers have a loose screw in their head. Grats on being Freshly Pressed
I’m assuming there were no conjugal visits allowed. Here’s hoping Joran’s new bride turns out to be a pre-op transvestite.
Ok, I’m going to reply on my own dorky post to clarify – I figured there was some turkey baster action involved in the pregnancy.
Woman will always go for the bad boy…even if he happens to be a complete crazy…in prison…for murder. Some things will never change…this being one of them. A consistent universal truth…
Loving this! Every woman ALIVE should read it!
very funny . I’m waiting for more such funny posts 🙂
Reblogged this on misentopop.
such a great post, cheered me up this morning haha thanks
I have been single for 8 years and I was the one to end my last relationship. I was tired of compromising myself and being *less* and I have never ever regretted it. I haven’t dated or gone out with anyone during that time either. If a guy interested in me fell in my lap I would consider it, but I am happy, I have never needed anyone else to be who I am, and quite frankly I feel sorry for women who can’t feel secure when they are single.
Nice article! But, what disturbing news indeed. The most charming men seem the sickest. They know how to bring nice to a level that becomes irresistable for those who do not recognize the sickness behind it. Joran must have the ‘honey’ jackpot, for all those women to fall for him. He must be one charming guy when he wants to be. But, he does not like his woman ALIVE for too long. Behind the charm is… cold calculation. No emotions or feelings. Just emptiness. This woman is only of use to him as the carrier of his OFFspring. What will happen to her after that is anyone’s guess. With many eyes upon her now, her eyes will open up WIDE sooner or later.
Where can I get hold of that sperm bank? I need it for a future exhibition I want to do!
Brilliant! Made me smile this chilly morning. I think this post shoul be posted on every newspaper in Lima and the world. These girls are mental and don’t need to procreate from evil that already exists in this world. Hope you have a great weekend!
Now i just want to watch sex and the city and drink wine!
aha oh man. brilliant. i’m so happy this exists. exclamation point!
i’m also really glad that others know every episode of sex and the city off by heart.
ZOMG this is fabulous. Thank you.
Reblogged this on #.
Oh my word. SO funny!!! Funny ’cause it’s true, and funny ’cause you’re just stinking funny! 🙂
I do not even KNOW how to stop laughing! There will always be people that we just cannot fathom. Well said.
Hilarious!!
Loved loved loved this fun post.
I remember seeing the Seaman’s Bank in Cape Cod and thinking it was a sperm bank – spelling has never been my strong point….
First time visiting and I’m intrigued! (is that how you spell it?) Are women so desperate that they are willing to date in jail!?!? I’ve heard they record everything on those spouse visits…. maybe they do it out of boredom? How can they still be atracted to someone who is a murderer? My mind is brain washed with all the movies of sexxy killers, of spies and super heroes, but in reality, would I actually date someone with a murdering history? I don’t think I’ll be able to, much less to sleep with them and have their baby. I don’t know, don’t want to judge, but seriously, you can love them, but don’t have their kid!
Love the infused humor. I actually married a sociopath and wrote about it on my blog. I dont think there was any murder involved other than my self worth
Thanks! And now I’m very interested in reading your blog haha. I’m pretty sure I dated a sociopath for a couple weeks in college (he said he would never murder me because “he wanted to be famous and that would ruin his career…” and thaaaats when we broke up).
omg, glad you ran from that 🙂
good and astute advice while being hilariously funny
thank you so much! that’s so nice!
Exactly how, no where, no when does someone of sane mind find themselves courting and then become impregnated by a detained serial killer?
Great post!
It really is sooo crazy! Like, really… how does that happen???
Thank you and thanks for stopping by!
Loved that film. The women that have the kids by them must be barking made or seriously desperate, or both. How do they explain it to their kids when growing up? Well son/daughter your Dad kills people and is in jail. When I worked in child protection there was a case where one family was marrying off their teenage daughter to a man who had stabbed and killed his previous wife. I sometimes wonder what goes through peoples minds. Just proves there are total fruit cakes in the world and not in a good way….
Ya, and no matter how crazy you are or awful you are, there is always someone willing to be with you. Meanwhile, I’m single so I don’t know what that says about me…
Thanks for commenting!
Hells yeah! BTW, the ‘sperm bank’ is awesome! My mom has been at me since I was 23 about having a baby and telling me I didn’t need a guy to do it. For real ladies! I don’t get having sex with people in jail. Oh man…..I sometimes wonder if I’m an alien living among another species.
Ugh I know… like sane people amongst a world full of mental patients… women need to get some self esteem!
thanks for commenting!
I actually wasn’t too surprised to hear that a woman would stoop this low – sad isn’t it? Kinda funny from afar though ;P
I wasn’t surprised either, which IS sad. But funny from afar, like you said. I’m sure if I was her mother or friends I definitely wouldn’t be writing snarky blog posts about it…
thanks for stopping by!
Haha, I agree, being single is better than dating a murderer. I could not live with the knowledge that Anderson Cooper, even if we ship the same team, could give me this particular face when I meet him because he knows that I date a killer/a guy in jail. No woman should feel that desperate to voluntarily put herself in danger. The media is a reason why women even feel unattractive and unworthy; their desperation for love pushes them in the arms of the men who have nothing to do with love but are dangerous and need their money. I just hope that one day women can get over this type of thinking, develop some pride and can deal with being on their own.
I hope so too… but I have a baddd feeling about it. womp womp.
thanks for stopping by!
after I stop laughing I am going to email your link to my sisters.
M
thank you and please do! sisters love me, i swear.
So very true! Nicely put. Cheers!
Thank you and thanks for stopping by!
hahahha…lovely!!…enjoyed reading ur post 🙂
I’m glad! Thanks for reading!
Loved this post! One of the funniest blog posts I’ve read.
Thank you so much!
Ridiculous! Great post! Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Thank you!
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article
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to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love
to write some material forr your blog in exchange for a
linkback to mine. Please blast me aan email iff interested.
Thanks!
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Girl, you are hilarious! Love it!