3 Questions For Guys

  1. What is it with you people and piggyback rides? I’m not sure if you think it’s chivalrous to offer yourself up as a legitimate form of transportation, but this is not Greece and I’m not going to ride your back like a donkey.

    Okay, but I’ll accept a ride from Mrs. Affleck any day. Violet makes it look so much fun!

    You know what’s more polite than trying to get me to stick my butt out into the open air with my legs wrapped around you while wearing a dress? Suggesting we take a cab! One time, I had a guy ask me to go out with him to a BBQ festival while I was on crutches, and when I said no because trying to clear long stretches of a grassy field on one functional leg might be tiring, he said, “but I promise to give you all the piggyback rides you want!” Perfect, because what woman over the age of 12 doesn’t want to be carted around in public on the back of another human being for two hours? This anecdote brings me to my next point:

  2. Why are you all so fixated on nice weather? When I told this kid I didn’t want to go with him his retort was “but it’s a BEAUTIFUL day!!!” I spit in the face of your beautiful day! I don’t care! You know what ruins a beautiful day? Sweating in a plaster cast while you drip barbecue sauce all over yourself.

    UGH! Leave me alone, Bono!

    This is not the first time someone has used the “but it’s a beautiful day” defense on me, either. Ya know, if I asked some guy out and he said no, I’d quickly end the conversation, delete his number, throw my phone into the nearest body of water, run in the other direction pretending the whole thing never happened. I certainly wouldn’t try to convince him that I’m suddenly more attractive and tolerable to be around because it’s 75 and sunny.

  3. Do you think being a DJ is impressive? This is not really directed towards all guys, just one specific guy that came up to me and told me he was a DJ and then followed it up with a sigh and the words “I’m so f*ing good.” He meant he was so f*ing good at DJing! Ahhh! Did chills just go up your spine? Predator! Predator!

Ooooh, you men are a mystery to me!!


5 thoughts on “3 Questions For Guys

  1. 1. Have you ever ridden my back? It’s exquisite.
    2. I can’t speak for American men, but English men aren’t used to nice weather, so when it is nice, we have to make the most of it.
    3. DJ’s are skidmarks on the underpants of society.

  2. Cool! I have three more questions for our little friends! 1. Why do you have a motorbike? If you can’t slant like Valentino Rossi, stick to your Corolla. 2. Do you really believe that the ‘hot naked women’ who follow you on Twitter/Instagram are really hot naked women as opposed to dirty old bald men with a penchant for male attention? and 3. Why do you get surprised when we go ape? What did you think would happen if you said, “are you on your period or something”? That’s all for now.

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