I’m nearly 24 years old now, and though that apparently makes me an adult in the eyes of everyone but the rental car industry, I sometimes forget that I’m not a teenager anymore. It happens every so often, like when my ID gets the once over at the liquor store, and I have to remind myself that it was legally issued to me by the government, not for $60 by a BU sophomore THAT NEVER EVEN WORKED FOR ME ONCE!
Drinking openly at brunch is certainly a perk of adulthood, but there are a few things I took for granted when I was a kid that now I’m just too old for, like:
- I’ll never be a child prodigy. If someone discovered me to be outrageously talented at something Oprah wouldn’t even care; as an adult you’re just supposed to be talented by now. No one is making collectible dolls out of Susan Boyle, meanwhile little Jackie Evancho Barbies sit lonely on Toys ‘R Us shelves at Christmas. Maybe Ellen Degeneres will care if I’m a 24 year old speed rapper, but it’s not the same.
- Being unemployed is no longer acceptable. Suddenly everyone is an amateur sleuth asking a million questions about what you do for work. It’s a bad economy- just leave it alone, okay! I miss the days when I could pass off huge gaps in my resume as a time when “school was my full time job.” I did eat tapas on dollar nights at Masa like it was my job, but I don’t think I ever spent 40 hours a week on homework. Those were romantic times.
- The ship has sailed for me and Teen Mom. Not that I wanted to be on Teen Mom, but I like keeping my options open. Now I have to wait another 15 years until I’m age appropriate enough to pursue my “Wife” fallback career, be it House, Army, or Mob. Not a girl, not yet a woman.
- I’ll never be shipped off to my distant aunt’s house to tame my wild ways only to unexpectedly have the best summer of my life when the dreamy 17 year old orphaned ranch hand and an unruly horse named Thunder teach me how to love again after tearing down the walls I built up during my secret struggle with illiteracy (BIG BREATH). Turns out, I didn’t mean to wander on to the old, neighborhood curmudgeon’s private property, I just couldn’t read the “no trespassing sign.” Ahhh, what could have been.
- Getting up early on Saturday’s to watch TV is now out of the question. There are times when I think that if the fire alarm went off in my house, I’d need a second to decide if it was really worth getting out of bed. The idea of something like Saved By the Bell having the power to get me up before 8am on a Saturday is so bizarre that I can’t believe at one time in my life I was that excited about anything, let alone Mario Lopez.
I hope this was uplifting.