Well, guys, this is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life in one 7 minute Youtube video (5 minutes of actual footage and 2 minutes of just dead air, which I think was a really interesting artistic choice).
Courtney Stodden, our favorite 17 year-old next door, has decided to serve us up some kiddie porn hot and fresh, in the form of her new web series, ‘Courtney’s Countdown.’
Now, just to back track for a second, I was under the impression that Courtney was going to get a real reality show with her husband on some sort of soulless network like E!, but perhaps Ryan Seacrest grew a conscience and thought better of exploiting a minor. I hope not. I hope this is just the precursor to the main event. Ice Loves Coco, but filthy and disgusting and devoid of any real emotion.
Okay, back to the recap. In the pilot episode, titled ‘My Foot Hurts,’ we open on a black screen, with only the words,
Is this a web series about a May-December romance or a Nick Cage movie? Either way, I’m in.
So in the first shot, Courtney, who has obviously been fed a steady diet of ludes by her mother, is propped up Weekend at Bernie’s style to let us know that “Courtney’s Countdown begins in 3….2….1” proving that Court can not only count, but can do so backwards and in her underwear. I imagine this is on a similar level of difficulty as patting your head and rubbing your stomach. We’re off to a promising start.
In the next montage of clips we see our heroine, going about her daily routine- coming home from a day of shopping, cooking for her husband, not going to high school, not socializing with people within two decades of her own age, etc. – but today, something’s different. Something is off.
Courtney’s foot hurts.
In a phone conversation with her mother (the mensch of a woman we can thank for making Courtney the contributing member of society she is today), Courtney tries to solve the case of the ouch-y foot. The older and wiser Mama Stodden, suggests that it could be that really strenuous photo shoot the other day- Courtney was jumping around, it could be strained. Ice might help, but Courtney’s not buying that, no way. This was the photo shoot Mama Stodden was talking about?
So after a tense conversation with mom about what dress to wear to her next photo shoot (‘Just do the white dress like I told yoooouuu.’ Mother-daughter relationships never change! Shucks) Courtney makes a quick wardrobe change.
Finally we are introduced to the man of the hour, Court’s 50 year old husband, Doug. In a tender moment between husband and wife (that looks a lot like a tender moment between father and daughter), Courtney confides that her foot hurts, and she thinks, nay, she’s sure that her bunny photo shoot was the culprit for that aching tootsie of hers. Doug respectfully disagrees. He thinks it might be those hooker shoes she wears to go hiking.
Courtney asks, ‘When do you think it will get better?’
‘With time,’ Doug says poignantly.
Like, it should be fine in two weeks. Like, by that photo shoot she has in two weeks.
Then, Doug realizes in a flash that he has the magic antidote:
One Week Later….
We come full circle with a second phone conversation with Mama Stodden. Courtney has visited the doctor, and it’s just a minor sprain. From that photo shoot. Everyone thought it was the shoes, but it’s not the shoes. It was the photo shoot.
Courtney meets up with Doug to reiterate the news from the doctor that we were told 7 seconds ago. It was the shoot. Not the shoes. We all thought it was the shoes. It was not the shoes.
“What do you think about that?” Courtney asks.
“I think I love you.” Doug replies.
And I think I love you, too, Courtney. We all love you.
If you’d like to watch this episode and experience the laughter and the tears first hand, the complete episode is right here.
And remember, only 133 more days until Courtney turns 18!!!