The Star Spangled Banner is So Unfair!

Once and for all, I would like to formally speak out and stick up for all Americans–celebrities and local pageant titleholders, alike– who have had to sing ‘The National Anthem’ in public.

This song is unfairly difficult to sing, and obviously written by someone who has no forethought or common decency. When everyone first heard the melody for this song, I wish someone stepped forward and said “Hey John Stafford-Smith, this isn’t Divas, Live! Do you wanna hit the drawing board one more time and find a tune that someone besides Kelly Clarkson can sing? What? What’s a diva? Who’s Kelly Clarkson? Well, a diva is a female version of a hustler, and as for Kelly, just you wait and see.”

I remember freshmen year of high school, I auditioned for the select choir. And, look, I’m sorry, but as far as small town New Hampshire choir’s go, I deserved to be considered select. 1. I am ace at harmonizing, and 2. this isn’t the NYC Gay Men’s Chorus- there’s not that much competition at Merrimack High School. However, the audition requirement was that we sing ‘The National Anthem’, which in unfair in the same way it’s unfair when a few seasons back on American Idol, they used to make male and female finalists sing the exact same song in the final round. Songs are not one-size-fits-all and ‘The National Anthem’ doesn’t sound good with every voice. Just ask the tragic figure Justin Guarini, whose voice  was poorly showcased on the song ‘A Moment Like This.’ Justin had no chance of winning with that song! The odds were stacked against him!

Anyway, anyway. So, I sang ‘The National Anthem’ for my audition, and I knew I wasn’t going to get in to select choir, and sure, my ass was chapped over the inevitable bad news, but at least I knew this wasn’t my fault. I’m a pretty little songbird and the choir director was an asshole. Such is life. But then this little German exchange student was auditioning and she was allowed to sing ‘The German National Anthem’ because she “didn’t know” the American one. Meanwhile, ‘The German National Anthem’ is way easier to sing and, like, totally in my range. But of course I didn’t get to sing ‘The German National Anthem.’ And then that dumb exchange student got into select choir– after singing a flattering and easy song– and she was aryan and beautiful and everybody liked her because she was ‘new’ and it was just all so unfair.

My point is, I feel for singers when everybody is so quick to jump on them for messing up the lyrics. Those are hard, nonsensical lyrics, and if you were singing at the Super Bowl, you might get nervous and forget them too.

And The Fray, the poor, sorry, Fray.

Lay off The Fray, you guys!

Ya, this was weird. I see where they were going with this…but it was… weird… which I blame on the guitarist. Either way, they were trying to make things interesting, which I can appreciate, but it’s ‘The National Anthem’, so don’t even bother. People have SUCH a big stick up their butt about this song, and lord help you if you want to spice things up with a snare drum.


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