If I Had a Million Dollars

Someday I will be rich, (either from my own career or the mysterious death of a loved one with a hefty life insurance policy) and I know exactly what I want to do with my money. I have so many great ideas that I should be able to drain my fortune in a very efficient two months.

Here’s a working list of what I’ll buy:

1. Hire someone to run a personal 24-hour Bangs Prevention Line that I can call into whenever I need to be talked out of getting a little fringe. I would say I’m addicted to bangs, and I’m always on the verge of relapse. In 9th grade after seeing Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, I blacked out and when I came to there was a pair of mini sewing kit scissors in my hand and hair in the sink.

2. Hot tubs all over my house. I want a hot tub inside and a hot tub outside, both with wine fridges and TVs somehow attached. Whenever I’m not working, I want to be stewing in a warm vat of my own filth, and even then, I’ll try and get meetings held in the hot tub.

3. I love spa treatments, and I will rent a room at a spa and that room will contain a hot tub. I’ll get daily massages like I’m Tom Brady, and I want all my dead skin peeled off with acid once a month like a snake.

Kristen Wiig living her life like it should be lived--without the first layer of skin.

4. I will commission a nude painting of myself in my hot tub wearing the Heart of the Ocean while being fed wine through a straw by James Cameron.

5. I’ll pay a DJ to follow me around playing music based on what is happening in my life. I want him to make really artistic choices, though. Like, say someone breaks into my house while I’m sleeping, The DJ doesn’t have to call for help, he just has to start playing something weird like ‘Mrs. Robinson’ while I reach under my pillow for a hand gun. Oh, and James Earl Jones will come on part time to do my life’s voice over narration.

That about covers it.


3 thoughts on “If I Had a Million Dollars

  1. The most ridiculous part of this post is how you would still be working if you had a million dollars and a hot tub in every room of your house. PSHAAA!

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