The 5 Men Every Lady is Entitled to Date

It is my belief that there are 5 kinds of men that every woman (or gay man! heeey!) should date before she settles down with the one special guy she’ll love forever and/or 72 days (topical, what up!). I’m a huge supporter of not settling down too fast and testing out all the fresh produce before settling on canned green beans, so if you’re engaged and haven’t dated each one of these guy-types yet, I suggest you put your relationship on a hiatus.

(Note: I would love to post pictures of any of the guys I have dated that fit these categories, but I guess that would make me look crazy. Carrie Bradshaw referred to John as Big for a reason, after all).

1. Super Attractive Guy- You might remember my post a few weeks back about the importance of not marrying Super Attractive Guy, but there is no harm in dating him. In fact I feel it is your inalienable right. If American sitcoms have taught us anything, no matter how attractive you may be, you are going to end up marrying some Shrek-like oaf, (I’m looking at you, King of Queens….) so you need a lot of fantasy material if your marriage is every going to work out. It’s also just an important life experience to get to show off a piece of arm candy way out of your league to all your friends and family. It shouldn’t be important, we should find the beauty in all people, blah blah, but I don’t care, it’s not like you’re marrying the guy.

Added Perks- You get to ride on the coat tails of the treatment that every super attractive person receives just for being good looking. See: 30 Rock episode “The Bubble” guest starring Jon Hamm.

Why You Can’t Marry Him- See: Unsolicited Dating Advice from Someone with No Qualifications.

2. Man in Uniform- Fireman, policeman, navy, etc. We’re talking men who save lives, not a UPS uniform. I feel like the explanation for this goes without saying. I’ve never dated a modern day hero, but I’m definitely in the market for someone who carries a gun or fights FIRE.

Added Perks- You can probably park where ever you want for a while because I’m guessing dating a police officer gets you out of tickets.

Why You Can’t Marry Him- He fights fire and catches criminals for a living! That’s dangerous! Have you seen Rescue Me?!

3. Closeted Gay Guy- This one obviously applies to my ladies (though the counterpart for my boys who like boys is to date a straight girl). You don’t want to be left out of the conversation when all your other girlfriends talk about how they found out their ex-boyfriend was gay. I think it’s just a rite of passage.

Added Perks- New BFF and also probably the most fun you will ever have with a boyfriend.

Why You Can’t Marry Him- Do you want to be an episode of Oprah about men on the DL? (Omg, Oprah’s not on. This is still so hard).

4. Crazy Artist/Actor/Musician- The Crazy A.A. or M. is the most romantic and passionate of all the men. They are in touch with their emotions and have the talent to create beautiful things. They are usually a wounded dove, scarred by a troubled childhood. They are also nuts, and it gets old pretty quickly, and you might strain a vocal chord from all the yelling at each other. There is lots of yelling.

Perks- More than likely you can kill two birds with one stone and combine Crazy Artist with Closeted Gay Guy. You also might get a song written about you, which is basically the dream, right?

Why You Can’t Marry Him- Depends on whether he’s an artist, actor, or musician. See: Sid and Nancy or Brad and Jen. Also, if your brain is functioning normally at all, you’ll probably just get annoyed at how he still cries regularly over the death of his grandfather, like 10 years later. And actors are good at lying…. I mean I could go on forever.

5. Do-Gooder Smarty Pants- I think it’s important to date someone you can learn from. Also it’s fun to list off your lovah’s accomplishments to your friends and family, like how he taught orphans in Africa how to play kickball and has his doctorate in recycling or something. Bonus if you can combine this with Guy Type Number 1.

Added Perks- He’ll probably shame you into doing some volunteer work, so you can check that off your list for the next 5 years.

Why You Can’t Marry Him- You have a life how much volunteering does he want you to do? So annoying. Also: these guys tend to be pretentious and full of themselves from all the book learning and orphan saving they do.

With all of that you’re probably wondering about what kind of guy you should be marrying. Here are some ideas:

Funny and Down-to-Earth Guy

Late Bloomer, Computer Guy

Got You Pregnant Guy

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “The 5 Men Every Lady is Entitled to Date

  1. You could add to that

    -from an exotic country most of your friends have never heard of guy

    -stinking rich and willing to show you how the other half lives guy

    -asshole but with a really big…………c….ar guy

    • Ok, I kind of can’t believe I spaced it, because when I was writing the post in my head I thought about rich guy and forgot to add him. Your other two are so right also…. I think I need to write a part 2.

      thanks for commenting!

  2. The very last sentence in the entry made me laugh aloud in a cafe. I’m now getting funny looks.

    Awesome post – have you dated all of these?

    I’ve only conquered the closeted gay guy so far. Does that say something terrible about me?

    • okay, so i’ve dated theatre guy twice over…. the second one once said to me “i would never kill you because i want to be famous and it would ruin my career.”

      i’ve also dated the do-gooder..

      and in my opinion I’ve also dated the closet case, but like…he’s not out of the closet yet and it’s been like 5 years since we broke up but I still have my suspicions.

      and there is nothing wrong with only having dated the closeted guy… like i said, rite of passage. I’ll keep you in my prayers that Super Hot Guy comes into your life soon.

      thanks for stopping by!

  3. Haha “got you pregnant guy” also made me laugh out loud and my husband just gave me a funny look! So funny lol!!

    I dated the good looking guy, the gay guy and the artist/ cry baby guy! I married the ‘best friend who adores you’ guy hehe xxx

  4. No wonder I knew a good guy when I found him, I had already dated your list (plus the ones from Oracular above). I no longer feel bad for my misguided adventures- it was all part of the plan.

  5. LOL! This is great. I’m pretty sure I can cross #3 off my list and I’m always dating #4’s – I just love the stray puppies, as I like to call them. #5’s are the sexiest to me but you’re right, they’re so full of themselves.

  6. Dang, I’ve only dated the goodlooking guy with a possible overlap with the uniform guy. I have a longg way to go. :/

    Love your list…it made me laugh out loud. I’m currently setting up a gameplan to make Ryan Gosling my Got You Pregnant guy. I know he’s an actor, but I’m prepared to deal with the consequences.

    Karen

  7. Pingback: Favorite Posts of 2011 | brunch for every meal

  8. Pingback: The 5 Red Flags of Facebook | brunch for every meal

  9. God, you are cracking me up! I stumbled on your blog and love it. Sadly, I’m not gay and so I can’t date any of these guys (and I’m not on the down low either). However, I’ll be sure to show it to my sister and my wife (who probably lumps me in with “Boring Nice Guy” crowd). Keep up the awesome work….I also enjoyed “The 5 Red Flags of Facebook”.

  10. Pingback: Welcome, New Friends | brunch for every meal

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s