My Post-Grad Life: The Fun-Employment 15

Just like 40 is the new 20 (sorry, have you seen Sandy Bullock? She’s killing it.) the post-grad Fun-Employment 15 is the new Freshmen 15. Well, at least for me it is.

When you graduate college you’re either going to go one of two ways: stay in your pajamas all day and eat 3x the calories you need, or go to the gym 3 times a day. You’re either going to lose the 15 or gain it.

I haven’t gained 15 pounds, but it’s probably a cool 10 away from where I was for most of college. The problem with being unemployed or employed-ish (being a Amstel Lite girl doesn’t count as a real job) is that it’s so easy for the weight to creep on without noticing ’til it’s too late. There are a few reasons for this:

  • The jeans test doesn’t really work anymore: For those of you unfamilar with the jeans test, it is a way of measuring your weight without a scale- you judge your weight based on how your pants fit. Guess what? The jeans test doesn’t work so well if you never wash them. I’ve got a pair that fit like sweat pants at this point, so in my head I’m about as frail as an Olsen twin. Not so. Those threads are stretched so far that they are just white knuckling it to stay on my thighs at this point. What’s ironic is that now that you’ve graduated college and you’re living at home, laundry is free and you have plenty of time to do it- but Post-Grad Life is an alternate universe where you have unlimited time but do absolutely nothing. You could have written the Great American Novel by now…. but I bet you can tell me in what order each contestant was voted off Dancing with the Stars. How’s that novel going?
  • Yoga pants have too much give: If you’re wearing shapeless Costco sweat pants every day, you have gone too far and will have to turn around. However, yoga pants are just the right amount of pathetic: not real pants, but we can still see there’s a butt under there… which is actually the problem because yours has gotten big (and I mean “yours” as the universal 1st world, educated “your”). Yoga pants are the catch-22 of apparel: they stretch enough so you can’t tell how much weight you’ve gained, but that fabric is so thin that everyone else can tell exactly how much weight you’ve gained….that’s what a catch-22 is, right?
  • Your life revolves around your food schedule. This isn’t so different from my life before, I have always planned my next meal while I was eating the current one. The only difference is that now the only thing I have to look forward to in my day is a ham and cheese lean pocket. Then once I eat that I have to chase my next high- left over Carvel ice cream cake, pizza bagels, handfuls of Flavor Blasted Goldfish every 20 minutes. It’s been a dark time.

Luckily, I’ve started temping full time, so now I have other things to do all day than think about food. Now I think about how detrimental I am to this company, all the good I’m doing, and how much I mean to my fellow employees. Yes, they’re just testing my loyalty to them by not giving me health insurance or paid time off…but that is another story for another time, my little cherubs. For now I shall sit and dream about the turkey sandwich in my lunch bag…a happy ending to an otherwise sad story.


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