It is my belief that there are 5 kinds of men that every woman (or gay man! heeey!) should date before she settles down with the one special guy she’ll love forever and/or 72 days (topical, what up!). I’m a huge supporter of not settling down too fast and testing out all the fresh produce before settling on canned green beans, so if you’re engaged and haven’t dated each one of these guy-types yet, I suggest you put your relationship on a hiatus.
(Note: I would love to post pictures of any of the guys I have dated that fit these categories, but I guess that would make me look crazy. Carrie Bradshaw referred to John as Big for a reason, after all).
1. Super Attractive Guy- You might remember my post a few weeks back about the importance of not marrying Super Attractive Guy, but there is no harm in dating him. In fact I feel it is your inalienable right. If American sitcoms have taught us anything, no matter how attractive you may be, you are going to end up marrying some Shrek-like oaf, (I’m looking at you, King of Queens….) so you need a lot of fantasy material if your marriage is every going to work out. It’s also just an important life experience to get to show off a piece of arm candy way out of your league to all your friends and family. It shouldn’t be important, we should find the beauty in all people, blah blah, but I don’t care, it’s not like you’re marrying the guy.
Added Perks- You get to ride on the coat tails of the treatment that every super attractive person receives just for being good looking. See: 30 Rock episode “The Bubble” guest starring Jon Hamm.
Why You Can’t Marry Him- See: Unsolicited Dating Advice from Someone with No Qualifications.
2. Man in Uniform- Fireman, policeman, navy, etc. We’re talking men who save lives, not a UPS uniform. I feel like the explanation for this goes without saying. I’ve never dated a modern day hero, but I’m definitely in the market for someone who carries a gun or fights FIRE.
Added Perks- You can probably park where ever you want for a while because I’m guessing dating a police officer gets you out of tickets.
Why You Can’t Marry Him- He fights fire and catches criminals for a living! That’s dangerous! Have you seen Rescue Me?!
3. Closeted Gay Guy- This one obviously applies to my ladies (though the counterpart for my boys who like boys is to date a straight girl). You don’t want to be left out of the conversation when all your other girlfriends talk about how they found out their ex-boyfriend was gay. I think it’s just a rite of passage.
Added Perks- New BFF and also probably the most fun you will ever have with a boyfriend.
Why You Can’t Marry Him- Do you want to be an episode of Oprah about men on the DL? (Omg, Oprah’s not on. This is still so hard).
4. Crazy Artist/Actor/Musician- The Crazy A.A. or M. is the most romantic and passionate of all the men. They are in touch with their emotions and have the talent to create beautiful things. They are usually a wounded dove, scarred by a troubled childhood. They are also nuts, and it gets old pretty quickly, and you might strain a vocal chord from all the yelling at each other. There is lots of yelling.
Perks- More than likely you can kill two birds with one stone and combine Crazy Artist with Closeted Gay Guy. You also might get a song written about you, which is basically the dream, right?
Why You Can’t Marry Him- Depends on whether he’s an artist, actor, or musician. See: Sid and Nancy or Brad and Jen. Also, if your brain is functioning normally at all, you’ll probably just get annoyed at how he still cries regularly over the death of his grandfather, like 10 years later. And actors are good at lying…. I mean I could go on forever.
5. Do-Gooder Smarty Pants- I think it’s important to date someone you can learn from. Also it’s fun to list off your lovah’s accomplishments to your friends and family, like how he taught orphans in Africa how to play kickball and has his doctorate in recycling or something. Bonus if you can combine this with Guy Type Number 1.
Added Perks- He’ll probably shame you into doing some volunteer work, so you can check that off your list for the next 5 years.
Why You Can’t Marry Him- You have a life how much volunteering does he want you to do? So annoying. Also: these guys tend to be pretentious and full of themselves from all the book learning and orphan saving they do.
With all of that you’re probably wondering about what kind of guy you should be marrying. Here are some ideas:
Funny and Down-to-Earth Guy
Late Bloomer, Computer Guy
Got You Pregnant Guy