An Open Letter to Women

Hey Ladies,

I just have a few things to tell you that I think you should know. I hope you don’t think of me as a know-it-all for saying this (like, I know a lot, but I still don’t know how to paint my nails neatly, so obviously, I don’t know it ALL).

I’m sorry about this, but I just think someone needs to tell you. I understand that nothing is more flattering than the kissy-face photobooth picture- the picture is just fuzzy enough to be its own photoshop.. the kissy-mouth makes your face look skinny in a way no smile ever could- I get that, I do. 

I’m not asking anyone to give this up entirely, but I’m only asking you to curtail this practice just a little. You don’t need more than a couple of these- I promise you look exactly the same in all of them. It’s so intoxicating to take picture after flattering picture of yourself, but I don’t think posting them on your Facebook is giving out the right message. Maybe we could just keep the number down to 3, and an additional one every time you get a new hair color?

This brings me to my next point- just put your hair up at the gym. Besides some profound vanity, I can’t think of any other reason to leave long hair down at the gym than to attract a man. So, if you just really love to look at how fly your luscious hair looks while you run on the treadmill, you can move along to my last piece of advice because I have no business trying to rob you of your happiness. However, if you are just doing it to find a guy, I can tell you two things: 1. You don’t suddenly become a troll when you put your hair into a ponytail. You look fine. 2. If the guy you attract wouldn’t have come up to you if your hair had been in a ponytail, he’s probably going to be someone you shouldn’t date, anyway.

Now, one more thing. I’ll keep it quick because I don’t think it needs much explanation: Pencil thin eyebrows do nothing for you. Please, just grow them out a little. You are going to have to trust me on this one.

I hope this helps.


PS This is all just meant to be funny, and I’m not trying to be a know-it-all, so don’t take me too seriously….

PPS …but I am, like, pretty serious about this advice, and I think you should probably consider it.


5 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Women

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