Ice Loves Coco Episode 1 Recap

The episode begins with our new favorite couple trying to reassure us that they are just two traditional married kids trying to make it in this world. I suspect they feel the need to do this because Ice is a rapper and Coco has a butt that defies science, in addition to having the biggest boobs you’ve ever seen (you get an aerial view of them in a bikini later in the episode… stay tuned). So, I guess what makes them traditional is that Coco makes Ice food and then gives “him a rub” (of what kind, we’re not sure) when he comes home from work. At first, this is a little annoying to me, but Ice saves it at the end by saying a man should do the same for his woman when she comes home from work. Ice is really evolved, you guys. I’m on board. Let’s do this.

Next, we are introduced to Spartacus The Super Model (per his birth certificate) and his hanging doggy balls that could replace the fuzzy dice on your rear-view mirror. Coco wants to get Spart into acting, but really I think someone needs to get this woman a human baby.

Not only do we see the loving caregiver that is Coco, we get to see another side, making her the most 3-dimensional character in reality show biz. Coco has some self diagnosed OCD, which she likes to call her “cleaning disorder.” Normally, I feel like people are too quick to self diagnose OCD, but then Coco says her cleaning disorder is getting worse because every time she thinks something bad is going to happen she has to say “transmute, transmute, transmute” over and over again. Okay, girl has some OCD.

Here comes the most unnecessary part of the show: SoulGee and Sparkle, who are people and not street names for ecstasy. SoulGee (boy) and Sparkle (girl) appear to be some kind of assistants for Coco? In actuality, SoulGee is our token gay man, while Sparkle is the non-fabulous hetero female. One is there for vogue-ing purposes, the other, I imagine, is the one who actually assists Coco.

Plot wise, the show is a little light. Coco has been asked to be the new face of bridal couture, and SoulGee gives her bad advice about how to pose for the cameras. She was probably confused because his explanations for how to do it were just noises (“you just go boooo, BOOM, unnh, uhh, BAM!”) and for her to think to herself, “I’ll let you film me, but don’t take my picture.” Coco pretends to understand this suggestion, and the two of them resume their long afternoon full of diva snaps and giggles, while I assume Sparkle is somewhere quietly sobbing as she staples together Spart’s headshots and resumes.

Later, Coco and Ice go doggy clothes shopping with Spart for his big meeting with a doggy casting lady. Ice pretends to be against dressing him up until they find a jacket for Spart that matches his, which he approves of. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Spart finally has his big audition, which he blows because obviously his stage-mom, Coco is pushing him into the family business Jada Pinkett-Smith style. He ignores Coco’s every command…he just wants to be normal.

Finally it’s time for Coco’s photo shoot, which Ice comes along for. By far the sweetest moment in the show is when Coco is done up in her wedding dress and Ice looks at her the way you could only pray your rap star husband will look at you one day. Coco begins the photo shoot, and the photographer pretends he doesn’t like how she’s posing so there some conflict in the show. When Coco goes to change into the next gown, Ice gives her some advice we could all use, which is to “just do you!” Coco goes out in the next dress and just does Coco. Naturally, they love it. We, as an audience, pretend like the first round of pictures look at all different from the second.

To close the episode, Ice suggests he and Coco renew their vows since they eloped in Vegas and Coco never got to wear her own wedding dress. This shows Ice’s sensitive side because this was his idea, but also because he later admits that he watches Bridezilla, which I admire in a man.

You can catch Ice Loves Coco on… I don’t know just keep watching The Kardashians until it pops up.

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